#BlogLife916 - Crazy Self Therapy 10 - Breaking point reached

Hey Doc....... Guess who? Did you think you saw the last of me? Not bloody likely..

SS is that you? Wasn't our last session in August, I assumed you were cured. Ha just kidding, I got bills to pay. What's new?

Umm I don't know where to begin, I'm always a lil sensitive around my birthday which just passed and normally me and Mama celebrate together..

But this year, she just cast me aside, to let the other sibling come down and ruin the celebrations.

July is normally our month and there was no reason for him to be there, except to disrupt our plans.

I tried to swallow this irritation and say Ok, well it's only postponed a lil, it's not completely cancelled.

Alright SS, sounds like it bothered you more than you let on, why is that?

Because I've lived with my needs always being trampled on, like it's not important and I'm sick of it.

I don't get on with the other family members as they are too violent and scary to deal with.

I don't ask for much but July should have been the time for us. Instead she's like blah blah sure he can come down.

You know what SS? Ummmm come down later instead...

Again I wish for once in my life, she would have fought for me and said No, you travel here in August, let her have July.

She's never picked up for me? Why should it be any different now?

SS What is different about this time?

I don't know actually. The resentment is just growing and I feel like I'm tired of being treated like I don't matter.

I'm trying to finalise the plans to see her and for 2 days she's completely ignoring me.

But it's like when she's ready or needs something, She'll say drop everything cater to me.

On the third day, now, she calls and I stare at the phone, thinking, I'll change earbuds and answer, though I don't want too.

I do pick it up, but it's rung off at this point and I realise, I have no earthly wish to talk to her.

She couldn't be bothered to call on my birthday and arrange things.

I've never successfully confronted her about how she treats me.

She doesn't listen and take it on.

What happened next?

After feeling neglected and like her lowest priority, once again. I don't feel like a daughter, more like an acquaintance at times.

I allowed myself to get angry. Why do I let her get away with treating me like worthless garbage?

I realised that I didn't want to spend time with her and make it okay.

I wanted to stick up for myself so this is what I texted her a while later.... (no reply)..

I don't feel like coming down anymore so if the other twit isn't there for Christmas I'll see you then, if not next year.

That's pretty huge for you. I know you don't like confrontation. Do you regret being harsh and blunt?

I probably should right? But it feels too glorious, to put my needs, my wellbeing first, for this one time.

To show that, Hey, I have feelings, I'm only going to put up with so much and then I'll snap.

I almost feel guilty for not towing the line and accepting this usual mistreatment but then I remember how much her actions damage my self esteem.

It's really not okay for someone to keep on acting the way they harmfully do, without repercussions.

Relationships are very messy indeed. What do you think her response will eventually be?

I personally guarantee, she will sweep it under the carpet and say, OK, no problem, see you at Christmas.

One thing I did do, which I don't usually. I typically avoid the randoms but I was annoyed and sad, so I said to BB/P..

Bit of an overshare. Do you ever get tired of being treated like you're nothing?

And I wasn't expecting a response. I thought he'd be like whoaa stick to the flirting babe.

But he said...

I have definitely felt that way before yes.

So I eventually got a blase response....

No, he's gone anyway. I can always see you for pedi. Talk soon.

Just leaves me with an empty feeling, like talking to a brick wall.

She didn't even read the text properly, I didn't ask if he was still there, I mentioned Christmas time.

*Rolls eyes*

If there's nothing else. Can I just say, I'm proud of your continued progress, recognising your self worth.

Standing up and confronting the family that you feel most afraid off.

You clearly don't want to hurt them but with this continued growth you're recognising soul destroying patterns and saying Hang on, I object to this disrespect.

All I see is a positive difference, you might not see it, but you're getting stronger.

Years ago, you wouldn't have said anything. Today you're vocalising your hurt.

Keep going SS. I want to see more....

#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I am nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?

#BlogLife633 - Crazy Self Therapy 8 - Split body personality? 18+

Song of the day - Faouzia/John Legend - Minefields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P12elIHd2e8&list=WL&index=41

Hey Doc I feel different as though I'm just now awakened or aware of something. 

Maybe it's the same for everyone who has admitted what they've been through in the past and brought it out into the open so it lives and breathes and becomes real.

Instead of hidden and pseudo forgotten as though it happened but it didn't and the weight of it had been dismissed for so long that it held no power until now..

One of the randoms inadvertently addressed it. I get called boring and weird because I don't always flirt back or welcome being touched.

And it always tends to annoy me because aside from that side of the things, I can be amusing or intellectual or interesting but that doesn't seem to matter or get acknowledged.

It's not the same for everyone but during my cycle I may get spicy feelings.

I've read steamy stories because it's not my genre it's easier to follow and not re-write, although these still seem to be targeted at men.

There are no prolonged details or much emotion affixed to them.

I've had very flirty chats and some are romanticised and some are amusing or more realistic than others.

But there is always this split personality quarreling inside or saying I should be solely this side or that.

Let's break them apart, the intellectual, the productive, the responsible one we will call SS.

The more daring, more romantic, more mingly side, we will call Fem.

I can have a smart conversation and my brain feels satisfied and that my time has not been wasted.

But maybe something is missing? The same goes with a light or deeper flirty get together.

I definitely eventually miss my mind being stimulated. That's so strange.

I had a dual interaction which is rare. He wasn't disrespectful, just seemed a bit troubled, D let's call him.

I wouldn't say he was depressed and monopolising the conversation, he seemed very intelligent and kind really.

It was only a short chat but I enjoyed it. He was lightly flirtatious but then so was I.

I don't normally enjoy playing therapist but he was easy to talk too.

I think I helped in a small way and I don't often get those interactions that cater to the brain and the body.

I feel like a pretender, as though I swept everything under the carpet and just told myself I was okay.

Crazy self therapy has definitely helped address these issues that I buried deep inside.

I don't know how much of this to share, a woman's sexuality just seems like a taboo subject still.

I think if you grow up normal and have standard relationships, than it's easy to migrate to a physical and cope with it.

If you're someone like me though, who grew up thinking there was something wrong with myself, who had this constant target on my back, from others telling me I didn't measure up..

To their standard of beauty or intelligence or popularity, it messes with your head and confidence.

I have dreams and fantasies and those are great for fiction, most don't go into story-form but snippets might.

But still the thought of being physical with a man, puts me into a state of panic.

I think I've realised it's not so much nerves, it's definitely fear of being in a situation that I'm not in control of.

That part of me, when I'm not hormonal, feels dead. My body is just shut down and I trace it back to the 17yr old me.

I don't know how to get past it and I'm not sure I want too.

But I'm still a woman and not flirting back, doesn't take that away.

Me, again your ever faithful Doc. I don't always comment on your sessions but for this one I wanted too.

You know this already but I'm going to say it again. You know why they call you dull and uninteresting?

You're strong willed and don't just go with the flow, you speak your mind and some men can't handle that.

They don't want to look internally and fix what might be wrong, so they lash out at you, out of frustration and blame you for their failings.

As for what you went through in your past and still struggle with today, I hate to repeat myself but it is perfectly normal.

People deal with things in their own way, using different methods.

You don't have a supportive network so you didn't get to vent about it, you didn't get to cry it out and be raw and comforted.

You had to keep it hidden and just paper over it and pretend to heal in order to move forwards.

Now you have the time to air it out and it's still going to take time to confront all that has happened.

But I truly believe eventually you will feel better and get to a place where you'll never quite forget it but neither will it have a stranglehold on you as intensely as before.

Keep being brave and talking about all the things you couldn't.

Trust your instincts, always be comfortable and aware of your surroundings and if you have to leave, know that, it's not because you are a coward, it's because you're strong enough to do what's best to not endure more toxicity.