I feel like I've lost my joy and only now am I getting it back. I'm stressed all the time and that's become my norm and I'm sick of it.
My family, my friends, dating, health, all just taking from me and leaving me empty.
I'm more serious in this mood, less capable of having a silly chat.
There's a guy I semi regularly chat too and because he's a J, he doesn't ask a thing about me.
I've tried to steer the conversation, drop hints and it's like, he's trying to say the supposed the right thing, but really, he's still only concerned about himself.
And I completely lost it, when he said Jeez, You've been hurt or something?
Instead of acknowledging, Hey maybe she wants to have an intellectual conversation.
Instead it's Oh she's lost her mind, heartbroken, so hates all guys and her feelings aren't valid so she's not capable of being rational and coherent.
Ugh I just ended it and said, Women, think and Men don't, we are built differently.
I want to chat to someone real that I can open up too and maybe flirt with and although he says he understands and was following my queues..
He really doesn't because he kept saying Are you ok? Because normally you're fun, he didn't say that last part, but that was the interpretation.
I ignored that because either he gets me or he doesn't, there's no point saying....
Look the truth is, I'm ill all the time. I'm worried all the time. I have trouble sleeping, my brain goes to dark scenarios.
I usually feel empty or not lonely really, just in need of someone to talk too.
I was cold and snippy and said Maybe you need a woman with no brains, so let's not talk anymore.
But then I realise, talking to men that are just asking me personal questions or trying to get me to date them or flirt back isn't helpful either.
I guess I want to be coaxed with the right enquiries. How are you? How's your day going?
My lil bouts of happiness come at the end of the day, where my duties are done.
It's me time, gaming and nothing else matters. No scary monsters in my head, no more bad thoughts about the future.
Just trying to get cosy, switch off and enjoy a lil highlight. As hard as it is to just put aside these things.
I'm going to try. I have to be brave and carry on. I want to make myself proud by publishing a lot more stories and the occasional spoof or serious topic.
Dagnabit, I over ran the bath with too much hot water, now I hope the cold will balance it out, it didn't seem like it will fill that fast.
It's not my day today. I'm trying to be positive despite all these obstacles.
Got to admit, it was a horrible day. Dust blew into my eyes as the bus was pulling up, I barely saw the number and was holding onto things to see.
They had the laziest assistant working at the library, glued to her phone, she didn't want to help me print, she's like follow the instructions on the wall, the others just do it for me and are friendlier.
They made it so bloody complicated, scan this, load this, what the hell.......
She was no help at all, then bloody yahoo is saying we'll text you a code to log in, nothing, nada, by the time they did, I was late for UC appointment and every second question was, Do you have an update?
Asked and answered numb nuts! So me and my big mouth blurted out about the printouts, so he said you can give it to me Thursday.
And he always asks Are you volunteering anywhere? Ugh I've told you that a thousand times, try making notes or paying attention.
He asked how long I do it, now there is no way to answer this question so that it pleases them, if you say too many hours, Oh that's too much...
I said 1 hour, he said Oh you should do 5/6, it's not like you've got anything to do......
Schmucky schmuck shmuckiest. I have writing dodo! Just because you're inept at your role, doesn't mean, I'm not fulfilled in mine!
Ugh I have to leave early tomorrow and get it done via the library or Rymans.
I didn't get rained on though and I was so fed up and drained, I didn't bother go to the cafe or shop, I just wanted to go home, so I ordered Chinese but got a discount and because it took so long, maybe an hour, ha, they threw in prawn crackers too, which was the highlight of my day.
I didn't eat much, I'm not that hungry but I had some opal fruits and a biscuit or two and the rest maybe I'll save for Thursday.
I really miss youtube working on the laptop, I could play asmr or anti nausea or anti cramps, now I have to play that via the phone only.
Oh well tomorrow I can relax and then Thursday I'll probably miss the start of Looney Tunes new event.
Well after complaining on Twitter, Youtube works again on the laptop, which is good because last night instead of listening to sleepy asmr....
I had to play the pmt which sometimes helps settle my tummy, I felt like I had to burp or get rid of the bloating or something before I could sleep and eventually it did help but it was relaxing binaural beats music.
