#BlogLife430 - Tomorrow I'll be back in my safe place

Evening wonderful readers, how did your holidays treat you? I hope the season was kind to you.

It's the 2nd January at 7pmish and I'm already semi packing my stuff away as I travel back home tomorrow.

The spare laptop charger is due tomorrow which is awkward. If it arrives early I'll wait, if not will cab it home and relax.

It actually wasn't a bad experience here. No belittling comments apart from the whole........

"You're lazy because you don't want to carry stuff home." Lazy is a trigger word for me. I like to be productive but she can't seem to grasp the fact that my hands are running on empty.

She asked me to peel some garlic for her, which I took no issue with, nice to help out and I always offered but as I was doing it, my hands were screaming stop, stop, stop, it is not a good thing for you to do.

However I didn't say anything to make her feel guilty. I was just relieved when it was finished and I could rest.

I feel so sluggish and bloated today but I'm also relieved that my bags are light and just about manageable.

I did notice how taxing it is, to be on my feet or even sitting on the sofa, as opposed to home where I am laying flat on my bed.

It's not comfortable at all. That was kinda distracting how much pressure my body was under but again, I chose not to say anything.

I don't want to be ungrateful or rude but I really felt like an ancient person, needing to sit or nap or lay down.

It wasn't an urge, it was a necessity!! I'm sorry that I couldn't work on the stories, I was just trying to totally de-stress and I did manage that which I'm pleased about.

I'm not sure why she's afraid to make her fridge cold but that's just weird, having drinks that are warm or room temperature.

My fridge is an ice box. If you have sensitive teeth, my drinks would make you cringe but I've always loved icy beverages.

The other bugaboo was the room temperatures were freezing. She has a radiator right next to her so doesn't feel it but it's quite horrible to be shivering.

The only way I warm up is by having hot chocolate. She says I can put the heating on but then in the same breath, says, not too long it's costly.

I haven't used it much but the heating blankie has been on 24-7 practically, sorry but I need heat!!

I think when I get home, I'll blast the heating on for maybe a few days or so.

My bones need warming. We've had fun and her friends are quite sweet.

I met an Aunt and she's..... I suppose the typical no-filter relative.

Do family just not care if they offend or annoy? I'm so done with them all.

She was polite but at the same time was saying me and mama should get out more, mama needs the exercise and I should be outdoors.

It's like even family doesn't seem to understand chronic pain!! It is a nightmare for me to stand up, forget about walking leisurely anymore.

The other funny thing to me was, although I adore Mama's walk in shower, when the door tightly shuts and then it reinforces it, I get a lil panicky.

There is still that touch of claustrophobia now. I don't have a panic attack. I don't have trouble breathing but it's a frightened feeling of.......

Oh my, I'm not going to be able to open the door, I will be stuck and unable to leave.

I found that I had to open and shut the door, just to reassure myself that I was not totally confined and then it was a better experience.

I feel the same way in the lifts. I'm hurrying it a long and then thinking, please don't break down while I am inside.

I have to say this one last thing about family and then I'm done.

My brother keeps giving me these "sis" keychains which I just feel weird about. 

We don't have a close relationship, nor know each other's address or number, why he gets me those things is beyond me.

I bin them all. He's not a good person and although he's trying to better himself and even this time, he was mostly calm and not scary.

The damage has been done. He was generous with his scratchcard and lottery winnings, a fiver, here and there which was kind.

What I thought was strange was that he is constantly scrounging for this and that.

This time it was cutlery and I thought, you have a good job, a steady income and yet you have no embarrassment over asking mama or her friends for bits and pieces.

I pointed out that I got a cheap set on Ebay and it was a terrific deal.

Mama thought it was acceptable that her friend hand him her cutlery which she is attached too and didn't want too.

I said, you constantly bail him out so that he never ever learns how to budget his money.

She always agrees but then continues to give him things. I hear you say, that's what parents do.

Alright that's fine but not in this case, he was constantly stealing, stealing, stealing.

He feels entitled to things that do not belong to him. He trashed mama's credit with debts, court dates, running up her overdraft, selling her belongings, police raids etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if my name is ruined a bit because he has a criminal record and it spills over to the family's reputation.

I am very responsible in general and with my finances and I've never been in debt that I could help and soon afterwards I did what I could to pay it off.

Selling things, cutting down, not socialising and saving to get back that peace of mind.

He still owes money but instead of paying that off, he will furnish his flat and buy treats.

When I was younger the police banged on the door and said you owe us money so because you haven't paid, we will repossess your computer.

Now this was the only one that we had as a family. Mama bought it and we each took turns using it.

Mama was distraught and they said, give us £1k otherwise it's ours, decide right now.

Instead of shouting at my brother, she didn't say anything to him and pleaded with me to fix it.

I didn't want to help out. I wanted her to finally discipline him or kick him out but because I try to be a good person/daughter.

I felt her pain so I wrote a cheque to the cops and we kept it. Now what my brother doesn't know is that mama paid me back as I was completely disgusted with both of them.

But she didn't tell him that so I think she kinda guilted him every so often and now maybe 15 years later give or take, he's only now just repaid the debt.

He's had the money to do it but instead, borrowed from everybody and wanted free trips abroad, contributing nothing.

I don't know if he has a conscience or not. I know that for me, I would just hate myself if I didn't make things right, immediately or soon after.

What I remember is she blamed me for all of it.

"You're a bad person/sister."

It knocked my self esteem even lower and took me a very long time to recover from thinking I was this pointless, horrible person.

Due to the fact that he stole all her money, she had to keep taking out bank loans and starting charging rent.

That's her prerogative to ask us to help with expenses, which is fine.

However she asked me for more and more money and I barely had enough for my own bills and to buy food.

There wasn't enough to socialise or buy lil luxuries for myself but he was buying bundles of expensive clothes, computers, phones, takeout..

And she still just let him get away with it and everything was my fault.

Sometimes I couldn't do a grocery shop because I had no money.

I just had to do without food or a lot of times, just buy bread and sandwich fillings and ration it out.

A lot of that damaged both relationships, with him I already didn't like him because he petrified me.

And with Mama I noticed she turned all the bitterness and criticisms and negativity towards me.

I'm still working on being good to myself and not putting myself down and avoiding people that seek to hurt me.

It's not something that can be shrugged off or forgotten. It will randomly creep into my mind.

Oh you're not lovable. That's why I attract hate because I don't deserve love and decency and care and tenderness.

She'll never know what's she has done to me, as I'll never tell her.

But between you and me...... Truly YES, some of it was colossally awful terrible parenting choices!

Enough of that. Mama's off on her trip soon and relatives have said they have gifts for her mama.

They all have cars and know that Mama doesn't drive, yet they are too damn lazy to come down to see her.

They are making her take the train an hour and a half away. An elderly woman carrying bags, on her feet, switching, transport.

They all make me utterly sick!! I don't know how she can stand them but she has a big forgiving heart.

I do feel protective when people take advantage of her. We have our big differences but there are certain things that are just intolerable!!