#BlogLife451 - I found a lump

I wasn't sure I wanted to share this but before I blinked the whole post seemed to be written out.

I guess I've realised that in order to stop stewing about something I have to release it, plus it will just come out in a public way if I don't so here goes..

Yesterday (Thursday) I found a bottle-top sized lump on my right breast, now this isn't uncommon. I seem to get them a few times a year but usually they aren't painful.

It's just really awkward and uncomfortable wearing a bra while it is prominent.

This one is on the side and more enlarged than usual and tender.

I didn't sleep very well and am not freaking out but I did Google breast cancer symptoms, you know just to put my mind at ease.

I don't have any of the symptoms like flaky skin, painful nipples, redness or any thickness in that area.

It usually goes down on it's own but because this is in the wrong area, it's constantly being pressed upon.

I don't visit doctors or take medication, I will usually try to figure out a natural solution because I don't need the stress of dealing with rude, dismissive doctors and explaining the traumatic events over and over that leave me a wreck.

One piece of advice was to use aloe vera and I have a tube of that so I applied it this morning and the pain is mostly gone except when I touch it.

The other thing was to apply a warm flannel to the area and that would help dissolve the fluids.

I haven't done that yet, I will see how the aloe performs for a while.

Obviously do not do what I do, seek out a professional if you have fears and be safe, rather than sorry.

If it turns out I did have something else killing my body. I'm not sure I would be in a rush to treat it.

At one point I never thought I would get away from hospitals and after care and needles and tests and being poked and prodded and asked intrusive, heartless questions that got me so depressed and petrified.

It is so tough and I'm picking myself up, each time I fall. I'm really just exhausted though.

It's been nearly 20yrs of being sick, almost half my life. I'm so limited to what I can do.

It's so challenging to have the strength to be mentally resilient as well as physically.

Who do I talk to about these feelings? Who really cares? Who actually listens?

The aloe vera was a temporary band aid and the heat did nothing, the pain and size is still there and I'm just self conscious and irritated.

It's now Monday morning and it's still the same pain as before. I can't tell if it's gone down or not.

Tomorrow I have to see Dic and I'm just barely keeping it together.

I've decided that I'm going to enforce a waiting time limit. 5 minutes from the moment I arrive.

He's just taking the wotsit and as I stated before, being ignored is a huge trigger for me.

If I lash out and say, you're ignoring my presence and calls, he's going to reply with, you're dismissing mine.

I was wondering what to respond with, until I realised I can say there's no point.

He refuses to do phone meetings anymore which would have been beneficial so why bother taking his calls??

He has to answer mine, as I'm doing my part and showing up and he needs to come down the stairs.

Although again, why would he not just wait downstairs?? Because he's an ass that's why!