#BlogLife902 - Monthly Blues/Landlord BS

I was hoping to skip June, July, foreverdom but I came on yesterday so the cramps/nausea have just intensified, as has the exhaustion and the insomnia.

My appetite has sorta disappeared but I'm munching small meals/snacks for energy. I should eat, it's lunchtime, but it has no appeal.

I've got the shorter periods subliminal playing in the background, sometimes it helps.

Then I usually have to switch to anti nausea or the cramps reduction one, I guess it would be easier if there was an all one version but maybe it would be less effective.

I'm still waiting on the cherry lip balm but I did get the hand sanitizers over the weekend.

And it made me laugh because as he was about to snap the proof picture, he said No no lower please, I can't get your face in it, otherwise I'll get into trouble.

I always thought that was the purpose, to get a face photo, as identity purposes to avoid disputes that the package wasn't delivered or if delivered to the wrong person you could upload your image and say well this is me...

Anyway learn something new every day. I checked my bank and the full amount came in so I can pay my rent when they return from lunch, if anyone is available.

I keep rubbing my eyes raw, they are so dehydrated. I apply the drops, they help for a bit and then they are insanely dry again, another reason to hate summer.

Or because of the humidity they fog up and I can't read or see properly until I take them out and re-clean them.

I've also noticed the laptop is overheating and freezing the screen. I bought a cooling trap years ago but it's too bulky.

It stopped working and I saw a gel pad without fans that looks interesting. I wonder if it's any good or would it be a waste of money?

Alright just called up to pay my rent and this is what makes me think the landlord is skimming from the top, overcharging me and keeping the surplus.

She literally gave me a new amount to pay. This is what makes me insane, if I contact UC, this will be another headache for me.

They are making me look nuts because they literally keep switching the amount, so screw it, I just paid it.

It's highly suspicious though at some point, they are gonna say you're in debt to us for thousands or hundreds, where are my payments going then???

This is what it was supposed to be, with the tiny arrears added, £615.89, without the arrears, the standard is £615.52.

Sounds simple and straightforward. Let's break it down, for the trillionth time.

£489.68 for the rent, then £125.84 for the service charge, which equals the second amount above.

Now here is what she actually charged me...... £666.81 so wtf is going on?

If it''s the annual increase, that's not supposed to happen until October.

My head will explode, like I said the Landlord, DWP and UC are the constant sources of stress.

This is weird, UC has the updated amount but it's different to what the landlord told me.

Oh crikey, confusing, maybe the landlord told them the new amount directly??

I'm done, I'm not thinking about this anymore, the ongoing flipping changes.

How can the landlord get away with telling UC one amount and me, the tenant a different number??

#BlogLife901 - And another thing..

One other thing that's been annoying me is that when the twit UC advisor called me up, he said next time you're late pop a message into the journal.

Ahem!! I don't think I've been late for your meetings ever so that's insulting, I'm usually there early and it's You that keeps me waiting!!

Secondly, I could barely stand and function, you want me to stop, try and remember the login, get the stupid idiotic text security, paste that and try and type in my present state??

Twit! When I got up to ask the staff for help in the library I was so shaky I had to hold onto her desk, otherwise I felt like I was gonna fall or collapse!

Jerk! Anyway had to get that off my chest.

I forgot to mention that as I was emptying the old bag to transfer the contents, in the lining, I felt something and I thought Oh my...I thought you were lost.

Any guesses? I'll wait.. Nope, not that either, shakes my head, sorry none of you were correct.

I found, not one, but two...... Tweezers ha! I literally bought a set and soon after thought I had accidentally chucked one away but nooo it was caught in the lining, how weird.

I have an update on the drops I bought, it doesn't cure the dry eyes, it's just refreshing in the moment.

I think I've used better quality ones but these were very cheap. I don't know if I would recommend them, my eyes are non stop itchy and dry at the moment so I'm using them a lot, whereas other ones, I'm sure I only used them once or twice a day..

TV wise, I'm re-watching Kiralik Ask on Youtubey to see if I like it any better and can finish it the second time around, hmm.

Also I found a new show called Outrageous, the British version of Bridgerton but tamer, less laughs, less wildness, actually it's a lot sadder.

I wish they had lightened it up. It's about a former wealthy, now struggling family and their daughters mainly.

Ok I've just checked the UC payment for the end of the month, expecting to see the usual £800ish and they've bumped it back up to what is was before when they were covering the whole rent.

What's even stranger is that, previously in May when they paid the £800ish only, they've rewritten the statement to say they paid me just over £1k.

What is going on? They love to drive me around the bend. I'm not questioning it, if my bills are covered and I can get groceries, that's all I want.

But what on earth made them change their minds? It's so perplexing, why do I think, in July it will drop back down to £800ish again?

Could the landlord have told them about all the supposed arrears I was charged over the years since moving in??

Did they take into account suddenly my health conditions? They've continually said No you're not entitled for full rent coverage and now they've whimsically changed their minds yet again.

I'm thankful, I really am. I just wish their was some stability so I could stop worrying for good.

#BlogLife900 - 64p Bag me, I'm yours - Anniversary edition 900th post/Early birthday present

I should do something fancy for the anniversary posts, perhaps I'll sneak something in later.

I scoured a few places for a replacement handbag, on Amazon some has caught my eye, right size, right colour, could be the right price?

It's an ouchy £27 but it's on a double sale, plus if they give me free Prime and I redeem the gift vouchers, I think I'll pay maybe a fiver or maybe free if that code they sent me is still valid..

Not bad for brand name, vegan leather and cute to boot. I like the slouchy or the messenger style type with a really long strap.

I had that bag Mama gave me for years, maybe 3 or 4? It held up really well and then today the zips have all busted up, no security for my purse and oyster card so that has to go.

Mama said it was longer maybe six years? Hmm not sure, to me it doesn't seem that long but it was very durable.

I tend to go for a boring black, simple but I want something different, a red or a purple, nothing bright just toned down or darker in shade.

My bag was too small for all the crap that was in it, makeup, tissues, sunnies, purse, phone, hand sanitizer, ooh blimey, I have to get more of those soon,

I don't like casual looking bags, I prefer they look smart, it doesn't have to look premium but I have to like the look of it.

I don't want to pay more than £15 ha. The reviews are good too, that helps and the range of colours.

Blue is tempting but I want something feminine as a treat as my birthday will be here in a while and I don't celebrate but around this time, I want something pretty, just for me to enjoy, just to have that selfishy self indulgent moment.

To treat myself to something I crave that noone really does for me, so no guilt for doing it for myself.

On the other hand, I'm not crazily spending an obscene amount either, sensible to the core.

I wasn't even sure if BlogLife would hold up really. I was sooo lost.

I thought the goal was to be a popular sensation, beloved my many, comments galore, reads galore, fascinating back and forths and of course a bazillion followers.

It took me a while to realise success is measured in different ways, just because I'm overlooked in the blogging realm too, it doesn't mean what I have to say doesn't matter.

I'm just reaching a smaller audience than most and I can live with that now.

It doesn't mean I'm bad, it means most have different tastes, they want the flashy picturey, more bolder presences with personal details aplenty.....

Not so much an anonymous reserved fem who is not chirpy. I never want to hide who I am but at the same time, it wouldn't be me if I suddenly said.....

My name is.........I live exactly..........My ethnicity is....... I like a bit of mystery.

I like that most of the time, I can have a giggle and pretend it's just a regular catchup conversation, that I want to include you in my life, not just be the centre of attention and make it, me me me.

Although that has it challenges also. I try to vary the themes. I know what I say won't appeal to every single reader.

I don't want to cater to those that only like the stories or fiction or to those that only like it when I'm angry, I mix and match, my mood flows continually.

I was only intending to start this, yet it may nearly be done..

Oops that purple colour is not purple, it's brown. I have to repick, not green, not blue, not brown and definitely not black.

I think pink is the nicest shade, aside from the white and beige but I don't want a white bag, it would mess up too easily.

Heavens I can't believe I found the Amazon code, a fiver off a £15 spend, hopefully it will work, which means the bag might cost less than a pound?

Here is hoping, maths was never my thing..... Ha, bargain though :) I shall put pictures up on Twitter.

Oh well it's not completely free but with Amazon's triple discount and my gift card, 64p I can afford to be charged, woop.

I just redeemed the other gift card and got it. I thought I would wait a week for it as for once Prime didn't say, have a free trial... Meanies ha!

But nope they said we'll post it tomorrow, so it's due (Wednesday).

Well it just arrived, despatched at 5am, out for delivery 11am and got here just before 3pm, tracking said a few stops, 3 stops earlier buzz buzz it's already here.

At first I thought they sent me the wrong shade all I see is white and I'm thinking noooooo but it was just the light packaging, so glad it wasn't overstuffed.

It's a Roulens, not designer but a brand name, affordable fashion accessories.

I've never heard of them, I just like what I like. First impressions, nice colour, lighter than I wanted but it's not boring.

It's soft and the insides are plush, lots of compartments and the perfect size to fit my bulky purse and phone and more, woop.

The gorgeous detailed strap is what hooked me, it is stunning and that is the key for me, something to make it bold and stylish.

The only thing that let's it down and makes it look cheap, the main zipper, the end bit hangs off like it was ripped off or not sewn in properly.

That just ruins the aesthetic, turns a premium bag into a semi tacky one but it's not that noticeable and it's not a deal breaker. I just hate that bit.

Overall though I'm so happy with it, it might look ordinary but the straps I've never seen anything like that before.

Aside from the zipper bit and I put a picture up on Twitter (@SleeplessScrib1), to me it's more like a £60 item, not a £30ish and certainly not a 64p deal.

I had a bit of a yucky morning, really bad cramps, but I slept off and on and now sipping water.

I played the anti nausea and cramps videos and finally I think I'm starting to feel better.

I wonder if I'll skip the month's monthly? I just want this bloatedness to go away, it's so uncomfy feeling full all the time.

I just bought some cherry lip balm, mine just finished and some hand sanitizers. Those are so pricey ugh.

Last time, I got 3x bottles for about £6 and I grunted paying that. Now I was looking and looking and nothing until now.

I specifically look for it to say antibacterial, if it doesn't I won't purchase it.

I finally saw an offer 3 for £10, gosh that is £4 more and it's not branded.

The £6 one that are just finishing now lasted ages and they were the Calypso brand, I love how the spray instantly evaporates, no waiting around.

The gel for me leaves residue behind, that's why I don't like it. I recommend the 100ml size, really handy to fit in a bag and bring it out when you need it.

Thanks for following along my up and down journey. I'm never going to be happy all the time, this blog will never have pictures or a name reveal but I promise you it will always have my heart and soul imbedded into every post, even the fluff ones.

And occasionally I'll sneak some food photos or shopping images on Twitter for the hell of it.

Why do I improperly begin some sentences with And? I don't like big clunky paragraphs. 

I try to make them easy to read and cutely bite sized so because I ramble, I break them up often, ha, bad SS, but a cute flow or overflow.

No promises I'll make it to #BlogLife 1k but I will try my best, there is so much stress and illness and headaches, plus the family crap, it's not easy to communicate.

Deep down I never believed I would be a talker, a sharer, someone that inspired anyone else because I didn't think my thoughts were worth hearing/reading.

But in some ways, it's kinda funny, that the same people treating me like crap, were also asking for my wisdom to solve their problems.

I didn't feel too good about myself but it was good for my ego, that a long of people came to me when they were in trouble.

I may not have said much but somehow my intelligence was shining through.

I'm trying to think of something I haven't divulged before but something silly is all I can think about.

So here it is, I play Looney Tunes and there's a discord group, so when the current leader left and was taken over by a friend of mine, we needed a blurb for the new members and I think I volunteered to scribble something.

Actually I don't think it took long but here's an example of my writing tagline, I think it came out well..

I liked it but I still cringed that maybe noone else would think it was clever enough.

Soooo cheesy... There is nothing better than a food fight or is there? How about a tooOOon fight? Do you have a killer appetite? A thirst for vengeance? 

Come join our wisecracking family where only the fun never dies!!! It's a guaranteed blast with our crazy mix of experienced and inexperienced players. 

Tips, streams and everything inbetween to make you bust a gut. Terms and conditions apply, members not responsible if you die laughing, split your sides or become addicted to mayhem.

The funny thing was that sooo cheesy bit wasn't a part of it, I just felt a lil bit over the top, but she liked it so much, she kept it in.

#BlogLife899 - Ask Laftan Anlamaz - Is this what passes for romance??

I have six episodes of this dreadful series to get through. I do not fault the acting at all, sometimes it's a bit hammy over the top but it's entertaining-ish.

This is a fluff post so I'll just share what it's about, I might have done this already though.

I'm watching it on Youtubey, but half the time the English subtitles are missing so that's really annoying.

It actually reminds me of two other shows, Kiralik Ask because it's a similar plot with the boss/employee, huge deception between them.

And then also Sefirin Kizi because of the constant abuse. I stopped watching both of those shows because I couldn't stand it any longer, deceiving and hurting someone you care about, is not my idea of romantic escapism.

Anyway back to the show, the main character Hayat and Murat have a contentious relationship.

She starts off as an unqualified assistant who masquerades as someone better qualified and a friend of the family but no-one knows what she looks like, so she gets away with it.

I can't stand that both the main characters are unlikable self centred egotistical people that only care about themselves.

When their friends are having a hard time, they bring it back to themselves for sympathy......Yuck!

Also the problem with a lot of Turkish dramas is that somehow the writers think disrespectful abusive tyrants are romantic heroes????

Why?? In real life they would be dumped and avoided. Do you want a partner that's constantly painfully and forcefully grabbing your arm and dragging you places?

Do you want someone throwing all your mistakes in your face, all the time and plummeting your self esteem to nothingness?

Lastly do you want someone yanking your wrist so hard you're yelping in pain? Slapping your face? Pushing you?

Forbidding you from leaving the house or talking normally to any other males???

No, no, no you do not!! So you can't help but wonder, what are the writers thinking when all this is acceptable, lovey dovey behaviour?

The fact that the friends and family are pushing them together and she almost dies at the end, sickens me but I'm nearly at the end so I just want to see what the result is.

In my head, she's left him to be with someone normal that doesn't abuse her but obviously I know that is not the case.

If the two leads have strong opinions, that's fine, you can get some back and forth, when there's obscene jealousy and violence though? Nope nope nope, just wrong.

That wouldn't work in real life, first it's grabbing, then slapping, then eventually it's punching, it doesn't suddenly improve.

And it's worse that he's manipulative, first nice and apologetic but when she doesn't accept it, he blames her and invades her personal space, not giving her a moments peace.

It's suffocating to be with someone that possessive that you can't have your own interests and career without them.

She literally wants to thrive and he wants her to be a good lil wifey and dote on him constantly and make him bloody coffee?

So he critiques her work, her passions because he's jealous she wants to do something without him.

Is that disgusting or what?? I can't recommend it at all, started off cute and then just got so bad.

Plus they don't trust the other is faithful at all. What kinda marriage is that?

On one hand it's sad and on the other, they just play so many games at each other's expense and it always backfires.

So dumb! Sorry I did want to like this but I just don't. It's something that bugs me, that thing of being made to feel bad or incapable constantly pushed buttons and being manhandled???

Nope can't stand it! The last straw was him saying You're not allowed to leave the house and he was purposely getting dolled up as though he was gonna cheat on her..

I mean seriously???? She's not a wife, she's a prisoner and yet he can say to her Where have you been? With whom??

But heaven forbid she ask him the same thing. Ugh! Watch it if you must, me personally I prefer when the males respect their partners.

#BlogLife898 - Liar liar - Same guy - Different name

Gosh it's hard to think straight. I don't think I'll be able to post today (Thursday).

This heatwave is sapping me of thoughts, energy, motivation.. It's just hard to sleep, even without the duvet on me.

One thing irritating me is that because the beautician always insists on wax and threading, my eyes are cut up to shreds.

Scarred from bleeding and still a tiny bit tender. If you're too lazy to pluck, then don't I really wish they wouldn't thread.

I feel like someone is taking a hacksaw to my eyes, hold, still, stop squirming while I massacre you. Ugh!

Always I say, wax, no threading and they nod, Yes we got it, and next minute, thread me.

Almost makes me want to shout, No threading means wax only, I'd like to leave without bleeding, without my skin being damaged.

Getting my brows done is supposed to be a treat. I want them to look nice, not bruised.

Ohhh I knew it, I called it, my instincts were spot on! A has been masquerading from someone I blocked.

He is actually HM, the one that only cared about himself and how did I find out?

He asked me to call him and as I was typing in the number it showed up on from my history.

I scoured my notes and low and behold, it was HM, we had a call, maybe at the end of March, ridiculous.

So I calmly confronted him and did he confess, apologise and admit he deceived me like a grown up?

Well? Of course not, he lieddddddd. He said Ohh I haven't used that name in years, how do you remember it??

The fool pmmed me under that name a few weeks ago, or sooner than that.

See this proves he's manipulative and a phony. I can't stand liars.

If that was me, I would have made a joke and said Oops busted, I missed your company and wanted another chance.

But Noooo he couldn't do that, so now he's blocked on the phone and I we will not be talking to him any longer on chat.

He's not taking it well, keeps pmming me, Did I explain? Nope. I want him to hate me and bother someone else and secondly..

I don't see the point, he's already denying it. He will continue lying and later masquerade as yet someone else Zzz..

It kinda makes me laugh, his whole attitude before we parted was, it's my way or the highway but then he knew I didn't tolerate that.

So he softened his approach, changed his name and pretended to be all sweet and caring but it's bs.

I think I was waiting for an excuse to block him. He's fine-ish but he asks me nothing about myself.

I mean I know I hate personal questions but over time, it's gets easier to answer them, so although we've talked for a while, it's all superficial and that's his thing, flirt flirt flirt but not connect.

Plus he has kids, doesn't live locally and is a compulsive liar, three strikes, you're out!

And I was gonna be reckless and not withold my number and a voice said.....Umm You sure you wanna do that?

As soon as I saw his number wasn't new, I just did the 141, well actually it was already there.

If you can't be bothered with the pesky truth, move along, move right along....

On to today. Oh my stomach hurts, the nausea comes and goes but it just makes me dizzy, the sodding heat doesn't help.

I was running royally late, I just couldn't seem to stand, I was retching as though I was gonna vomit but I didn't.

Ick, so I just went to the library, typed in the wrong details as I was flustered, waited for the idiotic text code, twice..

Then I forgot how you print ha, so the nice assistant helped me, £1/60 for 4 copies, all done, oof, it used to be maybe 5p per printout? Yeesh.

I would like to lay down and sleep but not tired enough, that Twit gave me another 9am appointment, God I hate him!

Anyway while I was at the library he called and said Can you do a phone appointment, he couldn't wait 5 minutes for me to get there...

I didn't really hear him, so ignored that until he said it again, so I didn't bother going to the Jobby after all.

Actually it would have been longer lol and I could barely hear him, he was devastated that the course didn't accept me.

Bahahaha!!!! He wants the bloody email, You can have it, you tit! Why take my word for it??!

I got the printouts in my bag only for the zipper to break, so I now need a new crossbody handbag, I love that style plus I cannot grip with my hand for a prolonged time so that's better for the pain management.

I am just waiting for brekkie, the egg and chicken rasher muffin, lush and some apple juice.

I'm going to window shop in maybe Amazon's site as I think they sent me a coupon.

You know something else that I thought of, If DWP wasn't such a Witch about harassing me for 9 months, they would have got all of the Paypal balance but because of spite, now when the huge fine comes in, they'll get less.

I hope it's been worth it, abusing me for all this time. If she does have bosses, I hope they throw the book at her!!

Crikey, I just struggled to stand up to get to the door but lovely food is here and I hope it settles my tum, please please please.

I hope your day is a lot calmer :)

#BlogLife897 - Humidity and insomnia do not mix

It was such a horrid night because of the heat and humidity and I couldn't get comfy for some reason and I was shattered from being out.

Took me hours, hence the late start. I feel like buying a new fan just for nighttime but then I'm scared, it will fall on the floor again and smash to pieces.

If you're wondering the three sarcastic insulting questions the DWP asked? As I'm pleased that I'm documenting everything on the blog..

These are what is was.......

Q1. Explain why you couldn't send us Paypal statements, asked and answered multiple times. 

I quoted the Paypal representatives exact answers and that I already sent in balance affecting and all transactions reports and that they said I requested it multiples times yet would turn out the same way.

The level of spite is astounding, lawyers would have a field day with a harassment case.

Like I've said before there is no reason why that isn't good enough, just because your arse is too lazy to go through the 100+ pages?

The information you seek is still there Twit!

Q2. What did you spend your entire heritance on when you moved in, furniture wise? Seriously are you stupid?

Who would spend it all on that? It was Hotel bills, takeout, previous tenants arrears, flooring, blinds, rent, utilities, groceries, furniture, cleaners, cab fares, over years and years.

I should also have added the Landlord's peculiar demands for debts that were non existent, which is a regular thing, that I used the savings to pay for.

Q3. What were your investments?

I barely remember a damn thing, through grieving and recovering from the hospital. My mind was shot into pieces, it was just eradicated into nothingness, hardly anything retained.

Nothing seemed real, I was advised to invest in ISA's and bonds all of which yielded barely anything.

That was it, so I explained about recovering, explained I was on crutches and explained that I was kicked out of home.

So watch, I bet in October, this year's anniversary, she will come at me again, asking more idiotic questions or the same sort.

It will have been a whole 12 months she's been after me, making my life hell.

Because she doesn't like what she's hearing, so maybe she'll drag it on for years and years??

Until she hears, Oh I'm partying nonstop and dining in posh areas, or whatever the hell her prejudiced mind is waiting for.

I'm just consistently straightforward. Giving her access to Paypal, to the Bank, politely answering, while she mocks me.

Then her continually saying You're not doing what I ask..... When I have been.

She despises that I'm respectful to her as I was taught manners from young.

She hates that I don't get angry and insult her as she expects.

Mostly she can't stand that she is determined to make me out to be an irresponsible spoiled brat, when all I've done is try to survive, be responsible, pay my expenses and cope with health conditions.

She refuses to accept it, so this is my life from now on, as usual the bullying continues.

I cannot escape from it, she's determined to depress me and make me sink into the gutters.

But when I said I was turning over a new leaf, I mean't it. Stress and pain are my normal occurrences.

So I will vent on her, share what's happening. I've always been prepared for her nasty attitude so maybe it's less impactful than it was?

I'm still scared and worried. I always will be but I'm reassured by the fact that despite what she says, I've followed all her demands and complied willingly.

I take comfort in being overwhelmed and still getting on with it.

I just have to carry on, some days are better than others. Sorry that I repeated myself in some instances but it all helps to voice it out. It really does.

Thanks for listening/reading. I appreciate it. Let the judgements continue......

Just for the record I don't consider myself blameless but nor do I deserve this prolonged behaviour.

#BlogLife896 - Sunny world

Is it the weekend here already? I don't really feel like writing but most days it's like a compulsion to jot down some observations or whatever is going on with me.

Zoom sent me an email with some new products listed, no sign of the caesar sushi but they did have lemon eclairs, which looked fabulous, pistachio tiramisu and I've only seen the cafe version which is amazing, so I wonder how it compares?

I don't need to do any mini shops at the moment though, so it has to wait, assuming it will ever be in stock.

My stomach is still cramping off and on. I'll probably munch soon but not sure what on.

I always do this, I say I'm not ordering but checking the supplies, I'm out of snacks and that's more appealing than food at times so I might do an order this weekend..

Mostly everything was on sale, saved £7, got some Neutrogena face wash (saved £2 nearly), some more gnocchi but this time the cheese and tomato as the plain one needed some flavourings.

Also some new munchies, Laila mini poppadoms 90p, yoghurt, mint and coriander style.

They seemed fun, like it incorporated the raita dip into the seasoning.

Also Laila chilli and lemon grills crisps 90p, hope it's not too salty, tried a different brand and it's great but oversalted, which ruins it.

Got the chicken sushi, they were out of the regular so got the dragon one, hint of spice with that, although some might be a lil extra but delicious all the same.

I'm not totally against pepper, it's just when it's so strong it's uncomfortable to eat, it's off-putting because that's all I end up tasting and I never want to finish the rest of the dish.

I thought while I wait for Zoomy, I'll moisturise and apply the mud mask. It's very cooling actually on this humid warm day.

Oh ha, and as I predicted no tiramisu or eclairs, I knew it, good taste some customers.

To be honest, the salmon avocado probably still beats them all, but it's never in stock :(

I should have written a list of what I needed but I think I got everything, it was only a few bits really.

I was mostly full after the sandwich and some sushi but I wanted to try one of the snacks.

I settled for the mini poppadoms from Laila, yoghurt mint coriander, highly unusual.

Wow, for 90p, there was a lot in the bag. I don't recall ever trying a poppadom or a crisp that's been creamy before, I don't know how they did it.

It's a nice size, not too salty, great marriage of favours. It's absolutely delicious, I feel like I've dipped it into a raita already.

Brilliant concocotion. Crunchy, fresh, I would definitely recommend it. Now I can't wait to try the lemon grill one.

I'll pack the rest up, no more nibbling for me today. I'm so glad I tried that and didn't stick to my usual choices.

I definitely recommend that, if you like those flavours, lush. Hmm just tried the cheese and tomato gnocchi..

I sorta expected to like it more, it's ok, bit cheesy, bit tomatoey, still blandish but not as nice as the plain one weirdly enough.

I wouldn't buy this one again, I'll stick to the plain and add cheese and/or garlic dip.

I really should probably eat it with something else but I feel so bloated and full, yet hungry ugh, irritating.

Ok that's one thing done, horridly reliving everything answering the DWP's questions. Filled in the form and because they were so sarcastic/nasty.

I also just told them all about how I was struggling on crutches and healing from the hospital and that my place was woefully not furnished even a lil bit.

Go ahead DWP, keep making me out to be a monster, oooh the big bad crippled girl. Good for you hassling me, continue gloating to yourself.

Now I have to screenshot the job applications and course rejection for the idiot UC advisor, I'm dealing with clowns!

Alright, got back, munched because I felt depleted, still going between nausea and normality.

I did 2/3 chores, not bad. I posted the letter, finally got my eyebrow shape done, I feel fabulous.

And even though I felt a bit rough, for once I didn't feel self conscious about my size.

I mean I was covered up completely but I wore this red flowy pretty top over a plain top, in case it was chilly and I felt so cute.

Make up was done, a lil red/purple eyeshadow, foundation and the sun was finally out.

I mean I know I love my storms but I wanted to try the new pilot sunnies and they are glorious.

I don't know if it's unisex but I don't care, it was a goldy purple style and then the tinge is yellow so I could see clearly and still be protected.

And even though I oiled my hair and did a mini scalp massage, it looked really thick and styled, so I was pleased to look polished, even fighting sickness all morning.

In my haste to deal with the DWP letter, I forgot to sign and date it so I quickly opened it and used the other spare envelope.

That's what frazzleness and trauma does, I just lose my common sense.

By the time I got to the Market, I was fried but somehow through that yellow tinge, everywhere looking like sunshine, I just pretended I had boundless energy and that I was carefree.

Just like everyone else, window shopping, looking all chic and as I kidded myself, I swayed my hips, just like the old days and I thought, Nah I'm not poorly today, I'm healthy.

This mental trick worked for a lil bit, but after the brow shape. I thought alright, I'm done for the day.

I posted the letter, started to feel sick and thought I could go into the library risk it and print out the emails, or I could will myself to make it to the bus stop and sit and rest.

I chose the bus, there was a tiny bit of energy left, so I thought let's be sensible and not over exert ourselves.

I did want to grab a sandwich and drink but I couldn't do it. I have to encourage myself to carry on walking to get to my destination.

I think actually the nausea is not only caused by stress it is always heading outdoors.

Even on calmer days, I still feel that trepidation, it's not fear exactly, I think it's the possibility that something bad could easily happen, once again.

But for the most part, today was good, got leftovers for later and tomorrow and now I have to do the UC stuff and then I can unwind.

#BlogLife895 - Witch's Insanity interrogation part thousand.. *rolls eyes*

To recap, the last I heard from Witchy was I can't recall if it was January or April?

But I do know that she said You didn't cooperate and give me what I wanted, aka the balance affecting statements....

Pfft I gave you the whole bloody statement, you're just too spiteful and lazy to go through it!!

Any excuse to rile me up and have a go at me. Anyway I just checked to see if I had any post and low and behold there was a letter.

Oh yea and the last thing she said was Wait to hear back regarding a final decision which will typically result in a fine.

I have to talk to my supervisor and this has been dragging on since October and I don't want it taking up anymore of my time.

Blah blah blah. But I've always seen through her, she takes months and months to give updates and it's always to say.....

Do this or that..... She has no intention of resolving this situation. Her goal in life is to stress me out.

Oh sorry also her other demand, (she said I had a choice, but I didn't), was to grant access to my entire bank history so fine, I did it.

Now today's condescending, letter asks yet more questions, to which I've answered already but yet still continues to interrogate me, saying reply by Thursday.

Um I just got it, so unfortunately have to go out next week, will probably do the library printouts too, or maybe an eyebrow shape.

I'm not sure, it depends how I feel but I literally had to go over some details with Mama, as I have a giant foggy memory.

All this is surrounding the time when I was recently released from hospital and I just blocked things out.

Even when I was recuperating at home, I felt I was going through the motions. I couldn't think straight for maybe a year or more?

I'm not sure, there were too many traumas. My brain just shut down and had enough and said Hey, rest, heal, cope as best as you can, forget the rest.

Also I was on a ton of medications, of which I just stopped taking after I while, they were driving me insane.

Paranoia and numbness was a lethal combination, plus I didn't want to get addicted, my family was full of druggies already, that would not be me!

The doctors were not happy, ha screw em, it was my body, my decision and my life.

And so because of all that, plus grieving, it's so hard to recall specific details, I'm struggling and she wants precisey, precisey.

I told Mama she reminds me of a diva Columbo, Just one more thing......... And that although I'm always polite to her, even though she is disrespectful...

In my head I keep repeating W W W W, witch! Mama has a theory that she's deliberately pushing my buttons to try and trip me up.

But I'm consistently telling the truth, I haven't deviated from that and that is why she gets angry and ridicules me constantly because in her mind, she wants a different outcome.

She wants me to lose my cool, shout back at her and confess to her version of what she believes is the truth, not the actual circumstances.

My life has been a horror show. I still get the feeling, she's waiting for the day, that I say.... Oh you got me, I didn't spend money on bills and groceries...

Actually it was tiaras, jewels, trips to Barbados, eating at the Ritz hotels, buying designer clothes...

Skiing vacations, I can't even think of anything else far fetched? Spas? 

VIP nightclubs? Cruises? Ok I'll stop but you see my point hopefully, that's why she keeps hounding me, she wants to hear all of the above, maybe all the previous people were like that?

Who knows, I will let the evidence speak for itself, the paypal and bank histories.

What actually happened, for anyone interested in facts.... Hmm I'm hesitating about sharing all the personal stuff, but maybe it will help...

Ok, here it is, my health conditions were starting to get worse, the pain was constant, I was struggling with walking and using my hands. My legs used to burn when I went anywhere.

But my Papa got sick and needed someone to take care of him, so I was nominated for this as I wasn't in employment.

It was a horrendous time in my life. I felt like I could barely function, let alone take care of someone else.

Bu I did what I could, only for people to jump down my throat and say I wasn't doing a good job, I was slacking off.

Because what I did, when Papa slept, I was shattered, my bones were killing me, I laid downstairs on the couch and slept and because I dared to rest, I was this useless carer and human being.

Let me mention the fact that I didn't get paid, he was really ungrateful and I didn't get fed either.

I was there maybe from 9am to possibly 7pm? All week. I ran his errands, made meals and most of the time, I wanted to weep, the pain was intense.

And I was starving all day. Mama insisted I pay rent, and then I had my own bills, yet she let the other two, run up debts in her name.

So I was lucky if I could afford to buy bread and sandwich fillings. I had a healthy appetite, even though I got called fat constantly.

And if you are wondering, when I would go out to buy my Papa's lunch and ask if he could pay for mine as I didn't have any money.

His reply was Sorry, I can't afford it! So even though I wanted to call him a liar, I accepted it and just went without eating all day.

So then suddenly food was an elusive luxury item. I went home exhausted each night, made a snack, watched television and then probably tried to sleep.

Then I've mentioned the rest, his brother and sister were after his money so they whispered in his ear, your daughter is stealing from you, confront her and kick her out.

And I got this devastating call. He was yelling saying I was this untrustworthy heinous person who was bad and unwelcome.

My parents were experts at painting me as this pathetic loser and finally I got so angry I snapped back.

Hard for me to do when I always feared the repercussions but enough was enough.

I sacrificed my time, my energy on looking after you, and you accuse me of this????

No I wasn't having it so I told him I didn't want anything to do with him unless he apologised and took it all back.

My friends were like Oh stop overreacting that's your parent but when you've been bullied and verbally abused all of your life, you get to a breaking point and you think Sod off!

I am a good decent helpful honest person. Why do I deserve abuse???

Eventually he did apologise and I said I forgave him because that was what was expected but I never thought of him fondly after that.

He trashed my trust in him and I was so damn frail to begin with. No self worth whatsoever.

Soon after he passed, I got the inheritance, I told the Jobby about it and then I landed in hospital fighting for my life, touch and go..... Intensive care, couldn't breathe or move.

And half the time I prayed for death, told the nurses I wanted to die and half the time, I felt guilty for abandoning my Mama, leaving her with her demon spawn.

So I was released from hospital six weeks later, paid off my debts. Won maybe my first proper prize, a beach hamper.

A year later was kicked out of home and lived in a hotel for a few months still on crutches.

A chunk of the inheritance went on the hotel fees and debts, the other was cab fares, I didn't really want to leave the hotel room and go outside, although I did get cabin fever a lot.

Then I moved in to my place and had to get cleaners, wooden flooring, blinds, furniture, and the utilities insisted I pay the previous tenants bills that he skipped out on.

So I ask you, is that a frivolous party lifestyle? Can you understand why I have a contentious relationship with both my parents??

I was forever hailed as the useless idiot overweight daughter. Too stupid to accomplish anything in their eyes.

Do you get now why I struggle to feel good about myself? Why I've worked so hard to be kind and supportive and boost my own ego?

Why I don't trust anyone? Why I never let anyone in or even close to me? Why I definitely do not date??

It took a lot of healing to get where I am now, and still I struggle.

Just one last thing that explains my love/hate relationship with my family.

Before she kicked me out, my Mama turned to me and said I blame you for your brother's behaviour.

You're a bad sister and that's why he is the way he is, stealing, abusive, hateful. It's all your fault.

You should have been a better person, a better example. She never once held them accountable, it was always me.

I was the despicable, evil, daughter/sister/human being. Do you know what it feels like to hear that constant disappointment?

To be looked upon as scum? Well that's what I grew up with, everyone piling on the hate for me, for simply daring to exist in their orbit.

It's no wonder I didn't want to exist either. That's all for today. I just don't want to think about it anymore, stay in the past where you belong.

Society seems to revere boys/men no matter how disgusting they are but women/girls are to be stepped on and humiliated.

That's why I want to champion females, lift them up, show them they aren't alone, their feelings are real and important and they can achieve anything they set their minds too.

If you are a female and you're reading this, You are a delight in any room you walk in too.

Hold your head up high, you are right where you belong :)

Why can't I stop adding to this post?

I think it's just slowly bringing up things I tried to forget.

As I spoke to Mama yesterday, I swallowed my irritation at something she said.

Oh I couldn't even mention lawyers/the incident/compensation to you.

I thought Do you know why??? I wanted desperately to forget, to cope, to battle the depression that was engulfing me from the inside out.

Each moment reliving it, panic attacks, shakes, waking up terrified I was still in that moment.

And all her friends wanted me to relieve an excruciating part of my life. Tactless!

But Mama wanted the compensation money to cover her debts that her sons bled gloatily ran up in her name proudly.

She didn't care how I felt, so after I had to go over it again with Police and lawyers, thankfully they said I didn't really have a case.

Inwardly I jumped for joy. Trauma is best left hidden until you have the strength to face it, Not when people bully you into it.

I could barely stand, walk or have it in me to face anyone, yet once again at my lowest point, I'm cornered and made to talk about what I went through.

And insensitive people congratulating me on living through it. I was a mess, that was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Living at home was still scary. The pain was unbearable and functions were limited, yet everyone wanted me to jump for joy.

To all of you that piled on to my self torture and self loathing...

Sighs, take a good hard look at yourself, think before you speak, be aware that battles are not always faced, conquered and finished with, some linger years/decades afterwards.

Don't expect someone to heal on your timeframe. Have some consideration people are protecting themselves and trying to focus elsewhere.

And for heaven's sake Ask what they feel comfy sharing, don't presume!!

You're doing more harm than good otherwise, take it from me, I'm still facing things as though it were a fresh occurrence.

Hopefully that's it and I can move on to today's post and not let brekkie/lunch get cold.

#BlogLfe894 - What's up with Youtube these days?

The Youtube site is crashing so much on the laptop but playing fine on the phone, it's so frustrating.

Sometimes I need to be able to play multiple videos, anti nausea, music, asmr and I can't do that on the phone, I love my white noises played in the background, else it's too quiet.

I need to block things out. I just tried the Cheez It crisps I got complimentary with yesterday's cafe order.

I wasn't sure about cheese and chilli but actually it was mildish, not too overpowering, the more you ate, the hotter it got but it was bearable.

Crunchy, not too salty, not overloaded with cheese either. It reminded me of a dorito but nicer. I would recommend it but in a different flavour, my face is still warm, the tingle has gone though.

Ooh we finally got post this week and it's already Wednesday, after five days the AaproMel eye drops arrived.

I don't know this brand and it doesn't say if it's suitable for contact lens users or rgp/hard lenses but I'll have a go anyway.

The price was fabulous, 3 mini bottles for a fiver, they are usually a couple quid each.

Us hard lens people are supposed to get rewetting drops which are super pricey.

These just state they are lubricating. I just tried it as my eyes have been excessively dry and it didn't sting for one, woop.

Some do and it's horrible for already sensitive frayed eyes, plus it didn't seem too thin or to thick, it's the right consistency.

If it's too thin it doesn't always feel like it's giving any benefits, but also if it's too thick, it's just making you cry and lose any soothingness.

I usually see what it on offer, so far so good. My eyes feel a lot more comfy, not dry or itchy anymore.

I'll use them some more and then give some proper feedback, I was just dying to try them out.

Ooh one of the newer randoms, only spoken to him 3/4 times, ditched me last night mid-chat, that was unusual.

One minute flowing, the next he stopped responding and to be fair it was late.

But I saw him again and he didn't apologise just said Hi and I replied, that I wasn't talking to him.

So he said that actually he fell asleep and didn't see my messages so that was just a misunderstanding.

The only thing suspicious about him was that he made this remark like good to see you again, glad we're talking.

And before that, we had only talked once before and it ended pleasantly so either he mean't that or he's someone I blocked under a different nickname but he's well mannered so it's fine for now.

#BlogLife893 - Sneaky brainwave

A very pleasing thought appeared in my head, UC says the course is online, I say it's offline, I should just apply.

Crap unless I'm going mad again, it did say online. I have a feeling there were 2, and one was offline and maybe this is online.

Actually this seems self paced and didn't mention webcams. I'm not doing the coding, sod that, I did see a customer service one, will apply for that instead.

That should keep the idiot happy, sorry not a fan of name calling but he really is, getting on my nerves.

Ooh that was strange, I just got a call/message from the landlord and I thought hmm, they finally texted to say they wanted me to call back regarding updating records.

I screen my calls because of randoms/scammers so I won't pick up, unless I am expecting a call.

I actually thought it was to do with the surveyor visit, but phew nope.

She asked me peculiar questions, I was half expecting her to ask my sexual orientation (straight) or ethnicity (censored)....  ha.

But maybe they aren't legally allowed to ask certain things? Who knows or cares?!

What was my religion? None, she asked if I was an atheist? Nope, just not religious.

Whether I had disabilities? Yes, she surprisingly didn't press me on what those were.

What languages I spoke? Just English and I think that was it. I never admit that I studied multiple languages because they blend into each other.

I'm terrible with confusing languages. I studied, German, Spanish, Italian, that was it, most were for maybe a year or under.

But German was I think 5 years, to start we had the greatest teacher but she left, and my enthusiasm for it depleted.

At first it was exotic and exciting. Ooh how cultural am I? Knowing another language, speaking it was a lil easier, when it came to writing, I got muddled.

My accent is probably poor but certain phrases like the greetings stuck in my head, hello, goodbye, hobbies, that's interesting, stuff like that and also the numbers.

There didn't seem to be an option during the landlord's questions to say, Mind your business or why are you asking or can I refuse to answer??!!

Again not a fan of personal questions or trying to be pigeon-holed into a neat lil bow.

But it was quick, as she promised.

I really do think that growing up as I did, being told daily that I was a dummy affected my learning and confidence in my abilities to my detriment.

I think I just assumed Why bother? You're too stupid to grasp it, studying is pointless.

So I didn't make the effort as I should have done. My self esteem continued plummeting.

And even now I worry I just won't understand it and I'm going to look foolish and everyone will laugh at my expense.

I shouldn't think like that but I do. Words are hard to shake off, especially when you've spent your entire life hearing them.

People are disappointed easily or expect you to be perfect or different to who you innately are, that's a lot to live up too, even if I did care, which I do not anymore.

I'm not sure why I was the poster child for everything wrong, but again I attribute it to being quiet so an easy target, full of misconceptions, Oh she's not talking because she's brainless.

No the reason I'm not talking is because I'm listening to you talk crap about me, to my face and I'm waiting for the day I can ditch you without an explanation.

Anyway now that I have a plan on what to do next, I feel better. Ooh that was quick, I got an update, the course says I'm not eligible, not the right area woop woop.

I can now tell him that and in my head say, Take that information and shove it!! :)