#BlogLife549 - You and me or Moi and me?

Song of the day - Ir Sais - Dream Girl

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pAqWzNIKzE&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=8

I always mean to add the Song of the day but then I forget, so this time I added it first.

Just random songs that I find and enjoy, that you might also :)

I'm so hungry, I might just munch and write. I did a lunchtime shop and it arrived not to long ago and then because I was feeling quite cold..

I had to have a hot shower/bath to relax a bit before the groceries came.

I hadn't heard from D for two days and then he replied this morning and said he was just busy.

I did wonder if he was giving me the brush off but then the rest of me thought, maybe he's just occupied.

But he does give longer than usual good quality replies, which most do not so I'm grateful for that.

He doesn't have the deep voice that I like but it's pleasant. I'm still very much hormonal.

No nausea today but bloating and my appetite comes and goes.

I usually track all deliveries where possible so I know roughly when they are due.

I don't usually speak into the intercom, I can't hear them and vice versa, seems a waste of time.

This driver, who I've seen before said I could have been a mass murderer and you just casually let me in.....

Umm, not really appropriate to joke about but I shrugged and said I track everything.

Then I unpacked and compared everything to the receipt and it was all there.

But there were extras, some biscuits and something else....

A pregnancy test. I stared at it and thought, that is strange, it was mixed in with my shopping.

It wasn't in a separate sealed bag. I figure I am way past having kids now, not that I wanted any.

But it makes me think about being part of a family of my own, having a boyfriend, partner, husband?

Going out and coming home to someone, or being picked up when I'm near exhaustion and sitting in those comfy leather seats and closing my eyes.

(Knowing I didn't have to be on high alert that I would be assaulted).

I don't know how I would make that transition, to say things, I've never really said before.

I trust you completely.

I love you.

I'm all yours.

I'm not going to push you away.

I'm not going to run away.

I want a future with you.

With you I can drop the pretence and let you in.

I've never had that safety net to be totally transparent. To admit, this is me, sometimes I'm really bitter or sad.

There are times when I want company, (I just won't admit it), and other instances where I'm so happy to be alone.

Can I ever be kissed and not touched? Can I ever feel safe to say Yes, I do want that hug?

I just don't want to be grabbed.

Can a hug or a kiss just be solo? Is there any man that would respect my wishes and not go beyond my comfort levels?

That hasn't been the case so far and I've always ended up flinching.

I want to let go and be caught up in the moment, to smile, giggle, laugh and flirt.

I want to be held, to be cared for and admired for my independence.

I don't want to interrogate and ask what their intentions are.

But I can't. I always have to put my guard up and take it slowly and get ready to scream NO! Stop! Let me go!

I have to figure out a way to connect. Instead of dismantling it before it even begins.

I'll let you know, if I ever get it right.....