I can't breathe

It could be any number of factors. I know when I am hormonal I get irritated and prefer to be left in peace. It could also be from evolving. 

When I lived at home and saw friends in particular I felt like I had to constantly entertain and be the one to lift everyone's spirits.

I consistently lied to my cousin about not wanting to get together. The real reason I didn't want to see her is she and her sister zeroed in on all my insecurities. 

I never felt enough and shish they let me know it. I felt like I had to transform in front of them into this whole new person who was confident and worldly and constantly on the go.

I am a really simple woman. The opposite to them. They had to be liked and have everyone in their orbit be in awe of them. 

I just wanted to blend in and be allowed to do my own thing and feel how I felt. I didn't need to be liked and still don't but I deserved to be respected at the very least.

I am still learning how to ask for what I want and to be around them means I feel off-balance. I have irregular acquaintances that float in and out of my life and that's fine and a few who manage to linger longer.

The brief ones seem to latch on to me for dear life. At first the regular contact is amusing and fun but a few days later, their constant pull on me, starts to be stifling. 

I am back to steer heading the conversation and making all of the effort. It's like they lose the ability to maintain their individuality. I am their sole focus. 

Nothing happening in their life comes across, it is just follow up questions about mine. At this point, my oxygen runs low and I run screaming for the hills. I cannot be your lifeline. I am my own breathing apparatus.

I normally stop responding for a bit or lie but for this latest one I told the truth. I need some space away form you and will be in touch later on in the week.

Apart from stunned silence and taking a while to respond. He actually handled it pretty well and said he would wait to hear back. 

My next step is to limit the contact channels. I'm going to cut off emails and leave it with texts and calls. It is just too much to be badgered in all directions.

He may last a little bit longer but the expiration date is close at hand. I can sense the resentment that I don't fawn all over him, boost his ego or want to spend every waking moment in his presence.

I have been living on my own now since 2007 I think and I absolutely love it. I can entertain myself. I can do whatever on earth I want. I rarely feel bored or alone. 

I don't have to be pressured into being someone I'm not or forced into being chirpy. I can just breathe and feel according to my mood.

Why can't the clingy among you do the same? Why do you have to be so suffocating? Get a hobby. Learn a new skill. Find out what interests you, apart from me. 

What are you going to do when I sever my ties, with or without the explanation that you've turned dull and needy?