Dear bully 2

I have something to say to you and unfortunately because of your aggressive tone and temperament I am too afraid of you and all men, to say it to your face.

I don't like you. I may even hate you and wish you great personal harm. You never think about how your words and actions impact anyone around you.

Crumbs, what I would give to have absolutely no conscience whatsoever. I think about what I say and do constantly. All you have ever cared about is yourself.

Now you think you have this free pass because you've just been formally diagnosed? I don't give a damn. You are selfish and rude and I live in fear because of the male role models in my life.

From time to time maintenance workers or someone from the gas company needs access to my place and I just hold my breath until the moment they leave.

I cannot relax or feel safe when someone I don't know visits. That isn't normal is it? One time, there was actually two of them because normally it is just one person (typically male).

When they said, we need access to your room for blah blah. I can't even remember, some radiator check. I all but freaked out.

My eyes widened so much, they almost popped out. I wanted to say no, even though they were nice as pie, so I just stood outside the room and held the door open and they did whatever they did and it was fast and painless.

Inwards I was a mess and freaking out completely. I actually feel sorry for them because they have to look into a woman's eyes and know they are causing her to be afraid.

Well I can't speak for anyone else but I still feel nervous. Luckily nowadays there are very few visits and those that are necessary are done by the same person, it makes it more bearable.

I am sick of thinking about you and hearing about your screw ups. I have no compassion for you. From everything you have done, you got off lightly.

Imagine readers, someone that screams and threatens, everytime something isn't immediately done or if you dare disagree with them.

Not only that but if not done to satisfaction, the manner gets increasingly dangerous. I would love to cut you off completely but I am forced to celebrate some holidays with you.

You know what the really messed up thing is? When my own mama said.... Oh he doesn't hold a grudge for you not speaking to him, you should forgive him and don't let it ruin the celebrations.

How the hell am I the bad and unreasonable one for merely wanting to protect myself? Ugh!! I'm done putting your thoughtless needs above my own.

She maybe willing to be a doormat but not me, not anymore. I deserved better and still do. It is like being around poison and no I am not expecting her to cut ties.

I would never ask her to do that but she damn well shouldn't expect me to be hurt again. I wish she would toughen up and deal with it better and I am sick of fighting her battles and getting the backlash from it.

Here's what I want to say to you. You deserve nothing. Noone owes you a damn thing. Try for once in your life to do the right thing.

Take responsibility for your own nonsense. Apologise once in a while when you make mistakes and use your tiny insignificant brain to think before you act.

Mull it over and say to yourself. Hmmm I need to do blah blah, how can I achieve this without stressing the family and making their lives worse??

Let's list your crimes and put it in perspective.

1. Stealing from me and mama.

Going into my room and taking the little cash I possessed and then using mama's cards and buying tons of goods, like computers and such so that mama was in debt and forced to take out loans and struggled to pay the bills.

2. Taking drugs.

Which resulted in late night parties until 3am. Threatening behaviour towards me and mama. Police raids and fines, of which I like an idiot paid once.

3. Straining and dissolving my relationship with my mama.

When I was kicked out. Everything was strained. I don't know how I became the bad apple? It was all my fault apparently and I resented that.

It took a while to repair it and even longer to get an apology but I didn't even want that. I wanted an explanation. I didn't really get one.

I just knew I didn't have any armour on and so took on the hatred and anger that should have been directed elsewhere.

I remember when the policewoman came and talked to me and I was just crying and I wanted to say please save us. Please take him away and lock him up but I couldn't.

One reason was fear of retaliation and the second was I don't think my mama would have ever forgiven me. She protected the monster and didn't save me.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to go to a police station and wait and be judged like you're the criminal? When, if you're someone like me, has never broken the law.

Just an addition for the curious among you. He has never paid back the money. Never apologised and meant it. Never atoned.

I think that is what irks me. If someone behaved badly and then made amends with sincerity, that is a different story but it is as though someone has crowned him King of Fools.

In his head he must think he is perfect. That is the way he acts. I think the hardest thing apart from the fear was losing all the ways to express myself.

It took me years to unravel all the pain and suffering that was in my head. I had so much I wanted to deal with but I didn't know how to do it vocally or even in writing.

I just got angry and frustrated and retreated from the world. It all just swirled in my head and there was no escape from it, with my family there was no freedom.

My home, my sanctuary, there is control and peace and my own identity. I get to put myself first because noone else did. I get to be safe from harm.

I get to be happy and sad and angry, I get to do what I want and if it's wrong, I am not reluctant to say, I did that. I'm sorry because I am grown up.

I am responsible and even though the post I will reference wasn't the first I ever wrote, it felt like my first expression. It was unwritten in my head but I knew someday I would let all the grief out.

It wrote itself like so much of my fiction does and it was surprisingly quick. I was writing it in between the tears because I was basically saying..

Hello world. This is me. I didn't get to speak a lot or know myself or what I wanted out of life but here I am. Back then I was just a young girl and now I am a mature woman.

Do you know what it's like to be forbidden from communicating so much that it disappears and you have to relearn it? 

It might be dark to some as other pieces of my writing are but to me it's what I survived.

It's a dissected part of me that nobody sees or hears about. I am happy and proud that I got back my ability to share. 

Thank you for reading my blog and I know that there is only a small portion of my posts that are cheery but these are my experiences.

I hope none of you ever feel as alone as I did or still do sometimes..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html