Fancy an m&m? (fiction)

Don't be a silly goose. Of course that doesn't stand for confectionery. I am referring to a hand/arm massage and a manicure.

Everybody knows that! 

However if that is what your heart truly desires, then so be it. 

Hmm..? Suddenly not so keen on the choccies? 

Oh don't stop there, my dear. Keep the compliments *cough* *grovelling* *cough* going.

Uh huh and? Really?

I never knew you thought that highly of me.

List my ten highest qualities!

*Roaring with laughter* S-stop. Se-riously. Heavens above. I was only messing with you. 

There was no need to actually sing my praises but appreciated all the same oh gullible one ;)

Wraps a heating blanket over your shoulders and dims the lights. 

Just for a lark, I shake an empty peanut butter jar that I've written *tips* on. 

No. We do not accept smiles as gratuity! What kind of mock salon do you think I'm pretend running here? Cheapskate! Hmpff!

I slide your rings off your fingers and drop them into the tip jar. Stating I may or may not return these afterwards.

I slide a heated pink bamboo towel under your hands and carefully inspect them. Tutting and shaking my head disapprovingly.

Why are they in such disarray? I even gave you a manicure set for your birthday this year. 

Pardon? Oops oh yea. I forgot your birthday and avoided you for a fortnight afterwards. 

Well.. Er.. I was in a crisis. Someone had the audacity to eat my last rolo!

Care to pick a colour? 

Um don't you think that is a bit tacky?

Calm down it was only an observation. Don't blame me if you get solicited!

Sighing I cast the nail polish aside and place your unkempt hands in the slightly cooled hot water glass bowl filled with rose petals and soaked in a grapeseed carrier oil mixed with rose and citrus essential oils.

I unroll the manicure kit like a badass. Picking out all the handy tools I'll be using. 

I pluck your hands from the bowl and place them on the towel, wiping them with a large red bamboo flannel.

Next I pick up the lemongrass nail polish remover and the fluffiest cotton pads I could find and rub along your fingernails until you look presentable again.

You really should moisturise. Your hands feel butch. 

I lift your left hand and place it in mine. Would you like square or round nails?

Tough. I only know how to style square nails. I was only being polite giving you a choice. 

I take out the file and start shaping the nails on your left hand. 

I then drop it and pick up your right hand and do the same. After that is complete. I buff them, completing the preparation.

I place your expertly tidied nails back into the bowl, having topped it up with more hot water. 

After a few minutes, I remove them again and place them on the towel.

I flip the cap of the pink grapefruit scrub open and squeeze a generous amount onto my palm and I smear my hands together blending it fully. 

I love the grainy sound of a scrub.

I take your left hand in between my palms and start rotating them in a soothing, stroking manner. 

I repeat the same with your right hand and then I place them both back on the towel.

I press down with a light force just utilising my fingertips on each of your hands simultaneously, starting with your fingertips. 

I glide in small circles deeply penetrating your skin, moving up past your knuckles and on to your hands and wrists.

I then turn your hands over and repeat the same movements. Starting from your fingertips, all the way up to your wrist. 

Smoothing your hands all over with feather like caresses.

I grab your left hand and place it between my hands and start to grind my hand up your arm, letting the scrub sink in.

I press down a little and slide my hands towards me and back upwards a few times.

Then I finish up in a more circular motion, tackling your hand from the top and bottom.

Blending the scrub in and coating your arm until it feels soft.

I let go of your left hand and reach for your right hand to carry on sliding it between my palms and then work it higher on to your arm until it is thoroughly coated. 

I massage it in with round touches and then sweep up and down.

I place your hands back on the towel and disappear to rinse off and empty the bowl. 

I return and refill the bowl with hot water and rose essential oil. 

I take a squeezy purple sponge, dip it in the water and start to remove the scrub from your hands and arms. 

This time I just glide it forwards and backwards, flipping your hands around to finish off.

I get a new towel and rub away the excess moisture from your hands and arms with gentle dabs. 

Now that you are dry. I scoop up a handful of the cranberry body butter and massage it into your hands using my thumbs and fingers, until it glows and feels silky.

I then place your hands down and start applying the base coat, meticulously brushing your nails like a professional. 

After that dries I apply two coats of your tacky varnish.

I get up to admire my handiwork. Damn I'm good, especially with what I had to work with. 

Please show yourself out and don't forget your gawdy jewellery!

Just before you leave I place a bag in your hand with an M&M gift box, a deluxe manicure set and a bottle of pink non alcoholic bubbly.