Christmas heart to heart

I can't recall the last time I had such a peaceful, dramaless holiday. 

Last month it turned out to be just me and mum for Christmas and it hasn't been just us for years. 

No arguments, no fear, no walking on eggshells. Sheer relaxation and contentment.

The other two were out of the picture and I'm sorry but I was just relieved. 

It was so down to earth and homey. We just let the festive playlists run and we sang along, watched every cutesy Christmas themed film we could and talked.

I decompressed and confronted my many fears about writing, expectations and confidence and my mum towards the end of the trip, once again apologised to me for expecting me to be the perfect daughter. 

It was too hard to hear and I mean't it when I said, there was no need. 

I omitted the part where I deduced that the reason she picked on me, was that I was defenceless. 

The boys were frighteningly aggressive and confrontational and I was completely destroyed and hollow as a person. 

The reason I decided not to give my opinion was because she kept blaming herself for being a bad parent but the only mistakes she made was the lack of discipline and consequences that weren't enforced. 

Every time my siblings did something horrendous she took the blame and covered it up. 

They never took any responsibility and learn't they could intimidate anyone in the house to get what they wanted without fear of reprisals. 

They are grownups who bully inside the home but outside are respectful and courteous.

I had no ego. I was empty and a shell of a person. A very easy target to my parents jabs. 

They had the idea they were motivating me to be better but when you are completely bare and emotionally beaten. There is no step ladder to success.

My writing, being able to finally express myself and share a piece of me, saved my life.