Tears of a clowner (Crazy self therapy 3)

The day started off well. I realised I had 4200 points in my Mistplay account and could use that to get my second £10 Amazon giftcard.

It goes through a process where it checks it out and then you get approved or denied. I switch between two phones and set one to charge and use the other.

I was playing on three but my Honor phone cannot handle the games so I ceased. 

I know my head is screwed up when I put my melancholy playlist on and feel the music. My family relationships are so messed up.

Someone was asking me some personal questions and I started bawling my eyes out. I wish for embarrassment sake that I could say it was tiny short weeping but it wasn't.

These were heavy emotional tears. I tell myself to grow up, get over it, let it not affect me but the truth is, it was a massive part of my life and it all culminated together.

I was dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis. I was trying to cope with being a teenager and socialising and doing other things normal kids do.

I was failing at letting the verbal abuse and threats from my family wash over me. Those words and actions cut me deeply. 

I should have been carefree and enjoying life but there was so much misery to contend with.

I was a sick girl looking after a sick family member and still I could do no right.

How was I supposed to deal with being told to keep constantly quiet? 

I wanted to scream, somebody hear me. Listen to my pain. Somebody please save me from this hellish life.

How was I going to cope with being told I was untrustworthy?

How dare you accuse me of that. I am the good daughter. I don't lie or steal like they do. I have done nothing but take your abuse and cruelty and still I tried to keep you company and care for you.

Why do you relish picking on me??

How on earth do I live each day with chronic pain, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks and emotional scars?

The reality of my situation is, I hate closing my eyes and falling asleep. I stay up for as late as I can bear it to avoid being haunted.

I woke up abruptly this morning after having a nightmare and it shook me. I couldn't close my eyes after that, I was too afraid.

I don't know how I manage to get out of bed each day but I do.

How do I function out in the world as a sick person?

People are pushing me to go out daily and be normal. Tell me how the hell to do that? I walk and there is pain. 

I use my hands and there is pain. I bend and there is pain. I stand and there is pain and I sit and guess what? Incredible pain.

Have I tried seeing my GP?

The first thing I do is retell them for the hundredth time what happened to me and after talking, reliving and being back in that shattering head space..

I break down and get told there is nothing that they could for me because I am obviously exaggerating and medically I am healed.

Oh and I should lose weight. Oh and I should go back on antidepressants and painkillers and pop pills for the rest of my life.

No sodding help whatsoever, so no I haven't bothered with them for decades and I did my own research and helped my damn self.

I found out about hot/cold gel packs. I found out about healing binaural beats on Youtube. I discovered the shiatsu cushion massagers.

I was the one that discovered blogging as an outlet. I don't want to pop pills and be an addict, like them. I am my own support system.

I hate feeling stuck because these things happened way back when but it shaped me. 

I remember everything and each time it transports me back to the scared girl I was who battled each day for survival.

It was endless and I couldn't see how it would get better, The thought of dying brought me so much comfort. How was that the norm???

I stopped eating. I overdosed. I collapsed over and over. I kept hitting my head and yet I lived. 

What a colossal joke that instead of getting better, suddenly there were new injuries and now lifelong physical and emotional aches.

I wanted to wrap this post up in a positive way but I can't. Today is a bad day and tomorrow may improve but not by much.