#BlogLife592 - My legs stopped working

Song of the day - Shaggy/Mohombi/Faydee/Costi - I Need Your Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfQUc7iAotU&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=4

I thought what a nice day it was going to end up being, not a disastrous one.

Wow was I wrong. I ended up trimming my hair again a lil, it seemed too long and untidy still.

But I probably went overboard, the back is probably too short and weird looking.

I don't really care because the front looks even sweeter, the end bits have started curling up by themselves and I love it.

I think I rose about 10amish and I felt alright so I thought why not just go to the Indian shop, pick up some veggy pakoras and desserts that only come up at the holidays.

Happy Diwali for anyone celebrating, it's not my holiday but the foods are scrumptious.

Then I thought I will get my brows shaped and then head home, sounds so simple?!

I did not realise the whole of the UK had ground to a halt, the tubes were not running, the buses were severely delayed and traffic was congested, plus add in roadworks and ugh.

I have a feeling that subconsciously when I know I'm heading outdoors, I feel panicky.

I had a whole bout of nausea and it was nonstop until I quickly played the Youtube video and then after a few minutes it stopped.

Then resumed with a vengeance and typical, I finally saw the Foxes boiled sweets and bought it and those hard sweets, settle the tummy.

Could I find it??? Nope. I swear I put it in the fridge or the cupboard and I hunted and that would have really helped.

Anyway eventually my stomach was fine, my hair dried and I used the Christmassy bath soak and it smelled glorious.

I felt so relaxed after that. I decided to go all red so I put reddish and purply eyeshadow on, a red top, blue trousers and my purply booties.

Pink lippy, I will not wear red. Going into town was fine but standing up, waiting for maybe 10 or 20 minutes set it into motion.

I remember I think it was the last bus trip, travelling to Mama's and it was freezing winter, possibly snowy.

The bus was maybe 30 minutes late and I don't think there was anywhere to sit because there was a swarm of people waiting.

And I thought shoot, I really can't last much longer and as soon as I got on the bus, my legs gave way and I dropped to this crouching position and had to hoist myself up.

Then I thought never again.

Anyway by the time I got on the second bus, the first was overcrowded and I felt sick just looking at the amount of people crammed in.

I reached the stop and tried to get up and fell back down on the seat and part of me just wanted to go back home.

But I thought NO, I'm nearly there. Oh good grief. I made it to a standing position and was hanging on to the rail and then the bus started moving.

And I was shouting, screaming at the driver, Please please, stop the bus because I knew, I barely had enough energy left.

And for some reason he wasn't at the official stop so he carried on and then stopped again.

Weird but I was so relieved, I got off and once again my legs were shaking.

I just held onto the wall thinking, how am I going to make this journey???

But because the bus was turning, I couldn't walk to get the pakoras, I did not have it in me.

I thought okay, a shortish walk to the beauty salon, and then I arrived, only to be told, when the place was emptyish again.

Sorry too busy. Arghhhhhhhh FFS!!

Jeez, you know it's the weekend, people aren't working, why the hell would you only have one person doing brows??

Idiots!! I wanted to say, Look it killed me to get here.

She said come back later. I just grunted, thinking, fat chance. That was a wasted journey, no pakoras and no tidy brows.

I ordered some roti and tandoori chicken with a discount and hopefully it's fresh and soft.

I grew up with fresh soft buttery rotis and I still recall the taste and these are just pale imitations.

I still feel jittery and I've worked out why, even though eventually I had a nice deep sleep.

Usually I can keep it together outdoors, nobody usually knows, I'm loaded with pain.

This time I got so panicked I was screaming so the whole bus knew that something was up.

I feel outed as someone vulnerable and in great distress and I keep reliving that moment.

The sheer terror on my face, the desperation to get out, the complete need to hold on to something to prop myself up.

Plus the feeling of helplessness. I was not in control and I lost it.

I couldn't maintain the illusion of pretending I was normal and coping fine.

I had to release the despair for all to see and it's humiliating to be that raw.

Actually it wasn't a voluntary reaction, it was a compulsion that was impossible to fight.

I think I'll feel better when I'm lost in a show or a game or maybe even having shared it with you.

It's just a horrible, horrible feeling when I've spent my life, trying to act tough and not display any weaknesses to others because they make me feel worse.

I know now that as a 45 year old woman, I have a short window where I can be upright.

Maybe like an hour or so but with ways to rest in between. I don't usually have that collapsing legs thing more than once.

It's not a dizziness. I can't even explain it but I never had it before.

It started happening after I was released from hospital and I started with the morning paralysis, where I couldn't move at all.

Then maybe after five or ten minutes, I was able to be mobile again.

When I got to the bus station and sat down. I thought, alright I'm going to be fine now.

But it happened again, I rose and then promptly fell back down again.

I do feel thoroughly rested and my body isn't stiff anymore. What concerns me is deteriorating and one day, not being able to get about independently.

But for now the pain and delicateness are just about tolerable. I can still exist alone without needing anyone near me.

Thank heavens!!