Knocks pain out of my mind temporarily

Today I set out in good spirits wondering if I could achieve a few of the things on my ancient task list but as the bus neared to my destination, at the shopping centre I felt the familiar pangs of foreboding.

I dread the walking around, the build up of excruciating pain and knowing that once again I will not be able to be the girl I once was. Energetic and carefree.

This time however being fed up of letting my body dictate what I could and could not achieve, I decided to once again think positively and give myself an inner pep talk. 

Pretend I had boundless energy and that the pain would somehow not be present until after I had concluded my business. 

It worked. I just cranked up the happy tunes and just thought I can do this.

I realised I had forgotten to bring in a form to hand in but no matter. I headed in the direction of the pound shop to pick up some beauty supplies. 

I remember ages ago I used to spend £6 on a single bottle of Rimmel foundation and struggled to find my shade elsewhere but by chance I tried out Poundland's version and found my exact style. 

It's a smaller tube but it lasts me a good while and I just stocked up on it.

Next I hoped to pick up some cooling mist, such a great buy but unfortunately they were sold out and unsure if they would restock them as summer is almost over sadly. 

I saw some nail buffer blocks which I have been dying to try out and they are much less abrasive than what I'm used to but I think they will also last longer. 

I did try to pick up some eyebrow pencils but unfortunately they fell out of the basket and my back would not permit me to bend so had to leave them be. 

Lastly I just wanted another notebook and some pens and then I checked out horrified that it was self service, so I ended up bending anyway to put the items in the bag and that's when the pain started to hit me.

Instead of walking fast with long strides. I made another smart choice and took smaller steps and that really helped maintain the pain. 

It didn't really increase until I got home and then it was quite bad but it was worth it. 

I had an unfortunate panic attack trigger but with my new found strength I just blocked it out and kept taking deep breaths and telling myself that I would be alright.

I stayed still, had my music playing and waited for it to pass. I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is in these situations but I do what feels right for me.

A few minutes later the trigger disappeared and I put my hand back down, composed myself and blocked out images that threatened to send me over the edge. 

I just carried on walking until I got to the bus stop and sat down feeling quite proud of myself. 

I know that it won't always be that easy. I have had triggers where it affects me so badly I can't stop shaking or crying but I am trying to cope better and with each new post, I find that I can be that much more open.