#BlogLife886 - On display but on my own terms

I'm trying to deal with one issue at a time so I don't go completely barmy.

Stress is still eating away but I just have to face it and do the best I can with the limitations set upon me.

I met a new random yesterday B/G he can't make his mind up on his name and frankly I don't care, I wanted a distraction.

Anyway I felt like I was dangling crumbs to him, I wasn't really invested, didn't take him seriously at first.

My mind was consumed with everything that's going on still, which I can't just blurt out, very few would understand the situation without being judgy, and I don't need that.

But then later on when he kept saying Look, I have to leave soon, let's stay in touch, I was thinking....Hmm..

I don't make that decision on one chat. He didn't ask for my number or messengers, just email and I thought, alright that's different, I can do that, well as always I give them the spare one, the protonmail, not the main yahoo.

He basically delayed leaving for ages and that made me chuckle.

You know what's really funny, when they find out about the blog, they want to read it (to see if they are mentioned, mini fame status pfft).

None of them have ever connected the email to the blog, they just assume it's a cute name, Sleepless Scribbler.

So this random said I'm really impressed that you didn't ask for my photo, it's really off-putting straight away.

And I shrugged and said I don't do picswaps anyway, it's not my thing.

He accepted that and now today it's I want a photo of you. Ha! They all just trick me into thinking they don't want it, when they do.

So even though I'm completely against it, today I think I will do it, but not for him, for myself.

I recall years ago, sending that guy V, an unflattering picture, no makeup, probably greasy unfresh hair, peculiar expression.

And how free I felt, no filters, no softer display, not hours spent, trying to look cute and then still being rejected and feeling bad about my looks.

He loathed it and questioned the un-appealingness of it but I felt empowered enough to think, I know he won't look past it and see the real me and I still have the courage to send it.

So that's what I'm going to do today. Just go bare faced, messy eyebrows that need plucking, no volume on my flat oily hair.

No makeup making my eyes or lips pop. I don't see the point, when I'm getting ghosted or cut loose anyway.

I think most of my clothes are now two sizes too big. On my plus sized frame that isn't flattering at all.

The one thing I am going to do, is wear something fitted, a tshirt maybe because that's the only thing that would truly represent my figure.

Everything else makes me look and feel so huge and for the last few years I have worked damn hard to lose the weight but still there is two stones to go.

I would like for once to be seen and accepted in my present size but it's a long shot.

Rejection hurts but it's not the end of the world. I guess the more I have an earthy frank discussion, the more my confidence flips between high and low.

I can't lie to myself and make out I'm gorgeous and attractive. There is cuteness but there is also a figure that is larger than what men lie and say they want.

It's hard to keep feeling good about yourself, when the overwhelming response is........ You are not fanciable.

Right before I chicken out I'm going to take a break, snap the pictures, review them, write an explanation, send them and return to confirm it.

I wonder what his excuse will be? Ohhhhh.......When you said plus sized I thought you mean't like a size 14/16 not above that.

That's too huge, sorry I just remembered I'm in crisis and need to re-assess my life and who is in it and errr, yea I'll be in touch.

LOL! Did men get together and say Listen lads, saying you're not my type isn't going down well, make the above speech, she'll never ever crack the code, ok guys?!

Every single one of them, makes the exact same awol speech to me, hilarious, word for word, precisely identical.

Ugh I did it and it was difficult to get a good angle. I changed twice and I've always remembered the advice when you're not feeling great about your body, wear pretty lingerie underneath.

No-one sees it, no-one knows but it gives you a lift, far greater than any compliment.

And I admit it does work for me. I had bought a new black lace bra that looks satiny and cute but hadn't worn it, until today.

I still don't feel stunning but I don't feel yucky either and I'm bloated also, which doesn't help.

Now I just have to send them off. Ok, I probably spent about half an hour, picking the right words and now I'm back to cringing.

It's 2.43pm and he did say he was super busy today so I don't expect a response, but at the same I do.

Either I am appealing or I'm not. I don't want to care but I kinda do.

It's confusing taking new photos, on one hand I seem smaller when I wear something snug and then when I put on something baggy, I feel that is the truer image because I'm gigantic.

I have to stop stewing about this as it's nearly 3pm and I haven't eaten all day and just now sipping water, which isn't healthy because I did a similar thing yesterday.

So am I crazy or enlightened for not making the effort? I have no idea actually and I'm not saying do the same.

Always do whatever makes you feel comfortable, I guess there are times though we all have to push ourselves to keep growing and improving.

Anyway I don't know if it was a good thing to do but I do feel braver for doing it.

It's really not easy for me to put myself out there at all for a multitude of reasons.

I'm not looking for a man to tell me I'm beautiful, what I seek is a genuine connection, where my imperfections are celebrated.

For once, not being made to feel I'm frumpy. My hair's too short or that I don't need to be fed because I'm heavy enough..

There is a correlation between not eating today and trying to look semi decent.

But fear not, I've put a chicken slice on to cook and actually I was craving the vegan sausage rolls but I've finished them, boo.

I need to get some more. Oh good grief after all that, the attachment didn't attach.

I checked it and it was there. I did try something called an inline where it just pops up, this time I'll do the attachment version.

I want it over and done with. He was sweet, he did say not to bother as he didn't want me to be uncomfortable but I re-sent it on the phone.

I think I'm trying to tell my brain to pay attention, that I have lost weight, that I do look better and each picture, tells that story.

When I saw a new email before from him, I didn't even want to read it, ha, I am such a chicken.

Oh by the way, he's not a long-termer, he's only a temporary one, so why did I make the effort?

It's for myself, to show that I could do it and that another rejection isn't going to destroy me.

I need to embrace my hard work and feel positive that I'm changing for the better and that it shows and I will try to always validate myself.

I want to post this when he responds so I'm not thinking about it anymore.

And after all of that, what did he reply??

"Received. Panic over. Thanks." Ha, men really are the most insensitive creatures ever.

Whatever..... I think I'll just leave it there. I don't feel the need to get back to him, he didn't like them, obviously.

I wasn't expecting gushing compliments but alright, that's that. I can't help but laugh how women just go over and over things and men just shrug.

It doesn't consume them at all. I'm going to munch and forget it.

Wow, just wow though, four measly words. Ugh!

#BlogLife885 - UC's job is to fuck with my head!

Good lord my head will explode. Why does UC make everything so damn complicated, why so much confusing double talk, good grief.

I do not understand it at all! They responded to my query suggesting I use food banks, wtf!

Also they said me and the landlord have inconsistent amounts, it's the same fucking thing, jesus!

I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. They make me feel like I'm just lying about everything, ugh.

Why can't they talk English?? It feels like I'm conversing with lawyers, nothing is straightforward at all.

I don't even know what the right thing to put is. I wish they would have said Fuck Off! It would have been so much easier.

They are now saying, the rent amount is different, (but they've written the amount I told them). FFS.

I'm sure they do this shit on purpose to avoid covering people's rent, there is no way this is an accident.

I don't understand the issue with the service charge, it's a part of the fucking rent, I still pay for it. 

I hate them so much! Adding to my stress levels! I swear I am going mad.

Every time I try to calculate the rent, to make sure it's the correct amount I get a different number.

I just went ahead and confirmed that the landlord amount is right and mine is wrong, because from my notes, that seems to be the accurate figure.

I will never understand UC, if the landlord themselves are saying I'm charged for the service charge, shouldn't they take that as fact????

I'm glad that I also added a note to say, you thought the rent increase was happening in April but no it's going to happen in October.

I just checked out some job sites the dodo advisor told me to start using, totally useless for one, nothing near my area.

And for two, one is bloody worldwide, what a moron! Honestly and these are the sites he wants me to use???

The ones I have on my favourites list are far superior! Ugh, twits the lot of them!!

At least I've done what I could, it's in their hands now. Although I still feel an idiot.

Anyway I got talking to one of the randoms a few days ago and he seemed alright but for some reason my brain told me to be extra cautious so I didn't give out many details, I usually don't anyway.

He suggested a phone chat so I thought why not? I called on private number and he didn't mind that that much..

Although he kinda grilled me on what I was after and I said just a conversation, I take it chat by individual chat, unless I feel some sort of connection.

So then he said Ohhh this is a one off then and I said not necessarily, I always assess it afterwards and see.

And he was replying No no no, you just want a one off chat and I was thinking if that was the case, I would have said so, ugh.

I got the impression M wanted more, although there were more red flags as he repeatedly said that he was a nice guy..

The genuine, don't advertise they are nice, they let their words and actions speak for themselves.

Moving along, He kept saying, You're so secretive what are you hiding?

And I'm wondering why he doesn't accept that I'm not an open book, I share what I'm comfy with, the rest I won't be bullied into revealing.

And finally the subject of age came up as I don't sound or look my age, but I think a fair bit younger so he asked me to clarify my age, which was fine but then I did the same to him.....

My word he had deducted 10-15 years off. Why do they do that???

I was disappointed in that. If you lie about the basics, what else are you fabricating?

The basic level of trust is gone and he was just laughing about it, saying Oh I don't reveal everything about me until much later.

Instead of admitting fault and being a man, he chose to deflect onto me and say, that's the pot calling the kettle black, aka calling me a hypocrite.

I confronted him and said What did I lie about exactly?? As I haven't I'm just a private person.

Then he came up Oh you won't tell me anything personal, I said Yea I'm reserved but I'm truthful, you flat out lied.

I went completely off chatting to him after that, at least if you're caught out, own up to it and say.....

Well I hide my true age because younger females might feel they can't relate to me and I still feel young at heart, or some garbage, I mean come on...

His profile I'm sure said 40yrs-ish and his true age.....? 54 years old, that's a huge frigging leap!!

If you must and I don't advise it, as trust is hard to come by, shave off a few years not ten+!

The other thing I rolled my eyes out was the constant mention of sex and I was sighing as I said, Yea that's you guys favourite subject and he denied it and kept bringing it up lol.

There are hundreds of other topics to discuss and yet you focus on that??!!

I kinda wanted to hang up on him but that's too rude so I just said Well take care and disconnected because honesty is important to me.

I don't need every aspect of their life, just the gist. Where are they located?

What is their age? What is their gender? What is their relationship status?

It helps if they are somewhat silly and humorous but I can have serious chats too, although not at the moment, I'm too frazzled.

I just got a text to say, they are doing that landlord home inspection survey thingy next week and I'm dreading that, 2 male strangers in my home for an extended period.

I'm literally hoping they visit every room except my bedroom. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack, if that happens.

There's too much on my mind, so I'm just going to file that away until it happens.

I didn't really sleep that much last night and I was up early for the Iceland order of which he came later than expected, I could have had an extra hours rest.

One last thing, an insult to injury from UC, they increased this months amount by £7, what was the point? *eye roll*

I was so consumed with worry and sickness on Tuesday, I forgot my Oyster travel card, I never do that.

This weekend I hope to find a way to unburden myself. If it's on, I'm looking forward to the new episode of Sherlock and Daughter tonight.

#BlogLife884 - Surrounded by idiots

Thank heavens the coding course he referred me into, isn't local or online, it's in person so screw that, I wasn't interested anyhow.

Twit! It's literally annoying me that they are so incompetent they don't see suitable vacancies and assume nothing is available but I do find them, luckily I get rejected though :)

He literally said to me, there isn't any remote/work from home positions and I argued and said Yes there is, I've seen them.

That's why he bullied me into applying for the coding crap course, when I wasn't interested.

Also he said Oh I can refer you to some jobs I've seen but they are in person.

Why the fuck does being long term ill, present such an issue? Like I said, they want me to pretend I'm fine and not in intense physical pain.

Fuckers!!! At least my former advisor understood my limitations, she knew how sick I was, knew I couldn't deal with travelling every day and the physical demands of a work placement.

I go out for an hour or even less and by the time I get home I am shattered, my body has locked up, the pain, the stiffness is spreading and I have zero energy.

What am I, faking for the bloody attention?? In one way, I hope they force me to accept a position and on that first day, I will fall apart completely.

The pain will kill me, I will bawl my eyes out, trying to walk, trying to lift, trying to sit still, trying to stand and I'll beg them to let me go home and quit because I won't be able to function, at all.

In fact I'll be shaking so badly, I'll struggle to get to the bus stop and get myself home.

But I have to pretend I'm okay, all the flipping time, because I'm never taken seriously as a sick, disabled person with limitations.

Ooh those chocolates I bought are fancy. It's not like ferreros, it's truffles with this crispy crunchy inside, pretty nice and of course hazelnuts, so will bring some for Mama and her friend next week.

I'm so tired but have washed off the makeup and got the blankie, so that helps. 

Plus I shoved the food in the fridge, I wasn't up to eating a lot. The cashier was asking me about the lemon cake if I've tried it, but I haven't, it was £3.

It does look similar to the chocolate iced coffee cake one and that was sublime.

Unfortunately as I've said, I don't have the munchies so maybe tomorrow when I feel calmer.

I'm just going to message the UC idiot again and get it over and done with, there's no way he can claim not to receive this message.

FFS! I did it, wrote it on email and copied and pasted it and it did deliver as I saw it on my timeline.

I'm sure they'll say it's not our concern, just because each month your £200/£300 over budget, use up your damn savings then come crying to us.

Anyway, the cake is similar to the coffee one, lovely soft sponge and thick tasty icing which isn't too sweet just very tasty.

The stress is getting too much so I'm escaping in my head pretending everything is hunky dory and that I'm in a relationship where I'm supported and looked after and I don't have the same burdens as I do now.

It's way easier to live in la la land. I have leftovers for breakfast actually it's lunchtime now.

My body needed the rest so that's good.

#BlogLife883 - In the quest for healing..

Does it mean you forget everything that happened like it didn't exist?

Does it mean it's not as powerful? Does it mean everything returns to normal, as though you're suddenly sane again?

In my case, no. I'd like to stop being afraid. I would like to open up and I would like to be akin to others, without hangups and conditions and pauses.

It's stops me from writing, I know it does. I want too but I can't. It just feels like trashy fictiony lies, that's not how real life works.

He doesn't say sweet things, he doesn't care about your needs and he doesn't treat you, the way he should.

But in an ideal made up world, he actually does all of the above.

Ugh it's not been a good day. I've come to the realisation, I have to deplete my savings as fast as possible in order to survive.

UC is stressing me out, depressing me and I can barely function with this hanging over me.

I felt like I wanted to vomit, was struggling to breathe today. I couldn't even play the happy music, because I kept switching to anti nausea videos.

I kept having to stop getting ready and sit down and try to calm myself down.

I just had the UC appointment and I feel bullied and hopeless, he suggested I get into coding, wtf and I'm not in any way interested in that.

But he's sending me links to God knows what. Then he said he didn't receive my payment issue message so I have to start again with that.

But he seems adamant that UC isn't responsible for paying the bloody service charge, bins/cleaners/hallway lighting, etc..

So I literally blurted out trying to hold back the tears that I worry I'm going to be homeless if this continues.

He said I should seek out a Doctor for a sick note, Oh sod off. I've been trying to be diagnosed for what 20yrs???

And it amounts to sod all except making me relive it and letting the depression take over my senses and then being dismissed without support or referrals.

I will send him another message that I'll draft and copy and paste with every flipping monthly expense and then what they are paying me and they can draw their own bloody conclusions on where the money is to buy food and pay the bills, when there isn't sufficient funds.

I did intend to stop buying takeout, but the sooner the savings deplete, is when I feel like they will pay the correct amount.

It's a horror show. I'm scared for my well being, my sanity and not having a home to feel safe in anymore.

I can't shake the feeling I'm going to be living on the streets soon.

I don't know what's going to happen, I really don't. My health is worsening and things continue to stress me out.

How is this a normal life, when I'm forced to pretend I'm physically capable??

Something will push me over the edge, they send me on a course and my body will snap and never recover.....

I wish there was someone in my corner. I wish the only thing I had to worry about was what to write in BlogLife.

The good thing about it raining is that, if I find the energy, I can unpack and switch on blankie.

I did intend to visit Tescos the mini supermarket but I felt too sicky.

I have limited functionality so instead got to the bank and that's done.

I still need to do my eyebrow shape, the pedicure with Mama and her bestie isn't until next week, which is better because I still feel rough.

Half the time, I'm switching between the anti nausea and the cramps videos.

I got some half price pizza but not a huge appetite, I'm just munching to help settle my tum.

Plus I got some sprite, that also helped control the nausea. Then I saw an iced lemon cake and something that looks like knock off ferreros again.

I'm going to try to relax a bit now that I've unburdened myself. Life is just pretty horrid at the moment.

I don't even fancy dessert, that's how wound up I am. I would like to switch off and doze but I'm too wired and drowsiness won't come.

I need escapism, maybe I'll write some fiction but on the other hand, I've gone back to feeling sicky.....

#BlogLife882 - It's not how you look but how you feel..

That's not bad, the Iceland shop just arrived and I unpacked it and thought I would make an early breakfast but actually I don't feel hungry as of yet, so I grabbed some hula hoops instead ha.

I had an Android update for my A16 Samsung but no version 15 yet but apparently soon.

I enjoyed the salmon pasta from Zoom so much that I bought some more, this said lightly smoked but is the real version of salmon, the fillet variety, I hate the thin stuff, yuck.

I don't know what I'll do with it, probably add it to some sandwiches as I have half a loaf of bread left and not sure what to pair with it.

I got into yet another new show Code of Silence about a deaf woman who reads lips and ends up helping the cops but she get's over involved.

I know I shouldn't compare it to Sight Unseen as she is an actual detective who is blind but I can't help it as the main character in Code of Silence is so much more likeable ha.

Ugh this weekend is up and down because I have so much breast pain and cramps and nausea.

I think I will get another period soon, it's the only thing that explains it. I feel icky.

Ugh Twitter is acting up, it's not loading properly so I will leave it for a while but I was just wondering about something.

I'm a very ordinary person, the opposite to a celebrity but how do you feel when the lead people starring in a show or movie, like your tweets?

It's only happened to me twice and I go to their profile assuming it's a doppelganger fan page but it wasn't.

I'm chuffed but the cynical side of me thinks it's probably just their assistant reading out tweets they were mentioned in and not them personally acknowledging it.

My first instinct is to thank them and then I feel like I would be bothering them, I mean who am? A mediocre person.

I just find it entertaining to talk about films or tv shows because it generally relaxes me. It's escapism from real life heartaches.

By the way I've finished Code of Silence and highly recommend it, it wasn't too predictable, lots of action and giggles.

It's not often you see people with disabilities in the main role. In one sense it's don't underestimate us and in another sense it's could/should I be doing more?

Then the guilt washes over me and the pain rears it's ugly head. I feel useless most of the time anyway.

I guess in my case, people assume I'm faking or exaggerating the symptoms and I only I know the truth about my daily struggles.

The physical and mental toll. The inner peace I get from distancing myself away from others.

Talking of which I stayed away from chat for a few weeks while I was recuperating but last night it was too early to sleep so I popped on looking for one person JR.

And actually the first thing he said made me laugh instantly. Omg, you're alive? Ha, he is such a ham!!

So we had a mini update and then he had an early night so excused himself, I was glad because I was tired too.

He's a fly by night, not interested in a deeper connection, hasn't asked for email or a number, which tells me he's probably not as single as he makes out.

He is after all a J and those are dubious, every one of those, ha! But until I know for sure, we'll keep chatting.

#BlgLif881 - Feministas how do you groom facial hair?

Song of the day - Looney Tunes Show Soundtrack - Moostache

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l99fBgyHQc

I wasn't sure I was going to post today. I was feeling emotionally yucky and wasn't in the mood until now.

No body pain today, so that's different, aside from a headache coming and going.

The other tooth came out today and because there is a gap, I feel self conscious.

I still don't know if it's worth looking for a dentist, as the other thing would be sitting in that rough decliner chair and my bones would be screaming after 10/15 minutes and what if it's an hour appointment?

I'm not sure I could physically cope with that. I would have no composure at all, plus what if it triggered an intense panic attack because of the pain?

I have all these thoughts in my head to consider before I do it because whatever happens, it's going to be really uncomfortable.

Anyway I decided to forget about that for the moment and do some grooming, which I usually leave until the weekends but I found it relaxing.

I epilated my legs which was easy, practically half legs, because as I've said, there's barely any regrowth as I've been epilating since I was a teenager or maybe early 20's.

And they did mention it's supposed to be a long-term permanent removal thingy, which I was sceptical about.

But a hell of a lot cheaper than electrolysis or laser. Now I don't usually talk about this because it's embarrassing.

We're females, we're not supposed to have facial hair but some of us do.

Mine's pretty aggressive over the lip, chin, neck area so I personally hate it and get rid of it, maybe weekly.

What do you do with yours? Some women ignore it, some bleach it to match their skin tone..

Others wax it off, maybe some thread it. There are no wrong or right answers, it's your body, do as you feel like.

For me I've typically just epilated and plucked it using tweezers, as the epilator struggles with fine tiny hairs.

I was hoping by epilating it would reduce or stop it and I feel like the opposite, there is more and more ugh!

Mine is noticeable, dark black hair, on a caramel skin tone so it shows up.

I don't know how visible it is with foundation on, as sometimes there is no time and I've forgotten to do it, so I hope it isn't highlighted on my face to the outside world.

But I feel better having tidied it up and gone back to being smooth.

Next week it might be the pedicures, massages and eyebrow shape, as I feel much healthier now.

I have to moisturise my legs as it won't stop itching after the epilator usage, I hate that.

Oh that was it, I binge watched the first season maybe of Pulse, I haven't checked if that was the last episode..

But it was like ughhhh really? That was the climax? It was interesting but they built it up and the revelation was a complete letdown.

I feel like they used the wrong term in sexual harassment, it should have been something else.

But even then, she's a grown woman that willingly went into a relationship with her superior.

He didn't force her, he didn't blackmail her, he wasn't sleazy. It was all above board.

It is sketchy him being more powerful and knowledgeable but again, he didn't say, date me or I'll flunk you.

She was flirting back as much as he was. That just annoyed me that she complained about him falsely and wasn't held accountable for trying to destroy his career.

Even if at some point she felt exploited, she could have turned around and said, I want to stop this relationship, because they were dating for a year.

I had no sympathy for her, she vexed me. Weirdly enough I didn't mind them re-uniting but she should have apologised to him for what she did, it just felt so wrong.

#BlogLife880 - All over the place

Song of the day - Dave Hollister - Yo Baby's Daddy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCq6CRf8Ygg

Apologies I know it's another late post but I had a late night and late morning and busy day, so here I am, with thoughts scattered around.

Song of the day is back because as I was getting up this morning, I had the playlist going and it reminded of of when I was younger.

That's when I used to have the answering machine on, for my mobile, but instead of an outgoing generic message, I would play a snippet of a song, so whichever guy I was avoiding that was plaguing me with calls, would constantly hear it.

And it made me laugh because these songs had such cutting vocals at times, much better than I could articulate back then.

Anyway I tried out the Marks cheesy ravioli, it had too much tomatoey sauce and weirdly not enough cheese inside, it was nice pasta but again needed more seasoning and more cheese.

Odd that Mark's meals are very hit and miss for the price. Two newish shows maybe, I'm not sure of the release date.

One was called The Royals and luckily the english subtitles for this indian show were spectacular for once.

It's about this CEO Sophia who takes on a project to build and market a hotel centred around this Royal family.

Her love interest is Aviraaj/Fizzy, an irresponsible playboy Royal.

I wanted to like both or either of them but I really didn't. The lead Sophia just seems usery/manipulative.

I feel like the show wants us to feel sorry for her, or root for her success but as I continued watching, I couldn't care less.

It was the whole personality, the friction between the leads a quick hookup and then saying You're not my type I don't like you and expecting him to tolerate that and what?

Beg for a chance? Pfft. Then flirting with her ex who was convenient for an ego boost but at the same time throwing it in his face, he was jealous of her.

Yuckity yuck, I was rooting for him to leave her asap and he was headhunted away, thankfully, she stopped being able to use him and he grew tired of her bs.

The lead himself was troubled but he was push/pulling her away also, and I know that's typical standard fashion but only if the characters are likeable, which I didn't find they were.

Enough of that, onto the next one Pulse. I got happy as soon as I saw Justina Machado was starring in it.

It's about these young group of Doctors navigating through life and work.

One the lead, Danny/Danielle, is promoted after accusing her former mentor/boss (Xander) of sexual harassment.

She seems to have trouble coping with stress and confidence and experiences panic attacks regularly.

But as the story unfolds, I find it weird because both her and the love interest are flirting and dating and getting along mostly.

It all seems consensual, then she's changing in front of him and agrees to working along side of him without flinching???

It just seems like she's playing games or sabotaging his career on purpose.

I know it's just fiction but if she is lying I hope she get's reprimanded for it, that hits close to home to me as I've experienced a lot of harassment and it's not joke.

It is entertaining apart from that sordidness, although not keen on the gory bits.

#BlogLife879 - Am I cured?

I feel even better today, my throat hasn't been bothering me much at all. I've been sleeping quite deeply but waking up in a sweat at times, so I think I'm back to having nightmares.

I don't know what they are about, as soon as I partially awake, I have no memory.

I'm glad I bought the orange juice, it helped with the throat and the monthly, it all seems manageable now, especially with sprinkling essential oils on my pillow.

Of course the binaural beats youtube videos played their part too, eventually. A slower natural cure, if you like.

I finally remembered to do the feedback for the mask, actually I'm starting to quite like it.

The black marks are faintly there but much less prominent than before and overall, my face is smooth and clear.

I also have to mention that I don't feel that excessive bloatiness for once. I normally suffer quite badly with that.

I m trying my best to drink lots of water, even though I failed today, late start but I needed the rest, so that's acceptable.

I also just contacted Iceland about the missing snack so they should refund this week. 

It's only a pound but I don't like paying for something I haven't received or bad service.

I just did the oil scalp massage and my hair is all clean but flat ha.

I don't recall the last time I did it so at least it's done and I'm not heading out so no-one will see I have no volume today.

I also did the protein tablets so my eyes are less irritated wearing the contact lens.

I did a mini Zoom shop too, unfortunately they were sold out of the sushi and sandwiches so I had to do my own version.

I bought the salmon veggy pasta, removed the salmon and added some egg and that was delicious.

I don't think I've put fish and egg together before, great combination.

I also saw a bag of Pagen cinnamon rolls, 12 inside for £2.20. I was expecting it to be a lil sugary, and have an overwhelming taste of cinnamon.

It's more like a diet snack, very disappointing. There is barely any sweetness and hardly any sense of cinnamon.

If I had known it would lack flavour, I wouldn't have bought it. It's soft enough but not mushy, a good individual size for each piece but come on, stop being stingy with the calories and taste sensations!!

I just cooked the Ranna pan fried gnocchi, £2.75 for a 300g bag, they are small so there is quite a lot inside.

I cooked for about 3 minutes but it needed one extra, some are soft and some are a lil tough.

I liked the idea of these ever since Mama bought some and fried it up with corned beef and onions and it was sublime.

These ones don't have much taste at all, I mean they had various cheese, pumpkin (fancy), and veggies ones but I wanted something simple.

Just plain potato dumplings for me but when I tried them to see if they were done, it's just too plain ha, lacking any seasoning.

So what I did was add some garlic and herb dip and some Philadelphia cheese and it's perfect.

I just wanted a lil snack really, after my sandwich and that hit the spot, for something different.

As usual just when I assume the throat is fixed, it's starts burning again, I'm all stocked up on lollies and it's so soothing.

Oh Ps, I know the dumplings are designed to be accompanied with a main dish to balance the flavours but they would have still been bland.

And I don't have a huge appetite at present so it's best I don't over-eat.

#BlogLife878 - It still burns

It's funny, I woke up feeling a lot better, almost cured and now I've gone back to being delicate, throat still tender, ears now sensitive.

There's no mouth pain though. I've been gargling with salt water, listening to various binaural beats videos, sometimes it doesn't seem like it's helping, but maybe it is?

The essential oils are due soon, usually around lunchtime, but our Postie is very relaxed so they come at any time they feel like it, up to 5pm..

Mama has a theory that certain places they don't deliver to daily anymore, as she in her retirement complex she mainly gets post on Friday's which is shocking service.

But it's true because we no longer get daily post either, not counting the special deliveries which are tracked so they have to be on time.

Ahh he turned up just before 3pm ha and I finally remembered to ask for the regular caps, not the child proof and she delivered so it will be much easier to open, as I still can't get the lemon one to unscrew ugh.

Iceland finally had the chicken sandwich filler without pork or sweetcorn, I saw the tikka version and it's really nice mild and creamy.

I got some orange juice too. I think the subliminals helped my monthly as it seems way lighter now, no cramps or sickiness.

Just this burning throat off and on. I booked extra early the 8amish one so I was up 7ish and it's a good job as they were running late.

If I had done the 12pmish slot, which was the earliest, I would have been starving all morning.

They didn't show up until just before 10am and even then knocked and left.

Oh I just realised I didn't get the peanut bar chocolate thingy for a £1.

I have to double check, but I knew I would have ordered more snacks than one thing.

Might be doing the brows and pedicure at the end of the month unless I still feel under the weather, then I will cancel and make it April instead.

#BlogLife877 - What's good for you, doesn't necessarily suit me..

My face has turned into a strawberry, as usual I bought some new things to try, shake things up a bit.

However I should have paid closer attention to the packaging. I thought nacho cheese pasta sounded interesting.

It is tasty, nicely seasoned, however I didn't realise they dumped a whole load of pepper in there, Oh my, my face is on fire.

Why did you do that to me Iceland? I thought we were friends? What would have gone perfectly now, is the milk lollies, but noooo, you were sold out of those :(

I also decided to try Regal puff pastry finger biscuits. I thought these looked more on the cakey side or at least a soft chewy biscuit.

It's so light, it's like eating air, not keen on those, sweet enough, not overly so but lil bit tasteless and dry.

Good job it's a cold day, I did need to warm up. Holy moly, I'm scared to eat more, it is really good though..

(The pasta, not the biscuits). I don't know if I've tried these before but I want a small snack so it was finally in stock.

Crown Farms chicken kebabs, I don't know if they are spicy or seasoned nicely.

They're not bad actually mild spice, bit dry, definitely needs a dip with it but plenty in the bag.

We used to get some from the local butcher and nothing has rivalled those, lil spicy, very tasty, extremely expensive but it was a huge size.

I think it was £5, ouchy. These were £4 plus I got TGI Friday's wings, I didn't realise it came with sauce that is frozen solid so I won't be trying that.

The wings are alright, nothing special, I wouldn't recommend those, takes ages to cook.

On to the Naked Thai style chilli chicken version, smells better than the rest.

And has the least amount of impression, it's fine, just no spice and very weak, I don't recommend as I put less water in and it still doesn't taste of much.

I still feel lousy. It's funny I was talking to Mama and she said she constantly feels like she has a headache and now that's how I am, my head is pounding constantly.

She was telling me about her trip to West London as she won an afternoon tea for 2 at some posh hotel, I forget the name.

She did ask me if I fancied it, but trekking all that way, is too much for me, buses, tubes, train, or maybe just train, I'm not sure.

Anyway, I was hoping they would be treated like royalty, completely made a fuss over and over fed.

Now comes the reality. I think it was one tiny sandwich, probably one drink, the waiter buggered off for an hour, didn't bother to check in on them, ask if they needed any top ups or extras.

Then it was maybe a scone or mini cakes and it was just so basic and extremely horrid service.

I'm sure she travelled an hour and probably trekked a bit, so I was disappointed for her and afterwards they joked, they should get McDonald's or something to tide them over as they were starving afterwards.

It should have been a lavish experience and if that was me, I would have gotten in touch with the Promoter and said....

Thanks for my competition win but as an elderly person without a car, it was a long taxing journey and although I was looking forward to it.

A glamorous hotel, a posh area, we were treated shoddily. Barely fed and the customer service ignored us.

We were so famished and exhausted after that, we picked up a cheap and cheerful takeaway that cost a couple quid, but was a vastly superior extravaganza of an experience.

What a waste of travel fare and our precious time! In reality, she came home and cooked herself a meal and was happy to at least have caught up with her bestie, who she hadn't seen in a while.

I don't think she will complain, normally we just accept bad service, confrontations are hard.

And half the time, maybe more than that, we as women, face offensive men, that happily talk down nastily, no matter what we say.

Instead of apologising and rectifying it, immediately. If a man confronts another man, however, it is a whole different attitude.

They can't fix it fast enough. I've had mixed altercations really. I pick my battles.

Somebody laughing in your face though, does tend to humiliate you.

I'm hoping this bug or whatever it is, from the weekend fades fast.

One more thing while I'm on this thread. As another tooth is wobbling and will come out soon I hope.

I realised years later why I have an aversion to dentists as well as doctors.

I know it was because he said I had no choice, I had to put up with the students observing all of my treatments.

Which is, as I've said wrong, they should get the patient's permission, each time.

It is because when I'm laying there in the chair, feeling my vulnerablist, in loads of pain, blood leaking out, drool dribbling, wincing from the procedure.

I feel like I'm on display, strapped down, being pointed and laughed at and there's nowhere to escape from.

This has never been the case but that's how it always felt to me, an intense atmosphere and that sense of being confined against my will and ridiculed.

I had too much of that at home, that's why I made so many excuses to myself to avoid the dentist.

There was no way I was willingly walking into another traumatising situation.

It probably sounds a bit exaggerated but the mind has a way of protecting us from perceived dangers and because I have faced so many, mine is overly cautious and always suspicious.

#BlogLife876 - How many days a week do you put on a mask?

It's Thursday night and I'm waiting for my phone to charge so I can continue playing the glitchy Looney Tunes event, ugh running an hour late, tsk.

Anyway as the #6 mud mask came, is that really the name? How odd. 

I couldn't wait and just applied it now. Just a generic sweet scent which I don't mind, it's better than unscented.

I was surprised at how gloopy it was. I shook it up, squeezed it out, it's white and came out like a moisturiser, a thin one.

It was easy enough to apply and now a few minutes later it's starting to harden, so that's good.

It's just looks as though I've gone very pale ha, not the bright white it started off as being.

I've got to squint and see what the instructions say. Although I mostly wing it and rinse it quickly, other times I completely forget and it's thirty minutes later..

Nope too tiny. That's odd it doesn't say how long to leave it on for, maybe a short amount.

My skin is a lil dry and has a few breakouts so I thought I would apply it but typically it's more a weekend thing.

Although I just realised, maybe I should spacing it out between days and not doing it consecutively..

There is more indulgent time at the weekends though. I do prefer doing it then.

I know you're supposed use a cleanser before but I'm going to use one after, as I find the mask doesn't tend to wash off properly and bits remain on my face, even though I feel like it's all gone.

It doesn't feel super tight, it's not uncomfortable. I can't detect a lingering fragrance.

I'm definitely not a beauty expert but I have been experimenting for a long time with my combination skin and I know what my face responds too and what it doesn't like.

It was mostly easy to was off, my skin doesn't feel stripped afterwards just soft and glowy.

I like it because you can get away with using a small amount and it still covers your face.

I've used it a couple times now and looking in the mirror, all the blemishes I had are gone.

My face looks smooth and clear, I think even the black acne marks are gone.

The fragrance such as it is, is off and on, sometimes it's present, other times nothing.

#BlogLife875 - Still Naked?

I'm feeling strangely extra peckish so added the water and heated up the Kabuto chicken ramen noodle thingy.

I did it for about 7 or 8 minutes, most of the water has gone, there wasn't a sauce packet, it didn't smell great when I first pulled the lid off.

That almost put me off but afterwards it smells maybe oniony? It looks good.

I think it's got veggies inside, I tried to taste it but burned my mouth off so will leave it for a bit.

The flavour I did get seemed mild but intriguing. Alright it's cooled down.

Hmm, I think that's the first time I've had sweet and peppery. It's not sugary, just doesn't have that strong savoury taste I was expecting.

Not over spiced just a bit of a kick. I don't know what I was expecting.

This reminds me more of a thin chow mein, than an instant noodle.

I might get it again, it's not bland at all. The sweet side of it, is not my preference though. Everything has arrived now.

I just got the face mask and the seller was so incredibly sweet, not only did they put a note to not leave with neighbours, as that was removed from the address line.

They also gave me some complimentary earrings. I'm touched by that.

I went to thank them for the honesty and kindness and they were so gracious.

Whatever I think about the mask, they are going to get a gushing review and feedback on the customer service bit at least.

As for the jewellery I don't wear it due to allergies around my ears and the fact my hands are super delicate.

I loved wearing rings mostly, I liked the idea of bracelets, bangles and necklaces, I'm not sure they suited me though..

I'll see if one of Mama's friends or their kids would like it.

Now I'm trying Naked Asian style chicken ramen soup, in the lil sachet.

I hope this is more not overly salted but less sweet tasting. It's lots of mini noodles, no sauce sachet, it's all premixed and seasoned I assume.

There's also a Naked Thai style chilli ramen one to try at some point, might as well see which ones I will prefer.

Again not the greatest smell before heating it up. That was funny, I put way too much water and it came out soupy.

But actually I quite liked it, as I was feeling chilly. It's my favourite one so far.

No sweetness, bit peppery, not too salty as I watered it down, happy accident.

Very tasty and I just realised I'm not tasting chicken, it's just flavourful soup, with maybe carrots, I enjoyed it though and would recommend it.

I have been poorly all weekend and not feeling any better today.

Just headachey, had a sore throat and my mouth feels sensitive or the gums do.

Binaural beats didn't really work and just started my monthly so having trouble sleeping.

I just had the UC phone appointment, they were running late as usual and I wanted to ask if he got my note about the rent.

But it wasn't him, it was this horrid woman so I didn't want to ask her anything extra.

I hate when they accuse you of lying but they are the ones that instigate it.

She asked me about the course and I said it wasn't suitable as it wasn't local and she said, Oh how wasn't it?

There are branches everywhere so I said I followed the link and it said it wasn't in my area, so she said Oh you must have looked at the wrong one, look closer next time.

Ffs, I was sent the link you tit! It was you lot that didn't check the area, so that just stressed me out more.

The next appointment is in person and I really hope he's back by then.

I'm going to have to call up and speak to someone about the rent and how I'm not paying it partially plus there is no allocation towards groceries.

I have to call as soon as they open at probably 9am though, I don't feel like waiting half an hour or more on the line.