If I'm not me, who am I? (fiction)

I let out a long sigh looked deep into the mirror and just felt like a failure. My cute slim face had been replaced with a rounder version. 

My once thick free flowing hair had become thin and lifeless. My eyes looked bleakly at me as if to say....What happened to you? 

Where has your smile gone? the laughter? The effortless ability to make others forget their troubles and just engage in the merriment of carefree teasing?

I had no answers. I turned away as if to hide from the larger than life image staring back at me. My thighs although never really slim had become thicker. 

My stomach was the thing that bothered me the most. It stuck out so much that every item of clothing looked unflattering. My bum never bothered me, narrow or wider it just gave me shape. 

My wobbly arms I just always covered up in long sleeves even on the warmest of days.

I needed to get out of here to feel the sharp winter breezes wake me up so I could appreciate all the good things in my life. 

I wanted to have my freshly washed hair loose so I quickly tied a white bandana to push the stragglers out of my face. 

Then I changed into a long colourful sunset dress with wide splashes of colour spread loftily all around it, deep reds, oranges, yellows and the faintest black outline. 

Lastly I put my fully fleeced feet into my boots and grabbed my bag. It had just turned 9pm and although late it was still bright enough to see where I was going. 

I locked up and then walked the 10 minutes needed to get on the private beach I owned. It was so quiet with noone around but instead of being afraid I felt liberated and almost giddey. 

I loved going for long leisurely walks at my own contented slow pace. No racing off to do something or help someone.

Suddenly this sense of recklessness spread over me and I kicked off the boots, tore off my socks, dropped my bag and tore off running as fast as I could. 

The direction didn't matter to me I just need to clear my head of all the cluttered thoughts. 

Why did I have to cope with chronic pain when I could see people around me without any morals doing careless acts and not being punished for it?

I'm not perfect but I do have a conscience. I try to be a good person and make the tough but right decisions but there are others that don't think about how they act and yet it all turns out swimmingly for them. 

I could easily medicate with drugs or alcohol but once again I would just be punishing myself.

I felt the wind blowing through me and caressing my hair, the strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away. My breathing became ragged but I just could not stop running. 

The sand on my feet felt soft enveloping me deeper as I ran even faster hoping to escape all the nagging thoughts lingering behind.

Finally breathless my legs buckled and I fell on my knees exhausted. What would it feel like to be normal? To go through an entire day without any pain or soreness? 

To be able to sit, lay, walk or stand without wanting to cry because it hurts so much? My hands begin clutching the sand and letting it trickle out. Strands of time so fleeting.

I don't know how much time had passed until my breathing returned to normal. I looked around as the darkness was closing in all around me. 

I wrapped my arms around myself seeking comfort but not wanting to ask for it. I pushed myself up hearing the familiar crack of bones straining. 

I walked towards the clear blue/green water teasing me with its close proximity. I stood at the edge letting the water wet the hem of my dress. 

Sound erupted from my lips before I knew what it was. Bitter laughter escaped dragging my tears that spilled out over my cheeks.

I can't have the peace I crave. I can't have a single day without experiencing unhappiness. I flicked my foot into a wave and splashed and then did the same with the other. 

This time the sea got aggressive and returned rising above my ankles. I looked up as raindrops fell from the sky in clumps. Pushing the hair off my face. 

I pulled off my bandana and let the puddles claim it. Stretching my arms out, I twirled around and around. I didn't even feel the cold seeping into my pores. I was too far gone.

I realised that the last of my sanity and strength had just ebbed away. I had reached my final breaking point. I stopped twirling and looked back at my house and my life. 

All the pain, sorrow and wounds inflicted on me were back there. Whipping around back to the sea I heard it beckoning me. 

Slowly I walked forward as each step made it difficult to navigate. My dress clung to me, moulding itself to my curves. I paused barely long enough to look up at the sky. My last thoughts were never uttered.