Hmm from Sunday, no reply from Mama after I said I'm not coming for Christmas, no asking How I am..
Fine. I'm only your so-called daughter with health issues and dwp crap.
Then tonight she texted to say the older siblings isn't coming and neither is anyone else, that it wouldn't be the same without me.
Did she contact me while she was away? Nope.
I feel like I'm being manipulated to tow the line and just agree.
To give in, ignore my needs and cater to hers alone.
I think my issue is, now one of the few times I'm standing my ground and sticking up for myself..
Suddenly she's listening? All the years, all the times I've said, if the siblings are there, I don't feel safe..
Now suddenly she's doing me a favour??
Why?? Because you don't want to be alone and you want something from me, suddenly you're being kind..
Maybe you should have considered my safety and wellbeing long before.
You know as selfish as I am. When I told her I wasn't visiting over Christmas..
I felt weightless. I know I'm not supposed to take care of myself, it's supposed to be what she wants, what she needs, to hell with my happiness right?
But stepping away, saying No, I'm not doing what you want.
I'm tired of sacrificing myself for you, felt really good.
I know now I've made the right decision.
She's not said Are you okay? Can I do anything?
Do you need anything? If it was anyone else but me, she would have.
That is what grates on me. Always being taught, Whatever I want is pointless, Whatever others want is real, it's important.
This year's been hard. I've struggled physically and mentally.
I've had numerous injuries, a bad fall. I'm constantly stressed about money.
When do I just get to switch off from it? It's supposed to be lonely right? To be alone over the holidays..?
But what if it's not? What if it's freeing to not have anyone being nasty to you?
Putting you down? Making you feel you're not enough..
What if this year, I can finally breathe?
I don't know what's going to happen in the future.
But if I were her, I'd start to question why her only daughter is distancing herself away, more and more.
I don't think she'll ever self reflect. I think I've gotten to a point where I'm too fragile, too vulnerable.
People are bad and I want to keep my distance, put a lot of walls up and just feel safe again.
There's a lot of bad qualities in me but despite what everyone I know thinks/says about me.
I know I'm a decent person. I'd have your back but no-one is reliable and I've not found anyone that can give me the bond that I would eventually want.
No time for me and take take take, no thanks.
I had a lot of love to give, care, time, affection..
I'm not sure I do anymore.
Ugh just as I thought I couldn't feel worse, there's a new weird mystery pain, my insides feel yucky and movements like bending are making it worse.
There's a local random that's ask to meet a few times, non romantically to kill his boredom.
A tiny bit of me is almost tempted just to have a giggle and the rest of me, doesn't feel safe at all.
I thought I was ready but I'm not, maybe some time later or next year..
