#BlogLife481 - I found a second lump

So this is what has been occupying my mind day and night and not really something I wanted to divulge but I guess it's better for my sanity if I do.

I think it was last week or the week before I was getting changed and I think I was just about to put my bra on and I noticed that there was a much smaller lump that had already burst on the same right breast.

I hadn't felt any pain, any sensitivities, any liquid seeping out. It had gone unnoticed, compared to the first one.

It's already healing and is not noticeable unless I really check it. It is around my hormonal month but I have never had 2 at the same time.

I had literally just stop freaking out about the first one. I really don't need anything else to worry about and yet here is  another thing to crack me up and make me lose it.

I should be grateful that it wasn't enlarged and tender but I'm not.

What if it keeps happening? I think I realised that through being sick long term and from dealing with my life, that I'm not afraid of dying, I'm more petrified of suffering and the longevity of that.

I would love to de-clutter my mind and be at peace so that I could write fiction clearly.

I just can't seem to do it. There are these obligations and people making demands from me in all directions.

Nonstop periods coming and going. Moods that keep changing from anger to sadness to mental exhaustion.

There's no-one I can have a phone chat with and be close enough to share any of it and even if there was someone, I don't think I could bring myself to do it anyway.

It's just going around and around in my head, all these worse case scenarios.

The thought of being this fragile and vulnerable and going to a Doctor would just finish me off.

I would end up sinking into depression once more. I guess I'll end this in a somewhat positive spin and comfort myself.

I know you're scared right now. I know that you feel lost and hopeless and that's alright, it's okay to admit it.

That's a standard reaction for anybody. It's not self pity, it's being human and being honest about going through something life-changing.

I'm not going to judge you for not seeking treatment. I know it's a very sensitive issue, not feeling able to be open with doctors without them snapping at you and telling you, you're lying.

It's a catch 22, on one hand it might your mind at ease, on other hand, it would probably make you feel ten times worse.

Just get through as best as you can and know that I am always on your side and will be there to support any decision you make, now and always.