#BlogLife400 - If Twitter dies.... *400th blogaversary post*

Happy 400th Blogaversary!!

Song of the day - Kool and the Gang - Celebration

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

How are all you sixteen wonderful readers doing? Yup I mean every single one of you?

Moi? Well me personally, I'm good thanks. It's amazing what switching off the phone and getting some decent blocks of sleep will do.

The nausea/cramps still come and go but I've stopped throwing up so that's a great thing.

I wish that I could have surprised you with a completed story but I'm just not there yet.

I think, I know that's why I was more realistic about finishing them at the end of the year, that's more doable as I'm juggling things on a daily basis now.

One of the things I'm looking forward to in December is wearing my red perfume.

It can be worn anytime but because it's red and has this sweet sort of flowery musk to it, it just reminds me of Christmas.

I have a daily version which is blue and that's another favourite. They're all just Elizabeth Taylor types as I've turned them into my signature scents.

They're just feminine and classy and give my senses a boost. I should really do a vocal introduction everytime there is a milestone post but I've already forgotten how to do it.

I know that I said I would read a post or story but I get sooo nervous that I get tongue-tied and stumble over words or just laugh because my face is bright red and I can't disguise it in person.

Even surrounded by family and friends, even if it's over the phone, I still just feel self-conscious.

I'm not sure why, maybe because the focus is solely on me and my blog is so personal that it feels weird to put myself on display in front of people?

Here on blogger I can tuck myself away and nobody can see me or know my identity and that's freeing, which is the opposite to how I've always felt.

Normally my tactic would be to avoid talking about myself and direct questions at the other person and distract them and I would say that it works well because opening myself up, to this day, is still a challenge.

I don't want to get too technical about the title. Twitter has changed hands and under the new management, the employers left because change was dictated.

So the service remains in peril. That's just to explain the title, I'm not getting more into it.

But out of Facebook and Twitter, I really do prefer the latter. It's just nice to have mini vents to air out my grievances and then I can forget all about it and move on to the next crisis.

Plus I use it to advertise the new posts and share what's going on with me.

I never ever did that with Facebook. I tried to get into it but I just couldn't.

If the worst happens, either I'll find an alternative or I will just use Facebook to advertise myself.

I've just googled some alternatives and Mastodon seems to be the highest recommended platform.

At least I have options. I'll also miss the Twitter competitions but again, there is always Facebook for that.

I have a whole week of not needing to go out for anything and I'm so relieved.

My body is not painfully aching all over but there's a section which has been hurting for a few days now.

I think it's more when I'm on my feet and walking around, it tends to twinge and I don't know if it will fade away or get more intense.

I'm wrapped up in my heated blankie as usual as it's freezing this morning and the warmth helps my bones, which is one of the reasons that I love winter.

I don't really like to get up earlier than 10am as a few hours later I'm sleepy, I woke up at 9amish and it's 11:32am and I'm already feeling tired.

As I was preparing breakfast, which I don't usually eat, but I cooked because I was sooo cold.

My brain was chattering on about today's post. (Ok at this point, I fell asleep).

I was trying to be really good and post this in the morning but I was yawning so much, that I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

Growing up I started off normal, chattering away and then lil by lil I was made to feel shame and seen as an outcast.

It started with my immediate family and was amplified by cousins, aunts and eventually friends.

I was silenced alot mid sentences and received snide comments that were muttered under the breath.

Are you really wearing that?

That's your opinion on that?

Why do you think that? We all agree on the other way?

Oh I know you don't understand this but we all do and it's hilarious....!

Oh you can't/refuse to do this? Well, we all do so it's going to be done!

My personal favourite...... Are you really going to eat that? Umm do you really think you should?

When we're in public, pretend you don't know me, don't embarrass me!!

You know it took me a long time to realise, this.. That I was being bullied.

This was the point where, instead of being excited to share my views, volunteer to my put hand up and join in, I felt stupid.

I constantly felt like that, even to this day. I'm very conscious of what I say and to a degree, how I act.

I do not want to be ridiculed! I can make fun of myself and admit my mistakes and I'm alright with that but if someone is mean about it, I don't accept that.

It was at this point, my mama was pushing me to socialise because I didn't realise why I had difficulty making friends.

I didn't want to say anything at this point, just in case, it was perceived as nonsense.

I didn't know how to look inwards. I didn't know, why I didn't want to talk or socialise.

I just knew that I wanted to be seen as smart and funny and sweet and I just felt foolish.

I convinced myself that I was doing something wrong, to make people treat me badly.

It couldn't be their fault, right?

My voice was spoken at the normal level and then it got softer, quieter and eventually sorta disappeared into a whisper...

One instance is this, we were at a family gathering. We were all outside playing games.

I have no idea what the new game was but I didn't want to participate so instead I was the host.

I don't know if I was reading questions, or judging submissions but my voice was a whisper and I didn't consciously know this.

People were saying can you speak up, we can't understand you and then everyone said it and I stood up and said something like....

Well if my voice isn't good enough for you, then find someone else!!

I think that was one of the few times I actually stood up to them and I realise this was a silly thing to make a stand about.

They weren't particularly being cruel, maybe their were some whispers about....Hmm her in charge?? Really??

But I ignored all that and started to have fun, I think. I remember this because this was at a pre-teen time, when I didn't confront anybody mistreating me at all.

I think in my own ways, I was rebelling in random outbursts. I wasn't really furious. 

I just thought for once, couldn't they get off my back and say job well done but so and so really wants to take over, instead of once again, hurting my feelings?

I recall sitting in that room alone and nobody for ages, checked up on me.

They eventually did and I rejoined them or said I would babysit while they continued playing..

When I got into my teenage years, that's when I pieced together some of it, that people weren't treating me respectfully and I tried to avoid them.

But my mama who was heavily into religion, pushed me to hang out with them, even though I explained how unhappy and depressed they made me feel.

It was this struggle of, maybe I'm overreacting to their cruelty? Or am I? I should forgive them and let them walk all over me because religion dictates I be a bloody doormat!!!!

And this went on for years. Until once again, I decided to take a weird stand.

My mama was furious but it served her right!! It was a celebration, maybe it was my birthday so my mama invited the cousins that I despised at this point over.

I told her I wanted nothing to do with them. First and maybe second cousins, something like that.

I holed up in my room, refusing to come down, to the bewilderment and great mortification of my mama.

She was horrified and inside I was pleased but once again, seen to be this drama queen.

One by one, everyone came up, "acted sweetly" Oh hey, what's up?

Can I do anything for you? It's more fun if you join us... I think I barely said a few words. I didn't even look at them!

Which consisted of.... No thanks. I'm good and that was it. You see I still couldn't confront them and say, do you really want to know why I'm being like this???

It's because you treat me like dirt. You belittle me, laugh at me and don't even know I'm aware of what dicks you all are!!!

Eventually people mature, even though gossip just flies around, same as ever...

Some of them changed but I think because they never apologised or felt bad about treating me horribly..

I distanced myself and whenever they suggested getting together I made up excuses, that they were insulted by but never had the courage to ask.... Why??!!

I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself but I've made progress and will continue to try and improve my bad habits.

I know I've said some of this before but I really just didn't like myself and didn't know why and I do love myself now.

I'm proud of me and each time I say that, it's significant because I never thought I would feel that way, ever.

I hope this explains why my heart and brain constantly try to protect me from people because I don't ever want to loathe myself ever again.

I don't want to disappear into the abyss of depression that I grew up in but family does this to me and they continue to steal my joy and peace.

But in my own way, I'm fighting the hold they have over me and constantly learning to say NO!