#BlogLife590 - Would you be willing to spend Christmas with an abuser? / Dear Mama..

Song of the day - Faouzia - RIP Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUDq4AOlMc&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Well Mama mia called me back finally and it was a mostly pleasant conversation, until I brought up, who is coming for Christmas??

Then I felt a bit sick because once again she defends the abuser.

I asked because he just left, would he still come down for Christmas and the answer was...

Not what I was expecting. She said that he actually might because the people he usually spends it with, are not talking to him.

Ugh! It does not surprise me. Those two are a menace to society.

She said that she realises, I wouldn't come down and my voice actually cracked when I had to say for the thousandth time, I am petrified.

I had to point out that both of them were clever and I think on the whole, they threatened and were aggressive, when my parents weren't around.

But my folks still knew something was up and did nothing.

Anyway she said, Oh he's really calm and helpful, he has been useful, for the past few years, maybe it's the medications because he's a different person.

That is always a knife in my heart, every time she defends them because it is as though, from my perspective, she wants to pretend and bury, what I went through and still go through.

Sorry NO. I'm not going to let you sweep it under the bloody carpet.

I don't know if she wants to pretend she's a perfect parent or what??!!

But I said, well blurted out that I would rather spend Christmas, alone, safe and happy.

Then I just changed the subject honestly because I didn't want to break down in tears and I feel like, with certain topics, I'm basically talking to myself.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for? Maybe for her to acknowledge, that they were harmful to my fragile being?

That no matter what they do and say, the abuse happened.

The name calling, the persecution, the confidence knocks and the freedom to express myself and have an opinion or feel secure was missing during my whole life.

At home was a dictatorship. I found in the end, I didn't even know what I wanted or what I thought anymore.

I still struggle and become frustrated and angry, trying to do the impossible and still I will not ever ask for assistance.

I will not let people see me weak and fragile and helpless.

I know what happens when they do.. Honestly the older one could be different, maybe he has had a bloody lobotomy??

But deep down I don't think those two are capable of being nice to me.

They look at me and see absolutely no armour. I can try to be brave or tough and I hear that angry tone and I'm just knocked down.

I can't even pretend to be strong and they know this, as they have spent years and years tormenting me, poking fun and looking down on me..

Cutting me off and taking my power away. I also think being forced to mingle with them/him would tell him I have forgiven and forgotten.

I will never give him that satisfaction. I honestly don't think they have any sort of a conscience in the first place but just in case they do.

I will not provide them with inner peace and for the first timers, reading this..

In the past I strove to forgive them both and let go of the bitterness and rage that had built up inside of me.

Everyone says it is better to make peace and move on. I did, again and again and again.

Yet the abuse returned, again and again and again and continues. There is just hate directed at not only me but Mama also.

I feel I have done what I could and now I continue to heal myself and try to not think about them and be productive and a decent person to myself and others.

But whenever I hear their names and the scene is changed, I revert back to my childhood and how trapped I felt and emotionless.

I was just so shut down from everything and everyone. There were so many veiled threats.

At this moment in time because I feel kinda perturbed and frustrated..

I would just relish saying.... 

Dear Mama,

You know what? I know you don't take me seriously.

I know that you dismiss what I went through and like to assume I exaggerate and am holding a grudge to be petty and to seek attention.

But everything I tell you, happened and scarred me for life.

I am honestly afraid of men.

I tried to kill myself and you didn't know because I didn't want to face another day being a member of this family.

Why would I do that? If I was coping?

You know when that first attempt didn't work? I kept on attempting it.

If, like you think, that I wanted the focus on myself only, why did I cover my tracks?

Why didn't I tell you or anyone else?

I am angry with you, that you didn't make it stop, or intervene with any heart to really put an end to it.

I'm furious that you didn't see me sinking. That I was losing it and I was close to the edge.

What hurts me the most is having to relive the anguish, how I felt back then.

I have to force myself to explain to you, why I feel the way I do and why I hate them, over and over and over again.

I don't understand why you expect me to be over a lifetime of abuse?

As though it never happened?

I lose respect for you and some affection, each time you do that.

We both know I will never be this honest with you because I wonder if you would believe me.

Or maybe you would not react at all?

Every time I tried to communicate, I was interrupted or talked over.

Every time I disagreed with them, I was bullied into their whims.

My head started off as bursting with thoughts, ideas, silliness and fun.

You know what it became? Emptiness.

I tiptoed around or stayed in my room. I berated myself to not say anything to make them angry.

They never said, I'll kill you or I will hurt you.

It was always, Really? You'll see what happens to you...

Or Huh, we'll see..

Or If you don't.......... If you dare disagree, I won't be happy.

It wasn't what they said, the words they used. It was what wasn't spoken.

The look of psychotic murder that was barely contained.

That is what I couldn't take, they would one day, strangle me, stab me, punch me, kick me, stamp on my neck etc.

I know you don't think they are capable of it. You think I am just making it up, exaggerating for effect.

Putting it on, to shock you but this was my daily fear, day in, day out.

I began to despise myself. Their behaviour made me think I repelled people.

I came to the conclusion that something inside me was so disgusting that I didn't deserve love, respect and kindness, from a single soul.

(Deep down, my fear is, that it's true and that, I want to, need to shake this feeling and scream they're mistaken but a whole part of me.. Believes the worst).

Do you know what that feels like? To take the blame for other's treatment?

To grow up thinking, from a child to an adult, that I was good for absolutely nothing in life.

That I was too brainless to figure anything out.

I'm your daughter, you're only one and yet, even you....

You didn't see me.

You don't see me.

One memory has always stayed in my mind. I think I was about 4/5years old.

It was a birthday party for the elder one and I know he didn't want me there.

As we hosted it, my parents probably said, she lives here, she's family, she will be there, whether you like or not.

This is the only bit I recall clearly. I was standing in the middle of the room and observing the other kids.

They were running around, laughing, playing and carefree. It struck me that I wasn't like that, I couldn't be like that.

I wanted to make friends and smile and talk but I didn't know how.

I wondered why the other two were popular and had friends when they were horrible human beings?

But me, who always tried to be nice, didn't have any.

During this lil contemplation, I can't remember anything else but I have a strong feeling, the next part happened.

And it was the start of my self-loathing. I think the elder approached me and probably viciously said...

Either.. 

You don't belong here or I don't want you here, or if you join in, the fun stops. Get out!

And I don't think I was teary, upset or shocked really, he has been saying nasty things to me all my life.

I think that I just nodded and let his evil words tear me apart.

As a small delicate lil girl. I thought there is something wrong with me.

It's my fault that people don't like me. I'm a stupid, pathetic nobody, who will never be capable of intelligence or friendliness.

And I didn't know how to tell someone or get help to be different, to be somebody that people wanted to be around.

I have a feeling that I walked into the kitchen and either looked at my Mama or went to my room.

And if my parents were there, they probably encouraged me to go back.

I guess I shook my head but what I wanted to say was..

What's wrong with me? And will anyone ever love me and be happy that I'm with them?

I shed tears for us both because I can't have a close bond with you, due to all of the above.