I have got to get out of my head

Aright I admit it. I am not happy and haven't been for a while.

I'm going through the motions of life and doing almost everything I'm supposed to but the constant lack of sleep during this heatwave and my general restlessness means that dark thoughts are swirling through my head.

I'm not a huge fan of posting negative thoughts continuously but it does help me to express myself so I can't help it. I would never again admit this to anyone else that I know. 

I feel guilty that I burdened my friend with it when I blurted out.. 

"I wish I didn't survive." 

I was long past my breaking point and the pain was monopolising my body in the most brutal fashion. I could not cope, none of my tricks were helping. 

I was just completely broken down.

I knew she was worried and I shouldn't have vocalised it but it did feel good not burying my feelings. This is how I feel sometimes when I can't function. 

There is no escape from it. I just have to endure it until I can crawl back home and shut the world out and hope I can close my eyes for a brief moment or two.

I thought about all the times I collapsed and pondered on how peaceful it felt. I was ready to leave all the misery behind. 

To feel complete and utter numbness and then I kept being revived and I wanted to protest, It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to cry out "Leave me be."

The aggravating thing about it though is that when my wish finally came true and I was close to the edge. Nearer than I had ever been before..  

I didn't give up. I fought to survive, partially for me and a fraction for my mother. 

I just couldn't leave her in that miserable situation, so here I am alive with people still commenting how fortunate I am to have come out of it unscathed. 

None of them know I am still bleeding on the inside and the wounds are cut too deep to be patched up completely. 

Yes I will continue on but no I will never get over it. My experiences will continue to haunt me until the bitter end.