Crazy self therapy 4

I lay out on the bed with my legs resting against the wall in front of me. My hair spills out over my shoulders. My mind is racing. 

Who says I need to be happy all the time or that I have to be something that I am not?

Let's have a chat, just me and you, totally confidential. What is new with you?

Stress but that is nothing new for me. It has been an awful week. My whole body locked up and every action was painful. I decided to take time out from everything and look after myself.

I'm trying go to bed earlier even though, I hate sleeping. Each time I have to shuffle forwards and backwards constantly and adjust to get into a position that isn't causing me pain.

The shiatsu massager, didn't help like it usually does but each day seems to get a lil easier. 

I sleep with headphones on every night. I never used to but now I try and block out all the thoughts and sounds that make me nervous.

That's why I purchase them so often because they snap and break. There is a morning trigger which I avoid because it turns my insides out.

I don't think it's being in the dark that scares me. It's the nightmares. It just brings me back to being a wreck. This feeling of helplessness washes over me and I can't shake it.

More bad dreams abound as the tension keeps piling up.This entire weekend I have been trying to unwind and relax and I keep getting pulled into things.

Today ugh. Why does my mama keep telling me things she know's will irritate the hell out of me? It truly messes with my head for ages.

Her son, that I barely tolerate just flatly informed her last night, he applied for a position, disclosed his criminal record and the potential employer said oh well fiddle dee dee.

We don't want your bank details, no no no. We will take your mama's instead! That seems totally screwed up. Red flags everywhere.

Sometimes I want to wash my hands of them all. She constantly lets him get away with murder and does **** all about it and complains to me.

You know what, mama dearest. Do something about it for once. I used to take the blame for all his bad behaviour. Actually, no, scrap that.

You used to blame me for his abhorrent ways. He took drugs, my fault, he ran up debts in your name, my fault. He used your credit cards, my fault.

He keeps doing the same selfish crap, over and over and still she says nothing!!!! Today I hate them all. I am not the parent or the sister.

I got my own disasters to deal with. Ffs!! Not a damn thing ever changes, except she has stopped blaming me for it. Hello?!!

Earth to mama, I never stole from you. I never did drugs. I never threatened you. I was never close to attacking you. I never got in trouble with the police.

All my life I've been hearing about his colossal messes. I am so sick of it. She's going to the bank and will sort it out from there but crikey, put your bloody foot down.

She would rather just stress about it and then pass it on to me. Ugh! I really don't need this. I am just trying to exist in my safe lil bubble.

I got thinking last night about another reason I no longer take painkillers. When I had them in ready supply, they weren't all that effective.

I knew that I would need stronger and more toxic prescriptions and didn't want that. I wondered about my low points and how I had grabbed them and thought I could cure all my problems in one go...

Is that one of the reasons I no longer have them in my home? SInce I moved here. The only thing I did was stop eating. I managed to resume with the help of a friend, who wasn't really a friend.

It's funny how certain people are convenient when they want to be and then turn on you, when you feel vulnerable and frightened.

I used him as a crutch. He was a good listener. I will give him that, when noone else was but he was a compulsive liar and an emotional manipulator.

I lost all respect for him when I found out what a chicken he was. I have my faults but I'm brave and honest. I cut him out of my life and never looked back.

A lot of things can't be changed so I will just carry on and do my part. I will continue blogging, listening to asmr and try and get more sleep.

Now for the positive. I've been accepted into a new trial for eye drops from Bzz. They seem to go, in and out of business regularly but if it actually arrives then great.

The Mistplay application is going really well. It seems monthly I will be receiving Amazon vouchers and a few of the games have autoplay which is handy.

I got my second one with no issues, the day after I claimed it. I got the spare set of headphones, pillowcases and my essential oils the next day after I ordered them.

Very efficient for free postage. Amazon offered me Prime for a week but as I wouldn't be making any more large orders for a while, I skipped it.

I spotted a Refinery lip balm from Aromatherapy Associates for £2.50 so I bought it but I don't know if it will help with the chapping.

I am just trying out different brands to find something effective. I should probably pay more but if I do and it doesn't work, it will bug me so much that I wasted money on it.