Self destruct mode (fiction)

I need to escape from you. You're all I think about but you are not healthy. 

You don't make me feel good or safe or warm. I'm leaving you behind and there is nothing you can do or say about it.

I've heard it all before. Sweet little promises. It will be better this time. Things will be different. I just have to stay positive and believe. 

NO! I don't trust you anymore. You're making me ill. I can't make the effort to please you. I can't compromise.

I've settled for your lies once too often. You keep pulling me back with intriguing words but it all amounts to the same. 

Nothing ever improves. I wanted so badly to see it through.

I wanted to have a successful relationship with you. I tried my best to work with you and let you in but you are a block of ice. A cold shoulder. An unapproachable wall that I can't reach.

Friends and family say I should try harder and find a way to get through to you but I've reached my limit. 

Don't touch my arm. Don't say soothing empty words. Don't smile. Don't look at me like that. I hate you.

I shrug your hand off my arm and glare at every trinket you've ever bought me. 

I stomp to the kitchen grabbing a refuse sack and sweep my hand across the mantlepiece. I shove everything into the bag.

The picture of us. The princess cut birthstone ring. The letters and notes I wanted to preserve forever. 

I slap away your octopus arms and shove you aside. Not this time. I will not relent and forgive you for causing me this heartache and emptiness.

I always thought our home was spacious but now it feels stifling. 

This time you creep up behind me and snake your arms around my waist and for one brief moment. I give in. I crave your touch, your comfort, your heat.

I don't want to be alone. I sigh and lean back on you as your arms tighten and I feel safe again. 

You still don't say a word but you don't twirl me around to face you either.

Are you afraid of what my eyes will reveal?

I snap back to reality and realise you are unworthy of my affection and time. 

I wrestle your arms away with difficulty, panting with the exertion and open the cupboard door. 

The dinner set we lovingly bought together mocks me. I reach for the plates and smash them on the floor, pieces of porcelain flying everywhere. 

I turn my face away quickly as you begin screaming and trying to shake sense into me.

I disentangle from you and reach for the cups. You pull them away but I tug aggressively and then let go and they drop at high speed on the floor. 

I lean my back against the cupboards trying to catch my breath.

This time I avoid your gaze. You move towards me and I turn my face away, so you abruptly stop. 

I march past you but again you grab my arm. Why does my breath halt when you do that?

Time stops and I want to crumple in your big strong arms. Why can't you meet my needs? 

Why have you created this distance between us? Why do you whisper words of love when you lay next to me, cradling me in your embrace?

Why did you fall out of love? You loosen the grip on my arm just as I yank it clear and go upstairs to our bedroom. I stop at the hallway, remembering how you carried me inside. 

The way you looked at me. There was so much emotion on your face. All that is gone without any trace of it ever being there.

I wrench the drawers open and then grab my set of our matching luggage and start filling it with clothes. 

I hear your footsteps approaching and I rush to close the door but you slam it open.

I bite my lip and search your face. I see anger, confusion, hurt and stubborness. 

Your eyes widen as you spot my suitcase half filled. You grab my hand firmly but not tightly and sit me on the bed on to your lap.

I sit rigidly while you place my arms around your neck and pull me closer. 

I listen to your heartbeat and my voice breaks when you say my name. It is a final plea. A cry. A wish for me to stay.

The tears trickle down and wet your shirt. No more makeups and breakups. This really is the end.

Our eyes lock one last time and without speaking I unmask my feelings and let you see what I have become. 

An insecure hollowed out person. I get up and let the distance return between us.

I grab the suitcase and without turning around I confess "I wanted to stay but.. 

..Now I have to say goodbye and know that I'm finally free of you and you caused this. You are at fault."

I walk out the door and my shadow fades away. I was never really here and neither were you.