#BlogLife444 - I don't feel comfortable around you

Yesterday because I couldn't nap I was more productive than usual and wrote more so because I finished everything early and had time to kill I decided to have another random chat.

I cycled through a few candidates that were so-so and then finally settled on M, I think his name was.

I honestly can't remember because I juggled a few and he mentioned his name in the beginning and then it just left my head with all we talked about.

He seemed more acceptable than the rest, a lil too flirty and I was not in any way in the mood for that, just a chitchat night for me.

He also had an issue with not taking accountability at first for my perceptions that he was being too much.

He said I was overreacting which I didn't appreciate, however he did apologise afterwards when I persisted and would not back down, so I gave him a second chance.

It did eventually migrate into a phone call, I witheld my number number as usual and he did have a nice voice.

But he is an open book type of person which I'm not a fan of, because they mostly have the trait of...Oh because they are open, it's expected of everyone they talk too.

Whereas I accept people are different, some are more candid and others like me, are typically reserved until they are free to express and not feel judgements.

At first it seemed fine and then he did this thing, where he kept pushing for compliments and validation and I loathe that.

My feeling is if I'm still talking to you, that should speak for itself, that I enjoy your company.

Why the hell do you want me to say it a million times??? Plus after the fifth time of him saying I like your voice, it lost all the magic and I got bored of hearing it.

I get that a lot so I'm aware how pleasing it is but he then wanted reassurance his voice was decent as well and this question kept coming up over and over, until I snapped.

And stated look, this has been asked and answered. I hate people that fish for compliments, it makes you seem insecure, needy and that is not an attractive quality from someone claiming to be confident and have the ability to interact with women normally.

His tone kept raising somewhat angrily and defensively which made me laugh because in one instance, he took my feedback onboard but then five seconds later, he asked me the same flipping question.

Arghhhhhhhh!!!

Then it started with the enquiries I loathe also, What do you look like? What are you wearing so I bypassed those as I did not want it to go anywhere physical/sexual and he became increasingly flirty.

I was thinking, read the bloody room. If I am not flirting with you back, then don't be playful because I'm not receptive to it.

I made it clear upfront that I was not looking for a romance or a date or meet and he was fine with that.

Well he stated that and then he became more...... Hooked on me I guess?

I don't want to sound conceited because I'm nothing amazing but.. Well I have a certain appeal.

I can be friendly and sweet and nice in that single moment but it doesn't mean I fancy the person or want another chat.

I can just enjoy it in the moment and then forget it ever happened.

Due to all my experiences with men, I keep myself shielded and I like that because usually I don't get too invested.

Anyway he kept asking me to be nice to him and he wanted a hug or for me to say that I wanted to cuddle up to him.

Now as stated before I'm not really a touchy feely person because either hugs led to me being inappropriately groped which was traumatic and these were by male friends.

Or the men I was dating were just not tender at all, so hugging was met with repulsion and that put me off it.

Plus as I said last night I didn't want to be flirted with and when he kept asking for it, I was thrown back to all those times when I felt violated and just vulnerable and that put me off it, even more.

I don't go into my past dating history so soon. All I will say is that, it's been a negative experience on the whole and that is why I prefer being single.

But he started making judgements, instead of understanding, hey, we all have different preferences and that's alright.

Each to their own. He said, he finds my choices weird, who doesn't want to be hugged?? And I said me, I'm happy with my life and the way I choose to be.

So then it came to the point where he said, do you want to keep in touch and me being upfront, direct and honest reiterated my point.

I'm up for an acquaintanceship but nothing more, he said, look I have enough friends I want more. Anyone would want more.

I replied well I can't give you anything more so I don't see myself staying in touch because I've been very clear about my needs and you want something advanced.

He said I would like to keep in touch, text me if you like or am I not good enough for you? Will you just block me?

This started to make me cringe, as it was the neediness that came out of him, which is soooooo off-putting.

I did not lead him on or lie to him. I was completely transparent and ended with I probably will block you and not continue as I don't want a relationship or to date.

Truth be told, I may want to date in the future but because he was not my type, I felt like just being blunt to not give him false hope, or make him feel worse.

Again he just said I don't understand how you can want to stay single for the rest of your life.

At this point I could have easily explained that I was abused by men and my lil ounce of self esteem disappeared completely.

And that I began to torture myself and not eat and punish my body, all so that some guy would like me and say nice things to me and maybe fall in love with me.

That's not healthy and only by abstaining from dating did I start to like and love myself and see that I had real substance and appeal and that I should have been respected and treated with care but I was not.

Oh the other thing he said, which really irked me, Oh you are bad at picking men and we are not all the same.

Whenever I was telling stories, he always brought it back to himself, he never just took in my words and listened.

He always felt sensitive and said, well I am a nice guy and I wouldn't do that.

What I've learn't is......... The genuinely nice guys, don't have to shove it down your throats, they let their words and actions speak for themselves.

I was bewildered that he didn't comprehend my attitude was because of my past.

He actually said, you need to get over your (hatred maybe), of men. I laughed.

And flipped it around to him and said, if I said Trust me 110%, believe in everything I'm saying, would you????

In the same respect, only time will show someones true nature, you cannot elicit friendship straight away, trust is earned and that's the way, it needs to be for me.

In the beginning, grain of salt, I will take you at face value but if you contradict yourself later on, I will call you out on it.

I may not believe every single thing but because I have no reason to distrust, I will softly take what you say and give you the benefit of the doubt.

He found this completely offensive which just tickled me again. I'm not going to change my bloody personality, why do you expect me too???

He couldn't accept or even try to understand my point, which is a huge red flag to me.

You may not agree, it might not be your thing but if you can't have empathy and see it from someone else's view, you have no business in my life.

I need gentle gentle, not somebody grilling me or judging me but understanding me and meeting me halfway.

I have never found that in a single man. Married men, understand women more and know how to talk to them.

Single men do not have this ability I've found. I don't like talking to non singles but at least if I do, it's usually a better quality of chat.

I blocked M this morning. I would have done it last night but I didn't know how and I didn't want to accidentally dial his number ickkk. Ha!

Ohhh sorry one last bit. I know this post is ridiculously long already but there was a lot to digest.

This I found really ironic. He ripped me apart for not knowing that most of them men I dated weren't single.

How the hell would I have known they were married, engaged, living with someone, if they said they were single????

I'm not a bloody mind reader or that they would cheat on me. Or with me.

He said he was in a relationship that lasted 8 years with someone he didn't like because she wasn't kind to him.

I in the same breath asked, well why did you stay so long? He casually answered, Oh I didn't want to be single. Ha!

And you're cursing me out for making bad choices with men, look at your bloody self.

At least I didn't stay 8 years with someone, the longest was maybe a few months off and on and there wasn't many dates.

My self esteem was at rock bottom, until I began to value myself and realise that I deserved to be cherished and looked after, not constantly told I was horrible to be around and unattractive.

There a lot of men that picked apart my greatest sensitivities, like weight and looks and I felt really crummy about myself.

As soon as I stopped dating, there was some sort of re-awakening.

I looked at my positives. I was able to be optimistic. I stopped being depressed.

I'm always apprehensive that dating will bring all that back, physically and emotionally.

I am deathly afraid of being attacked but while I'm single, I'm safe.

He actually reached out to me twice but I didn't even read his messages. I want nothing to do with that sort of person.