#BlogLife990 - I'm sorry I don't feel the way you think I should...

Something that is kinda starting to get on my nerves is society and then people's perceptions..

I chose to purposely spend Christmas alone, I could have easily spent it with family but to be honest, I didn't want too.

Every time I mention, I'll be alone, everyone floods me with sympathy.

To those people, Knock it off. We don't all have perfect fictional families, where it's relaxing and peaceful.

I'm dealing with chronic pain, very lil energy and stress, landlord, dwp, bills, expenses, blah blah blah.

And realising it is now vital I take care of myself, physically and mentally because otherwise I'm going to sink into a deep dark depressive state.

I've felt it coming on strongly for a while now but the simple thing of standing up for myself and saying No Mama I'm not coming to stay with you, was massively exhilarating.

I know I couldn't say the words I wanted too, to her. I don't want to be mean or hurt her feelings, which is why I usually explode on here.

But it comes down to the same thing I've been feeling all my life.

She and others expect me to ignore my feelings, drop everything and cater to their needs 24-7 but when I need something......

They are nowhere to be found, or going through the motions of pseudo support, when they can't be bothered.

And I am sick of being exploited for others selfishness.

Enough is enough. It's high time, I look out for myself.

Part of me doesn't feel festive, maybe it's the guilt of leaving Mama alone.

But she is addicted to the pattern of...... You daughter are not important.

You are an afterthought, I expect to contact you last and for you to Jump at my commands!!!

I just don't want to please anymore. I don't want to ignore the resentment I feel at always being treated this way.

Why should I? I know one of these days I'll snap. I know I will blurt out home truths because I can't take it anymore..

But for now, it's just between you and me.

In the past when it was alternate Christmas's with her and I was alone, I did feel a bit empty and lost.

But I don't feel that this year. I do feel lighter and I think I feel proud of myself for admitting, this behaviour isn't right and speaking up, even if I didn't share the real reason, is a positive step.

I'm so glad I bought snack food, that doesn't need cooking, it is so convenient to nibble on.

Can you believe in 10 posts time it will be BlogLife1k? A thousand times of me not giving up.

Persevering, trying to open up and be vulnerable. Trying to write stories and swallow the embarrassment of publishing them..

And thinking pffft, you're an idiot girl, no-one finds you compelling enough to read what you've written.

Who do you think are? Famous or something? An intellectual?

I don't think so.

But yet, even with my lack of confidence, deep insecurities and feeling hopeless and really really dumb and uninteresting..

I just kept thinking. I love this. I love talking. I'm my own appreciative audience.

No one is here to stop me communicating anymore.

I can finally be me.

And actually I have a lot to say and this is all my perspective and truth that I never got to express.

I still remember being that scared curious bubbly lil girl. Too fearful to talk but animated on the inside.

Dreaming of being a writer. Maybe, just maybe one day I'll be free to speak...

I'll create funny lil stories and people will laugh at them, instead of me, finally..

I'll develop self worth and I won't hate myself for being me. I'll celebrate because who I am is good enough.

I don't need to be perfect, I just need to be authentic and true to myself.

And this is my point really. This is why I love being alone. I'm not compared to others, I'm not judged.

And there's no-one saying..... You don't measure up. 

You're supposed to socialise, you're supposed to join in and want company.

But if you're constantly disrespected..... Why would you want too???

It's Christmas Eve and typically the last day of the Advents. I'm going to finish those off and the UC and then relax.

Please always remember that you matter. What you think and feel is important.

Learn to value yourself and then hopefully you'll spot people that are unkind, earlier, so you can distance yourself or dismiss them.