#BlogLife917 - Unwanted

I don't really want to talk, I want to bury my emotions but my brain is super chatty and doesn't want to listen.

This word, unwanted is circling around and around. It's saying to me, Listen even your own family doesn't want to be around you.

It's hurtful, it makes me sad and depressed and just I guess that feeling of being unlovable returns..

Like hell, something about me is just sooooo disgusting that no-one is ever going to care about me, let alone love me.

I cannot get rid of it, and the worse people treat me, the more it reinforces that belief.

But at least the tears are coming out freely and that's what I was after because later on, hopefully I'll start to heal and feel better about myself.

Right now though I still feel awful. Talking to Mama is like talking to thin air, she just didn't grasp that I purposely do not want to spend time with her, talk to her, be around her....

I want her to recognise that she's continually doing me harm. The funny thing is, if I sent her a link to this blog, she'd be like...

Errr yea I'll get to it, probably a year would pass and she'd be like, didn't you send me something, send it again?

The new random BB/P is probably reaching his limit with me, because I'm not flirting and I can't shake this downcast mood.

I think I'm losing my appetite but still munching because otherwise my stomach hurts like hell.

Comfort food is not healthy it's what I am doing right now. I'm still in post birthday month mood, so I ordered Chinese.

I've never tried or seen chicken wonton dumpling soup, I think it's been pork, I hope it doesn't contain red meat, but something different to try.

There was a discount so that helped. I'm trying not to repeat myself, certain themes are recurring and that's fine.

I'll always need to purge it when it crops up. Growing up I was told to swallow my needs and take care of everyone else's, whether they respected me or not.

So I find it really challenging to stick up for myself and say, Umm, this is what I need because usually, nobody cares frankly.

Mama received part of her gift, the truffles arrived and she called and texted to thank me.

I'm glad the phone was on the charger, so I didn't see or hear it.

I haven't gotten back to her. I don't want to sweep it under the carpet, even though I feel like I'm being selfish and over the top and spiteful for no reason.

Except there is a reason. I'm not ready to talk to her yet. It's just getting increasingly difficult to forgive and tolerate this despicable behaviour.

I'm not a priority and worse than that, she'd rather deal with tedium than get back to me.

It's like someone telling you all your life, I'm forced to deal with you but I'm not happy about it.

So what I'll keep doing is deal with everything minor, keep you waiting and then with no notice and consideration, demand you ignore everyone but me.

I don't care about your plans, your schedule, what else you are putting off, so you can visit me, none of that matters.

Just drop everything and do as I say and remember with anyone else, I'll be kinder.

I'll welcome give and take. I'll give them lots of notice but because I've always treated like a doormat....

I don't need to respect you because you'll always do what I say and not question it and give me grief about it.

That's how I feel and what's making this worse is my right leg is suddenly in oodles of pain walking around.

So physically and emotionally, I continue to feel bad. There's never any point talking to Mama.

But I hope deep down she idly wonders, if things are okay between us.

Silence seems petty but there is no damn closure. I reckon she would deny everything.

Actually she probably wouldn't even listen. I want to be over this mood and forget that family has always treated me this way.

That I've always struggled with my confidence and feeling good about myself, accepting myself as I am.

I want to cheer myself up and turn things around and then the other side is like....

Why bother, no-one will care, no-one will value you. Don't self improve, don't write, give up and stay lost.

I want to stay open to how my emotions are playing out. Good or bad.

It's important to vocalise them. I'm a lil all over the place, I get that.

Two sides of me are battling. Hmm this mood will pass when it's good and ready, not a second sooner.

Just have to add this in, the chicken wonton was delicious, lots of flavours, not too salty, was in the same chicken and noodle style soup.

I don't think there was that much maybe 4? But they were huge, like pierogis style pastry.

Soft and light and moreish. I'm happy I tried them, no red meat woop.

I know you're supposed to be sensible and not turn to food but honestly I feel so much better.

I just keep thinking this weekend at Mama's we usually have Chinese food so it was inevitable..

I wonder if the only way to feel better is to reply or call her but I'm still not ready.

I still have her number saved but I deleted the text chain conversation.

I think I'm so used to making things ok for her, letting her get away with talking to me/behaving around me callously, that it doesn't feel right to step back.

I've always bitten my tongue to protect her feelings, even though she doesn't do that for me.

At this point I'm afraid of what I'll blurt out.