Can you see me?

I mean really? I'm standing in front of you talking and yet, it feels like the words float past your ears without resonating what I'm trying to convey.

I'm attempting to come clean and admit that I'm having difficulties. That I am trying to avoid triggers and behave sensibly because if I don't my body and mind punishes me severely.

You ask me to take this and that with me and I'm tired of explaining it to you. I have strained my hands so much with heavy lifting. 

It is a joke. I can't frigging do it anymore. You can call me weak or dramatic but I have to carry that loaded bag with me and suffer with the strain.

I'm not getting assistance. I'm not able to call out. I have to sort it out myself. You're not around when I'm inwardly screaming and outwardly crying because I can't take the pain anymore.

I'm just typing or I'm just holding a phone or I'm just lifting or I'm just writing and it hurts so bad. You know what I used to do when you filled my bags up?

I would go to the nearest bin and throw it all away. The relief that I felt when my bag was actually manageable. You will never know.

I can look after myself you know. I do have enough supplies indoors. I don't need your excesses weighing me down.

If you really wanted to do something for me. You could try listening when I talk. You used to be a safe haven but now I feel irritated.

I wonder why I bother to open up sometimes. I talk and you talk over me and then you say something and I realise you weren't even paying attention.

You are a good person to others and you give them what they need but to me you are a let down. I found myself quite snippy with you which is unusual.

I don't like arguing or being stressed but you bring it out of me. All I can say is that I am glad to be home, where I can process my own thoughts and figure out what is bothering me.

If I can just write six more chapters. I'm sure I'll be done this time. Sigh. Thirty four done and it is all drawing to a close. I just need to get my character scheming and having closure and then I can end it.