I had a nice chat with a random, don't ask the name. I can't remember and then 5x days later, ghosted.
I can understand when you don't mesh and it's an effort but we seemed to get along well.
But ok, if you don't want to talk. I block and accept.
I've just tried the Grill House tandoori kebabs, the long kofte ones.
It took about 20x minutes. I'd probably do it for a few minutes more.
I like the tandoori flavour but it could do with more herbs, that was the only seasoning that came through.
I still enjoyed it. Pricey. £4 for 5x kebabs.. I had intended to slice it up and put it on top of some cheesy garlic bread slices..
But as usual I was too hungry so had the garlic bread solo.
Oh by the way G finally delivered my Iceland order and he said Oh I haven't seen you in ages..
So I said Yea I've been cheating with other supermarkets, he just laughed and dropped off the bags.
I so wish I had asked the days he was working..
Ok that freaked me out. My phone rang and no number or name came up...
I ignored it and looked at the call history. It was Mama, of course.
I don't want to talk to her yet. It's weird. It's like I already blocked her but I haven't....
I wrote the above yesterday before I sent the email. If you're wondering how I am and if I regret it..?
No. This has been brewing since I was a teenager. I could not articulate any of it.
I had no voice or expression. Day by day the lil self esteem I had was chipped away.
How I felt can be summed up in this point. Imagine, wanting to speak and not knowing how?
It's such a basic thing. Late last night I blocked her on the phone.
This post summed up, me wanting to open up but it not coming out. Until I lived alone and was safe..
This post was so powerful for me to write. In 2017, the year I started blogger..
Highlighting my pain and depression. I think it was the first proper fiction piece.
I am so proud that I was able to say it. I don't know why but I love that line..
"The strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away."
I felt like I was saying to myself through the tears. Hey, this is you, finally writing, finally unearthing.
Go you. I love you so much :) I think I classified it as fiction because although it was real, it wasn't in the usual post style.
https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html
This other post, relives my assault. I finally faced it and when I said He/They..
I mean't my siblings who had bullied me and stole my happiness and safety and the person who committed the act, that I had to recognise happened.
In the end, it got to the point where. It had to be acknowledged.
That was the only way, I could write it. All of it, I tried to erase but time ran out and it doesn't matter if I'm emotional, reading or writing it..
I have to try and heal.
https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2022/05/bloglife266-he-he-he-they-broke-me.html
There had been no text or email. No acknowledgement, to even say..
I didn't know any of this. I do care but if space is what you need after sharing, we will talk in the future.
I have left email as her only recourse for getting in touch. If she chooses.
I think it actually finally dawned on me, when I had the courage to say it to her..
I don't need to know Why. For my health, I just finally want it to sink in..
This was my life and reality. The one you denied. Let it sink in, how vulnerable, depressed, suicidal and unsafe I felt.
Don't dismiss my childhood because it's shameful. Accept it all happened and empathise that..
Even if you felt powerless or obligated. You never once wrestled with confronting them or calling the Police to eject them.
As for my cousins who shattered my confidence.. I did tell you about that..
You said.. They probably don't mean it. You're family. You have to be close.
I admire them for how slim they are. I love how pretty they are. They are so approachable and friendly..
Why can't you emulate them?
With your son's and nieces.. Your attitude was.. You're overreacting to it.
It's not bullying. They are too sweet. It's their Mama's fault not them.
You should want to be like them and be slim. Why can't you lose weight and talk more???
Now do you get it? What I had to live with? And why I am so angry??
And why cutting her out, is not such a problem.
I care. I love her. But there's comes a time, when you think, I've been emotionally rejected and beaten by your attitude, once to often.
It's time for you to face the consequences of your words and actions.
I was broken in pieces and so fragile and only in my 30s/40s was I able to finally face you and reveal everything.
Whether you like it, accept it or ignore it. This is me.
I have spent decades undoing the damage. Learning how to like and love myself.
That my needs matter.
That what I think is important too.
Lastly I have grown to be a beautiful, flourished, accomplished woman.
Who talks and who people listen too and admire.
I don't hate myself. I don't think I'm dumb. I'm kind to myself and others.
Sounds vastly different to the shy girl, who just wanted to be loved, respected and listened too, with care.
Im sorry you finally have to face it. But the weight is off my shoulders.
Despite you and your family trying to make me insecure and change me..
I turned out great. Never in love. Never surrounded by friends.
But you know what??
I'm true to myself. That's a kind of happiness about not living a life in denial.
Moving forwards. I don't see our relationship being evolved.
I can't see you discussing it deeply. I could be wrong..
It will be civil and friendly but empty.
I finally get to break away of the fake version of life, that you revel in.
I can breathe again and get on with life.
