#BlogLife588 - Gizli Sakli cliffhanger?!

Song of the day - Bunty Singh - Ah Want To Get Marry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8UiOwGszgo&list=PL_S79tzxwHpPMvQb_ft0dgOQA7kcRZsUA&index=65

This song made me laugh so much. It's so much more entertaining when there is a story and they make the effort to produce a video that says something, instead of the bad dancing.

I finally watched the end of Gizli Sakli hoping for this warm fuzzy wrap up.

And what happened? Nothing, they were still too chicken to admit their feelings for each other and the case didn't wrap up.

Very disappointing, don't bother with it. I don't know if it got cancelled or the writers fell off a cliff but it took me ages to power through it and it wasn't worth it.

L was telling me an acquaintance pmmed her and she's got her female nickname posted with a Miss at the front.

As similar to me, we both kept being mistaken for men, which is yuckity.

This person knowing she was female, called her Bro. Ick!! She politely corrected him, that she was indeed a woman, complete with picture in her profile.

And he said Don't sweat it, I call everyone Bro. Yuckkkk!!! I just find that disrespectful and would not tolerate it at all.

I don't want to be called butch nicknames, I celebrate being a woman and I find being called anything else, disgusts me.

I got my eardrps and enjoyed my pampering weekend. My forehead isn't as dry but it still needs dual or triple moisturising.

I was discovering new and old music on Youtube and these were so funny and feelgood, I immediately let everything go.

And then I felt tense as the weekday approached closer and closer and I wondered why?

Oh I also trimmed my hair. I feel less messy now. I took off two or three inches as usual and it still feels as though there is a lot of hair left.

Anyway during the week I feel as though people expect me to be a normal functioning healthy person.

And not that I would complain all the time but someone with serious limitations just can't switch to being normal.

The most I can do is omit the reality and cover up and be a sort of actress.

Pretend, pretend, pretend!

Instead of being completely transparent and people responding with Ohh, Hmm, Yeaa, anyway...

I always compare it to having the flu, it's not temporary, there is no cure and I'm not suddenly going to wake up and wave and say....

Oooh all better now. Literally this weekend I bumbled about struggling to open lids and peel back flipping foil.

And it's humiliating to struggle with these simple tasks but that's how it is.

At least there is noone around to watch this pathetic display or taunt me.

To push down the pain or frustrations or sadness of it all, is draining and it stresses me out.

I want to be free to be myself, sometimes happy, sometimes, annoyed or sometimes fed up.

That's why I love when I'm unreachable and my phone is off and I'm not checking emails or texts because everyone wants me to be this phony!

On here, with you, I honestly try to be 100% myself but even here there are times when it's just too dark.

I may just side step some of it but eventually it will pour out into a fiction piece and then I can go back to breathing normally and feeling less weight on my shoulders.

That's also where happy music, as I call it, comes into play. It just warms my heart and speaks to me.

Saying...... Continue drifting, cry it out, laugh, smile, whatever you are experiencing in this moment, I will cater to you.

You don't have to be brave or fake feeling anything, you can just allow yourself, to have any emotion you want.

You don't have to please anyone or hide. The truth is, I do as lil as possible and the pain is still building to this unbearable point.

When someone says..... What did you do with your weekend? Why didn't you go out?

I'm forced to say Oh it was a quiet one or I didn't feel inclined to venture out.

My preference would be to admit, I did nothing at all and I had the most blissful experience doing it.

I can't tell everyone the truth and say I'm giving my body and mind a rest from people.

As there would be a million follow up questions that is nobody's business.

Truly that I am at peace, distancing myself away from others. 

I don't feel bored as I'm not propping anyone up or misleading them that I'm fine.

I'm being totally selfish and thinking about my needs and what I need to make me feel I am surviving being ill.