#BlogLife1093 - Late night confessions - LetterLife6

I was getting ready for bed, feeling empty as usual and willing myself to get up and pack everything away..

When this post tumbled out of me, It seemed to expand and after I finished this long thought..

I didn't really want to write it. I didn't race to open the blog while it was still fresh, it just kinda sat with me and then I fell asleep.

When you don't think about it or forget or hope you've dealt with it, it just seems closed....

But then you relax and let your guard down and there it is, taunting you.

I don't really remember it, it was just huh, yea that happened and that and this....... bitterness or an anger twinge remained.

The title flashes in my head....

Dear Guilty,

What if I turned the tables on you? What if I hunted you? Preyed upon you?

Made you lose your voice, your confidence, your feeling of safety or of peace?

What if I took away your hope of happiness and trust and the fairytale of happily ever after?

No matter how many times I talk about this, it doesn't go away, it doesn't help.

What is the point? It should just stay in my head where it belongs....

But No, it's loudly insisting it be let out and acknowledged, once again.

Maybe there is no such thing as closure? 

I just thought I would snap out of it, one day.. But the more I share or unearth it, the more I want to retreat further away from the world.

I am either perpetually ignored, silenced or talked over. Yes I am used to the fact, it will always be like this.

People come and go, randoms, acquaintances, all of them. I don't need them but it also can't be healthy either, to be this alone?

As a side note, I made a cheese and a salmon sandwich that was heavenly, well toastie really.

It just needed cucumbers and probably olives, but those are too premium for me to get..

Mama and me are probably doing pedicures next week, I told her I'm not sure if I can visit her, the UC appointments are haywire, which is the truth...

The other reason I'm pausing is that, she makes me feel invisible, like no matter what I say or do, it's just not interesting or important enough..

And I'm over that feeling now, it's been a lifelong thing and it's tiresome.

I guess my overall point is....  I am sick to death of feeling I have to prove myself to others, men, female acquaintances, family...

That what I feel is real, that I am happy alone because there are too many self absorbed people to be there for other human beings..

And I don't want to beg for attention. I serve my own needs. I will continue volunteering and standing up for the vulnerable.

Stepping back to take care of myself, when I need too and pushing myself to be more chatty, when I'm too much in my head.

But as for sacrificing my personality and values, to please others?

Hell no!

Honestly, how do people get over being assaulted and not being able to function in relationships and being bullied to the point where.....

Nothing and nobody is worth it?

*Shrugs*

-SS-