#BlogLife1064 - Incommunicado

I'm sure the rotis were better fresh, it didn't soften in the microwave as I'd hoped.

Unfortunately I'm out of butter so I couldn't slather it. I couldn't be bothered to turn on the press, wait for it to heat, wait for the rotis to warm up, meh.

They went really nicely with the tikka pieces and the burger salsa, plus I added the mint raita and finished the last of the few pakoras I had so I couldn't even finish half the roti.

But at least now it's all cooked so I don't have to stand much. I'm still drained but at least there is no more appointments this week.

I also cooked some chicken frankfurters to add a bit more variety and so that I would be full.

I kinda forgot I was bloated and struggling to feel that hungry. Plus I have the cashews and crisps so there is stuff to tide me over until tomorrow.

I'm kinda relieved they don't have the 8amish slot available, the next one is 10am, so I don't have to wake up too early for the third time this week.

Wow ok, just got a call from Iceland, the van has broken down so instead of it being due now, it's going to be from 7pm-9pm ouch.

But at least they had the manners to call and at least unlike Tesco they didn't cancel, she actually asked me if that was ok for me, didn't just assume.

So it's unfortunate but I do have leftovers still so I won't go hungry and won't need to do takeout.

The cramps are so bad with every movement and it started off mild and now it's all day, ugh.

I'm not drinking enough, maybe that's why? Getting up just seems like so much effort and not pleasant to be on my feet.

Plus the drinks going warm and I can't always be bothered to grab the ice poles to stick them in and make them chilled for longer.

I skipped dinner, I'm just not feeling that hungry for big meals. I didn't have to get up early after all.

It's only 10amish, I'll probably eat at lunchtime. All this time I was craving rotis, finally got them and now not excited.

They don't really have any taste, I can't help comparing it to the one's at home or at relatives houses, where it was so delicious and moreish, it was probably my favourite thing to eat..

Sometimes I think I can be a vegetarian because today's roti wraps would have been so much better without meat..

I didn't want to waste it, so I had it but didn't enjoy it that much.

The best thing was dipping the plain roti into the burger salsa and mint raita.

In the end I mixed them together and it was a perfect blend.

Oh on Thursday finally heard from Mama, she emailed and asked me what gifts my GrandMama should get me, she offered...?

And I thought why? You don't really ask about me. You're not concerned about my life....

You forced me to be religious when I was against it, so you didn't accept me for who I was....

Why now? As usual I told her it's unnecessary but I was appreciative and if she insisted, the only thing that I need is slippers.

I wear them out frequently. Mama said she'll pick up Cheetos and Kisses so I only made a request to seek out the nut ones, because we've only ever had the plain ones..

That was it, no mention if she was having a good time, arrived safely, what she was upto..... 

So be it. I wished her well. Oh she let something else slip but I'm not really sure about it.

Way back before, she said it was a year and I didn't speak at School at all.

But today she said I didn't talk normally until Junior school, I think it was, so I'm wondering if at Primary and Nursery I wasn't communicating then either.......

Hmm, strange, I just switched my phone on from being charged and now it says between 3pmish and 4pmish I'll get my Iceland order..

Maybe another error? Or did they fix the van issue sooner than expected?

I'm glad the tracking isn't saying delivered anymore, as the time slot passed.

It always makes me think, they've forgotten about me. That was cool, he arrived at 3.30pm, was helpful but I kept switching bags and it was hard to open them.

I was trying to explain I'm trying to even them out and he shovelling the items in...

I'm not risking a strain! But it's done and sorry can't face dinner but I will snack on crisps, if that helps..

And I've been sipping water so that and the anti cramp video, means I don't feel as bad as before.

Ouch tried to shift and spoke to soon.

#BlogLife616 - I'm Berry Mixed Up

Song of the day - Enna Solla Pogirai - Shankar Mahadevan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gep0IzKTcFI&list=WL&index=32

It's 9.12pm on Friday night and Yes thankfully I arrived safely.

It took 3 hours to book a car service. No answer, triple my usual payment quotes or too busy.

Everybody local was gouging me on the prices so I booked from Mama's area and although it was pricy.

I was out of options so instead of leaving early at 12pm, it was around 3pmish.

I was falling asleep in the car but thankfully he knew the area. For the first time in a long while I hit bed early at 10pm and then woke up every few hours until morning.

It's now Boxing Day (Tuesday), well actually it's Wednesday because I can't seem to focus on blogging.

I'm enjoying the lack of responsibility of doing very lil, watching junk television and sleeping a lot (or lil in my insomniac case).

I tried out the Dalston's cherry sparkling water and it's my favourite of the bunch.

It's not sweet but not sour, there is no aftertaste and it has a good amount of the cherry flavour.

I would highly recommend it for the no added sugar, low calorie version.

Next I tried the J20 orange and passionfruit, which wasn't sparkling but a lovely refreshing strong citrus drink that I thoroughly savoured.

A lil sweet but not too much, some I drank on it's own, others I mixed with the lemonade.

The Tango dark berry sugar free was the sweetest of them all. I had to start diluting with water or lemonade.

Amazon lemon and lime and the apple and raspberry were great bargains.

3 of each flavour were less than 30p each, Although the fizz didn't last long once it was open.

Not much overpowering sugaryness just tasty flavours. Mama had this faddy thing she bought on sale that I had to try.

It's a block of chocolate on a stick and you have it as hot chocolate.

My theory was that it needs to be melted into hot water and Mama's thought was that it enhances a hot chocolate drink by stirring and melting slowly..

Who was correct? Well in a way neither. It was by Divine and I like their chocolate but this was awful.

It had no taste. They say, heat up milk and stir it in until it dissolves and enjoy...

I don't drink milk, so I used hot water instead and stupid thing didn't melt, so whizzed it in the microwave and then it did.

Except there was zero flavour so I had to add hot chocolate and there was still no flavour boost.

A waste of money.

Last one was the 7UP cherry which was also a mild but wonderful taste. It didn't seem overbearingly sugary.

If you're sensible you'll stop reading the post here because I need to add something crazy....

So Mama has developed this nasty habit of dropping information, wretched news casually into the conversation.

Things I don't want to know or shouldn't know. The latest she flippantly blurted out is that the youngest sibling......

Had bought guns into the home and she was constantly throwing them out.....

Now what rings in my head, with all the threatening that he did, was what she had said the last time.....

Oh yea, he wished you were dead.....................

He never pointed a gun at me but the fact that he was a junkie and a psychopath, well that could easily have happened.

She almost almost, laughs it off as though that is normal behaviour.

What the hellllllllllllll????? She went ahead and discarded them like they harmless newspapers....

I really don't know what to think and the fact she found that and still didn't kick him out..

Knowing how he threatened herself and me........To be honest I am trying to forget I heard about it.

But that for me cements he is definitely capable of bodily harm, not just emotional.

That's not something you casually purchase. Oh pardon me shopkeeper, can I get some gum, some sweets and Oh ermm, a gun????

#BlogLife59 - Can I tell you a secret? (mature audiences only)

Look at you leaning closer thinking this is going to be another candid session. Tsk tut! Sorry to disappoint you, although I may pop one in at the end if I can think of one..

Actually the reason for the title of the post is because people just open up to me and tell me stuff and I always think........ Why the hell are you telling me this?

Now when I say people. I refer to new acquaintances that I don't know well but have exchanged back and forths with. I don't refer to my readers who are free to reach out and express anything.

Someone just told me something recently and I just laughed because frankly what do you say to that, except.... Are you being serious?

If I am in doubt of the validity of the confession. I just make a joke. I mean what are you looking for, from me? Sympathy? Praise? Attention? It is not something you share with people you barely know.

I truly do not understand that person. They said life was routine and dull but I know they could change that and help other people but actively choose otherwise. That is weird right?!

I cannot reveal exactly what I've been told as these are not my truths to share. Just trust me that these revelations are huge. The thing is, most of the time, they come out of nowhere.

There is no connection to the conversation so I always feel confused as to why it was blurted out, to me, of all people. If a reader emailed me and said..

You talked about your self esteem issues in a certain post. I can relate to that because... I would treat that with sensitivity because that was difficult to admit to anyone, let alone a stranger.

However if someone I barely talk to just tells me something life changing. I am lot less supportive and understanding as I feel that they have unburdened themselves and put it on my shoulders out of selfishness.

I don't appreciate that action. As I have daily stress of my own and I am not looking to ease anyone else's suffering. I can do it for friends or family or even as an unpaid supporter.

But when it is not quid pro quo and you get to unburden and feel lighter and I do not. I will have to show you the door. I remind you once more, we are not friends or even that close.

I had someone recently appear in my life and I thought we were progressing from acquaintanceship to friendship but then I analysed the conversations and realised...

He does not give any of himself away. I repeatedly asked questions about his day or life in general and I get the same thing each time.

"Nothing happening, just work!!!" Sooo sooo sooo uninteresting. He is added to the ignore list. I'm not looking for secrets. 

Just bloody say anything. Yeesh. Now you want to know one of my secrets? Nosey aren't you? :D

Alright here goes. I only ever told one person this. Don't judge but when I was a teenager living at home, maybe I was fifteen/sixteen..

I left a man stay over in my room. Now before you jump to conclusions. Hear me out first. Lower those raised eyebrows please.

Grins. Thank you. The situation was, we had spent the whole just hanging out and talking. He was a distraction. One of the guys I used to keep me out of the house.

It was a light new flirtyish friendship. I don't even think we kissed or did anything more than hug. Anyway hanging out with him mean't that I got a break from being scared at home and the bullying.

It was getting really late and he walked me home and asked if he could crash at mine because it was too late to take a train so I said....

There is no way in hell that is happening. My mama would kill me but I kinda felt sorry for him as he had been listening to me vent all day and he had tried his best to be supportive.

Eventually he talked me into it but I said, you gotta stay quiet and you cannot get caught. You have to leave early and there is to be no messing around.

I think he was desperate enough to agree, having said he would sleep in a park bench if I didn't consent. I made him keep his clothes on and I did the same.

I had never slept with a man before so this was unnerving, awkward and slightly terrifying. My mama tried to burst in the room but I shut the door quickly.

That was the funniest thing ever. I just said a friend was staying over and she would just bunk down here and we wouldn't make noise.

My mama was like meh sure. Whatever. If only she knew the truth........Bahaha!!! Anyway he got up to use the bathroom and he comes back saying...

Oh my goodness. I just got caught by your mama and my face was priceless. I was swearing in my head. Thinking what am I going to say??

Then he said he was kidding. If murder was quiet. I would have massacred his ass!! He did try it on, as males always do. 

He climbed on top of me and just said "Don't worry it isn't big, you won't feel it." But I pushed him off and said there was no chance that was happening.

He also tried "We should strip off to be more comfortable. I can't sleep like this and you can't either." (To be honest, I couldn't but there was no way I would admit that).

None of his tricks worked and afterwards when he left unseen in the morning. I realised I was trying to force myself to like him and be attracted but I wasn't.

Plus the fact he had tried to take advantage of my hospitality and just bulldoze his attentions on me because I couldn't loudly protest didn't escape my notice.

I just blocked him after that. I don't think I was scarred by it. I was just naive and it was a reminder to be more careful. I wish I had been in the future...