#BlogLife349 - The guilt of eating

I really struggle to eat sometimes but usually I will push myself to maintain the meal times routine.

I don't want to binge or skip meals. I just want to be normal and consume at the right times.

At certain moments when I see an abundance of food, it just puts me off and I lose my hunger pangs.

I just think, should I be eating this or at all? Should I go back to starving myself?

There is/was/is a lot of whispers. Voices and people's opinions that I've always had to contend with.

DIsgusted looks for having any sort of appetite and being made to feel ashamed and disgusting for feeling peckish or craving food and nourishment.

That is pretty much the way I was treated by family, friends, boyfriends and people around me.

It was hardly like ooh, let's all savour this and be happy about it. It was more like...... Do you really need that?

Don't you think you've had enough? You're starting to get chunky again.

How can you be hungry at this hour? I found it so damaging and there was so lil control in my life that choosing not to eat was some sort of freedom probably.

I started doing it at school, instead of partaking of lunch, I would aimlessly walk around and burn calories.

I don't know if I did it on purpose or not but I distanced myself from people.

The more I did it, the easier it became but sometimes I genuinely was famished so I would eat and then weigh myself and feel angry I had no discipline as the weight shot up a lot when I resumed.

I find that a mild schedule helps. I cannot be rigid. 9am breakfast, 1pm lunch, that doesn't work for me at all.

I feel hungry and sleepy at different times so I do try to listen to my body saying.. Umm coooeee I would appreciate a meal now, thanks.

I also fluctuate with drinking enough. I can go half the day and not have a single drink or just one and that sustains me but nowadays I coax myself to have more fluids and stay hydrated.

It's the mindset that gets to me. Food isn't bad. A lot of the times it's delicious and I attempt to remind myself that I'm enjoying this feast as it's one of my favourites.

That is a good thing. It's healthy to consume something and relish eating it.

Over the years I have definitely had to re-train my brain because it's still a struggle to eat in front of people and not feel self conscious as though I don't deserve food.

I have also gone the other route with binging on chocolate, sugary snacks and general food. I didn't purge but I didn't feel reckless and unhappy in general.

I would viciously cut out foods, calories, sugar, carbs, whatever ridiculous fad that I made my own because when I didn't eat I was flat but starving but when I did munch, I was bloated or had a huge tum tum.

It took me so long to realise that the only way for me to be skinny was to not eat at all.

It sounds so dumb but I would exercise all day and at night just to try and keep a trim figure that I could never maintain with eating.

I'm not built that way. However when I ditched the bmi (body mass index) indicator that said I should weigh hmmm..

I've forgotten, it was either 7, 8 or 9 stones which was impossible for me to keep up and live.

I think 10 and a half was the most normal to me, that I kept for the longest time. I was able to eat and exercise and it chopped and changed minimally.

Alright let's say it was 10 and a half to 11 stones. I think my size was 12/14/16. 

It always depended where I shopped. It was crazy but I thought to be accepted I just had to give up all food.

Obviously it didn't work like that because people found other faults.

I wasn't as smart or talented as them. I wasn't popular. I wasn't pursued by a million guys and didn't have any successes with dating.

My hair wasn't edgy. My nails were too short. Good grief the list goes on and when I was that age, pre-teen to teen I did care.

I thought I have to conform and change myself to be one of those clones however lil by lil my individuality was trying to break out.

It was contradicting everything I had believed which was, they are right and I am wrong.

It was saying, it's more than fine to be different, it's a unique way to express yourself from the sheep.

You don't have to like what they like. Contrary to popular opinion, you don't have to strive to be skinny.

Presently this is where I get muddled as a big girl/woman, I love the cleavage, the curves, the non-dieting if I'm frank.

However I also hate the abundance of me. Half of me wants to be a few stone lighter and the rest says I should accept being shapely.

What I do know is that I don't want to punish myself anymore. It's important to be healthy so what I wish to put more effort into is working out.

I miss the morning dance party workouts actually, that was pretty fun, blasting the music and singing tunelessly while I was doing beauty treatments or making breakfast/lunch.

I also used to do night time stomach exercises which over time produced significant results.

As for the sugar/cakes, if I ban them, I'll binge so I will alternate between healthy and unhealthy.

For example I had the super sugary milkshake lollies and then I switched to sugar free ice poles which were a culture shock but still refreshing.