#BlogLife886 - On display but on my own terms

I'm trying to deal with one issue at a time so I don't go completely barmy.

Stress is still eating away but I just have to face it and do the best I can with the limitations set upon me.

I met a new random yesterday B/G he can't make his mind up on his name and frankly I don't care, I wanted a distraction.

Anyway I felt like I was dangling crumbs to him, I wasn't really invested, didn't take him seriously at first.

My mind was consumed with everything that's going on still, which I can't just blurt out, very few would understand the situation without being judgy, and I don't need that.

But then later on when he kept saying Look, I have to leave soon, let's stay in touch, I was thinking....Hmm..

I don't make that decision on one chat. He didn't ask for my number or messengers, just email and I thought, alright that's different, I can do that, well as always I give them the spare one, the protonmail, not the main yahoo.

He basically delayed leaving for ages and that made me chuckle.

You know what's really funny, when they find out about the blog, they want to read it (to see if they are mentioned, mini fame status pfft).

None of them have ever connected the email to the blog, they just assume it's a cute name, Sleepless Scribbler.

So this random said I'm really impressed that you didn't ask for my photo, it's really off-putting straight away.

And I shrugged and said I don't do picswaps anyway, it's not my thing.

He accepted that and now today it's I want a photo of you. Ha! They all just trick me into thinking they don't want it, when they do.

So even though I'm completely against it, today I think I will do it, but not for him, for myself.

I recall years ago, sending that guy V, an unflattering picture, no makeup, probably greasy unfresh hair, peculiar expression.

And how free I felt, no filters, no softer display, not hours spent, trying to look cute and then still being rejected and feeling bad about my looks.

He loathed it and questioned the un-appealingness of it but I felt empowered enough to think, I know he won't look past it and see the real me and I still have the courage to send it.

So that's what I'm going to do today. Just go bare faced, messy eyebrows that need plucking, no volume on my flat oily hair.

No makeup making my eyes or lips pop. I don't see the point, when I'm getting ghosted or cut loose anyway.

I think most of my clothes are now two sizes too big. On my plus sized frame that isn't flattering at all.

The one thing I am going to do, is wear something fitted, a tshirt maybe because that's the only thing that would truly represent my figure.

Everything else makes me look and feel so huge and for the last few years I have worked damn hard to lose the weight but still there is two stones to go.

I would like for once to be seen and accepted in my present size but it's a long shot.

Rejection hurts but it's not the end of the world. I guess the more I have an earthy frank discussion, the more my confidence flips between high and low.

I can't lie to myself and make out I'm gorgeous and attractive. There is cuteness but there is also a figure that is larger than what men lie and say they want.

It's hard to keep feeling good about yourself, when the overwhelming response is........ You are not fanciable.

Right before I chicken out I'm going to take a break, snap the pictures, review them, write an explanation, send them and return to confirm it.

I wonder what his excuse will be? Ohhhhh.......When you said plus sized I thought you mean't like a size 14/16 not above that.

That's too huge, sorry I just remembered I'm in crisis and need to re-assess my life and who is in it and errr, yea I'll be in touch.

LOL! Did men get together and say Listen lads, saying you're not my type isn't going down well, make the above speech, she'll never ever crack the code, ok guys?!

Every single one of them, makes the exact same awol speech to me, hilarious, word for word, precisely identical.

Ugh I did it and it was difficult to get a good angle. I changed twice and I've always remembered the advice when you're not feeling great about your body, wear pretty lingerie underneath.

No-one sees it, no-one knows but it gives you a lift, far greater than any compliment.

And I admit it does work for me. I had bought a new black lace bra that looks satiny and cute but hadn't worn it, until today.

I still don't feel stunning but I don't feel yucky either and I'm bloated also, which doesn't help.

Now I just have to send them off. Ok, I probably spent about half an hour, picking the right words and now I'm back to cringing.

It's 2.43pm and he did say he was super busy today so I don't expect a response, but at the same I do.

Either I am appealing or I'm not. I don't want to care but I kinda do.

It's confusing taking new photos, on one hand I seem smaller when I wear something snug and then when I put on something baggy, I feel that is the truer image because I'm gigantic.

I have to stop stewing about this as it's nearly 3pm and I haven't eaten all day and just now sipping water, which isn't healthy because I did a similar thing yesterday.

So am I crazy or enlightened for not making the effort? I have no idea actually and I'm not saying do the same.

Always do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I guess there are times though we all have to push ourselves to keep growing and improving.

Anyway I don't know if it was a good thing to do but I do feel braver for doing it.

It's really not easy for me to put myself out there at all for a multitude of reasons.

I'm not looking for a man to tell me I'm beautiful, what I seek is a genuine connection, where my imperfections are celebrated.

For once, not being made to feel I'm frumpy. My hair's too short or that I don't need to be fed because I'm heavy enough..

There is a correlation between not eating today and trying to look semi decent.

But fear not, I've put a chicken slice on to cook and actually I was craving the vegan sausage rolls but I've finished them, boo.

I need to get some more. Oh good grief after all that, the attachment didn't attach.

I checked it and it was there. I did try something called an inline where it just pops up, this time I'll do the attachment version.

I want it over and done with. He was sweet, he did say not to bother as he didn't want me to be uncomfortable but I re-sent it on the phone.

I think I'm trying to tell my brain to pay attention, that I have lost weight, that I do look better and each picture, tells that story.

When I saw a new email before from him, I didn't even want to read it, ha, I am such a chicken.

Oh by the way, he's not a long-termer, he's only a temporary one, so why did I make the effort?

It's for myself, to show that I could do it and that another rejection isn't going to destroy me.

I need to embrace my hard work and feel positive that I'm changing for the better and that it shows and I will try to always validate myself.

I want to post this when he responds so I'm not thinking about it anymore.

And after all of that, what did he reply??

"Received. Panic over. Thanks." Ha, men really are the most insensitive creatures ever.

Whatever..... I think I'll just leave it there. I don't feel the need to get back to him, he didn't like them, obviously.

I wasn't expecting gushing compliments but alright, that's that. I can't help but laugh how women just go over and over things and men just shrug.

It doesn't consume them at all. I'm going to munch and forget it.

Wow, just wow though, four measly words. Ugh!