#BlogLife571 - I'm your friend but you were never mine!

I feel eerily calm today, probably due to everytime I woke up, I made myself go back to sleep so although very broken..

All together it was a decent night's sleep. An extremely rare occurrence for a lifelong insomniac.

I guess I've always had things on my mind, preventing me from letting go and having a blissful slumber.

Back then it was a fear of being beaten up and I didn't want a scratch on me.

Plus my parents separating and nowadays I guess it's stress of being pushed passed my physical limitations in front of strangers and breaking down and crying uncontrollably.

There was always a world of imagination waiting for me. Some blissful land where I was the one in charge of my own destiny.

There I was safe and happy, with nobody out to get me or make me feel I didn't belong.

I'm excited for tomorrow, I get my booties and will probably start wearing them as soon as I can and hope they are comfy.

I don't know if Mama has time for breakfast or lunch, we shall see.

Sometimes it's hard to eat when it's not on my schedule. I only really munch, when I'm craving a snack or meal.

I'm in two minds about the supplements, on one hand, they are probably providing nutritional health benefits to my body.

And on the other, they are prolonging my periods. Arghhh. It's been a weekish, instead of a few days.

I'm still getting that feeling of painful breasts. I don't need additional discomfort.

I'm nearing the end of Sen Cal Kapimi, thank goodness. I find all the characters laughable now.

I just want to power through and see how it ends. Everybody plays games and seems to need validation to be happy.

Nobody trusts anyone and lies constantly and the clingyness, yuckity!!

Definite co-dependent themes. What's wrong with being independent and taking things slowly?

Building up the trust and having that strong foundation? I kinda wish Jeren had stood by her statements about the one-way friendship with Eda.

That she is all about herself and not her friends but she took it back and blamed her illness.

I can relate to that. I will be endlessly listening, providing advice and support and I never feel that in return.

I realised what really ticked me off about one such "friend." She didn't have time to talk to me on the phone...

Which is my way of really feeling heard and comforted in a significant way but then she flaunted it in my face that she was talking to others and having wonderful conversations.

It's like she was mocking me and either she saw it or didn't but that to me was the final straw!!

You can't have it both bloody ways. Expect me to be there for you but just disappear when I'm losing my footing.

I wonder if any of my former acquaintances actually miss me? Regret their selfishness?

Are even melancholy about not being a better friend? Pining for that unconditional patience that I had for them??

Honestly I don't really give a damn. I have always deserved more loving friendships but it is what it is.

Perhaps they mistook my lack of confidence for being a doormat that would put up with bs??!!

Nope. I gave allowances, I waited for them to acknowledge their own flaws.

I confronted them as horrible as that was and still, nothing changed!!

So I remind myself, once again. I am a warm, funny, loving, sweet, thoughtful and genuine person.

I will cheer you up, root for you, encourage you to think positively and be there if you need anything at all.

But I won't put up with bad cold meaningless friendships that are not equal.

Your loss!!

Appreciate me or lose me forever because I look forwards not backwards and being alone far surpasses having you in my life.

Being on my own actually makes me stronger, not weaker.

Goodbye and good riddance to all those people that took, took, took and didn't invest.

I'm full of bad habits and mistakes but at least I can come forward and say yes, I did this and that was wrong.

I wasn't always patient. I wasn't always trusting or open but I did the best I could, which was still, wayyyyy more than any of you did.

I don't really want to be negative or too ranty but if something is playing in my head, then it's better for me to voice it.

And this was for a while. I ignored it but I feel better for speaking the truth.

That my needs are never met and I have to acknowledge that I deserve them to be.

I never see myself as important as others, which is wrong because I am.

So I struggle to say, this friendship is a problem because as low as I always feel, you as the person on the other side, should never make me feel unworthy.

I constantly attract that type of person. I just realised they are all content to make me feel like crap!!!

This is why I let very few people get close to me and I extract myself very often.

As the truth is people chip away at my self-esteem. They use me and I don't see it!

Sometimes I really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want them to like me as much as I value them.

I want them to be as honest as I am but typically, I exist for their amusement!

Make sure those around you respect you and give you what you need from them.

I'm not saying always or all the time. I know people have their own lives but the scales should be balanced.