If I reached out in the future, I'm not sure what I'd say to Mama. I don't want to keep being cruel, but I also can't stand dealing with her.
Maybe something like.. It wasn't all bad. I appreciate the good things you have done for me too.
But I have squashed my needs all of my life and I'm finally recognising what I can and can't live with..
I just don't want to sacrifice my happiness, just so that you won't be sad.
I can't say... Oh you make me depressed or that you're not approachable..
Or that, the truth is You have always made me feel bad. I should have communicated this clearly a long time ago..
But I feel like when you kicked me out. I was lost and then trying to find myself.
Then unearthing and trying to put everything into words, took time too.
I think if I had broached everything and you still gave this cold unfeeling response..
I would have cut contact then. I always felt like noone had my back and was on my side, so I felt alone.
I just don't have the strength to endure it and confrontations were always so hard because noone listened. Noone cared.
Being brave and finally opening up was a big deal. I've been scared all of my life, to deal with any backlash..
And the hurt of being ignored. My worst fears were confirmed. You don't want to work on our fractured relationship..
You expect me to sweep it under the carpet and forget I have needs, which I've always done, to spare you being upset.
When do I get to look after myself? When am I ever going to be the concern?
It's very freeing to stand up for myself and say. I'm tired of this crap.
I know for sure, if I contact you..... After a while, it will all go back to the same treatment...
And I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm tired of pretending I'm strong enough to deal with you.
I'm fragile and delicate and sensitive and there's nothing wrong with that.
Luckily you have really special friends around and they will support and look out for you in my absence.
I don't have that. I have never had that because I grew up thinking.... Nobody wants to be around me.....
I'm not enough. Not slim, not pretty, not smart, not sociable...
Everything wrong with me, you were quick to point out. I have this belief, people can see inside me and laugh that there isn't any substance to me,
I run and hide before they can tell me, confirm it...
That I'm just not someone that deserves love and care and wholesomeness.
That they don't see anything good and special about me. That I'm just rotten and defective.
The lifetime of damage is done and you can't fix it.
I don't want to be hurt anymore. Not physically, not emotionally..
I want to rest my head on someone's shoulder and cry and not be punished for being weak..
But uplifted for being true to myself.
Why don't you understand that and stop making me miserable?
Think about someone, other than yourself..
I have a feeling, the longer I stay away, the more content I will be.
I don't know if it's even possible to recuperate while someone keeps inflicting pain..
This is soo strange. I thought I saw season 2 of Happy's Place but it's news to me Emmet and Bobby sorta moved forward..
Ugh I'm trying to heal my back and had the blankie on, but I'm suffocating. It's turned really hot, so the fan feels ineffective.
The humidity has gone awful. My back is still screaming every time I bend for something and I keep dropping things argh.
But I need a distraction from the pain. I did eat yesterday some pasta that was easy to heat up.
Aside from the early morning wakeups and getting back to sleep. I am rested but now I'm worried about the weekend shopping.
How on earth can I manage to bend, pack it into bags and not scream or curse?
I really am beginning to hate the drivers. Please let the back be healed, otherwise I may just skip it and I'm not sure what to do when the food runs out...
I can get takeout I guess. Let's think positively. It's only Tuesday, still a few days left.
If the temperature drops I can put the blankie on and not feel faint.
Ugh I have a uc appointment next week. That's going to be painful, getting ready.
Let's just take it one day at a time. Hmm Morrison's sent me a £10 off coupon but I have to spend £60..
The reality is spending £50ish and I've scaled back. I'm only spending £40ish now to stretch the pennies further.
It's not a good deal, considering some of us have smaller households.
