#BlogLife547 - Dear readers

Dear readers,

I know it's 6pmish and I haven't uploaded today's creation but I'm really struggling this week to make sense of my ramblings.

The only time I've felt creative was when I was responding to emails, which felt like letters so I thought, let's make it different today and see if I can pretend I'm writing you a personal note.

See if that's easier and so far so good. No more blank page. I feel the hormonal surges coursing through me and it's making my brain go haywire.

I feel the cramps and the bloating, a tiny bit of nausea that sweeps across me and then floats away after a meal.

I've been talking to a random, cooking intermittently, listening to asmr, laying down for a nap but nothing has revitalised my inspiration.

Maybe you feel that too? Or maybe your day has been one buzzing event after the other? I'm pleased for you if so :)

There are so many stories to finish, even Wattpad sent me a jingle and said Umm, what's happening? Be consistent.

Oops. I can't seem to dig deep. I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I feel absolutely nothing at present.

I've bought a few more essentials. I finally saw the L'oreal fine flowers face wash and this pink mirrored phone stand because I can't find my other one.

The mirror will be useful for makeup and my lenses as it's adjustable.

And my mind wanders to getting close to people and then pulling back.

I wonder if I'll ever let anyone get close to me again, the way I sorta did before.

Never ever all the way, but more easily than now. I'm not like a fashion Queen, everything doesn't have to be perfect.

But I did love dressing up, even if it was just casually. I reminded myself of that when I was at Mama's and for the first time in decades..

I wore a skirt out, that tropical skirt that everyone loves. That is far too long so I have to pick it up.

I thought my thighs would rub together or I would feel too exposed. But actually it was nice to be bright, colourful and feminine.

The thing with attention, is that from males, the cuter I look, the more prone to attacks I am.

I really consciously dressed flatly and in black to avoid this. I guess I'm realising this now.

I always feel the need to protect myself from predators. From walking down the street and being touched, from hugging someone and being pinched.

From being followed home. This time I wasn't alone, I had company and I forgot all the bad things that had happened to me.

I temporarily became naive. Became free of fear. All those times I opened up to mentors, only to be looked at as a sex object.

All those carefree moments, walking around, until a group of men in cars, slowed down and rolled beside me and I thought I would be grabbed and pushed inside.

I don't know why I'm thinking about this now. Men stopped me from going on those leisurely hourly walks at night.

I was approached and followed way too much. All I ask is to be left alone in peace.

All I got was my smile taken away. I would still like to be invisible sometimes but that means going back to black, black, drab colours.

I'm not willing to do that anymore. I did love some of those nights. Nobody around, the lights dimmed, no honking cars.

The wind in my hair, the gentle hum of music in my airs. my eyes getting drowsy, knowing that soon I would be tucked in my bed, having a dreamless sleep..

Speak soon

SS