#BlogLife353 - The price of manners

Despite the nausea this morning, I was in fairly good spirits. My hair managed to fit in 2 ponytails and looked presentable and that is the longest part of getting ready.

Aside from stopping every few seconds in case I need to grab the bin and vomit.

Also it's starting to feel colder and I love winter, rain, storms. It feels cosier and it is so much easier to nap.

For the first time in months I put the heated furry blankie on and fell asleep instantly, sheer bliss.

I always wake up boiling for a second but I don't mind, I was having a few aches and pains in my shoulder and when I woke up.. Well even now I feel loosey goosey.

The heat evenly applied all over my body is indeed a blessing for my overworked muscles.

I had a chicken and avocado sandwich, that or the egg and avocado are my favourites. It just blends well together.

I also nibbled on a few pieces of fruit, grapes and melons. I'm not sure if there is anything else but that's what I typically go for..

Aww I should have checked for the berries but stock levels seem to be low. Perhaps they haven't refilled the shelves yet.

That's pretty much all I could manage. Oh aside from a few bites of tomato based pasta.

My stomach couldn't take much. I was just drinking a lot of icy vimto to settle my tum.

As I wasn't in a hurry, I usually let people exit the bus ahead of me, as I don't mind sitting a few seconds longer.

This woman though just got angry that I refused to go. It's making me laugh now but why couldn't she have just smiled and said thanks? Yeesh.

She mumbled something about having a trolley and I thought so what, just move but it was the fact she was slightly raising her voice which irritated me.

How would you handle that? Do you get mad? Do you laugh it off?

I think if they are indifferent, when I try to be accommodating, it doesn't bother me as much but if they are rude, that affects my good attitude and it gets me slightly miffed.

Either way, it won't stop me doing lil niceties every so often. I'm no saint but it's important to just be civil and do what you can at times.

You never know, someone could be so frazzled and at their breaking point and you come along and just let them go ahead, or smile or just offer them a sweet/mint and it brightens their day.

Regarding the randoms, P texted after a few days and really can't decipher my humour. That is just getting old, really fast. I'm not sure whether to respond or not..

I bumped into Mr X and he was all friendly but I blanked him. I could have easily said Hi but I feel like I settle for the wrong type of acquaintance.

They always tend to make me feel bad that I'm not serious or clear or as dull as they are.

I like to have fun with conversations and let my mind wander. I cannot be stuck in tedious interview mode Zzzz.

I can't converse with someone that ruins my playful carefree mood.

Life is hard and some of these guys are fixated on giving me therapy ffs. Leave me be. I'm happy as I am.

Move on to someone as insecure or as unfunny as you are. I can't stand when they assume instead of asking why I choose to be single.

Am I nursing heartbreak? No I'm not. I am just tired of being disrespected, assaulted and verbally abused.

That is it. I've never been in love, never been seriously committed and having someone add stress and judgements on my life, is not appealing.

Sure I can take a break and have a laugh or be flirty. I'll let them see that side but you know what the other 99% is?

Me crying or exhausted or riddled with pain that is so bad that I shut down.

I'm also bursting awake from nightmares that haunt me and I'm dying to go back to sleep but I can't because I'm trying to find the strength to not be afraid, to just function in the world.

And they think I should be grateful for the attention and perky 24-7 or flirty. No it doesn't happen like that. Pffft.

There are times when I want to be a regular sick person and say, today is sooo rough.

I can't keep my eyes open and I'm shivering and of course they always say..... Why so tired?

Way back when I was still talking to MD he said that I should be on medications to preserve my life longer.

That eventually my organs might deteriorate and shave some years off and he was kinda insistent about it, which is icky.

It's my life and I strongly told him the truth which was even if I was diagnosed officially..

I still wouldn't take it. It's tiring bearing myself up and it's getting more difficult as the years go on.

I don't want to live any longer than I have too. That's my truth. You may not agree and maybe you handle your situation like a champion.

Good for you, I don't begrudge you that but this is how I feel and it is so freeing to admit it.