J is not back!

I confess, I slipped up. I bumped into J and I honestly did stand fast in my resolution to dissolve whatever was between us and not communicate but even though I faced him and said I am not doing this.

We fell into old patterns. I hate that it is so easy to talk to him and he is just sooo irritatingly addictively easygoing to be with. I made it clear it was a one off conversation.

I am not backsliding or going soft. I think it hit me as I was thinking about it last night and trying not to over analyze what it meant.

He is just a terrible listener. For some reason I don't think I picked up on it before or maybe I had and forgot but I have told him really private specifics about my health and life and he just doesn't recall any of it.

Funny how the insignificant flirting, he remembers every detail. Ugh. That is not good enough. I think I get it now. If I had meant something real to him, he would have paid better attention and let the information sink in but he doesn't.

He just wants someone on paper that makes him smile for a bit away from life's strains and stresses. I deserve better. I need someone that takes it all in and cares and he doesn't.

It kills me a little that he will just act like he is super keen to prolong the time together and yet makes no effort to satisfy my needs just his own.

I am mostly over it. I haven't really thought about him of late. It was just seeing him out of the blue kinda made me stop short. 

I have a sneaky suspicion either he is playing dumb on purpose or manipulating me. I found myself repeating what the issues were and him being dumbfounded once more.

Arghhh! It is like talking to a brick wall with oodles of charm. On one hand he has a snake like charm enticing me further to stay and reconnect and on the other side there is just a blank personality.

I promised myself this time I wouldn't harp on about the phone calls so I put it in this way. That was the only thing I missed, the calls because that was when I really saw him.

The real him, unguarded. He didn't really comment and it struck me suddenly. That must be the whole reason he stopped calling.

He didn't want to unveil. He wanted to maintain a certain distance and coldness. I guess I take it personally. That he chooses not to be friendly but at the same time, will put off leaving in favour of staying close.

It made me a basket obsessing case before but no longer. That's his deal and mine is, I know what I want and need and I have the courage to speak out and ask for it.

It's up to whoever if they want to give it to me but it's also my choice to stick around. He said take care and I said goodbye. I maybe alone forever but at least I am not compromised.

I am not tearing myself inside out to please. I am standing my ground and fighting for what I want. It won't happen again. We won't meet and even if we do.

He is just not suitable. Take take take and not give and take. That is not how acquaintanceship works. It has to evolve.