I feel empty (fiction)

I pick up a pen to write and nothing pours out. I get up and walk outside, unencumbered by possessions such as my bag filled with a purse or phone.

I stuff my keys into my pocket and stride purposely forward but to where and in what direction? I do want to communicate. I want to put my words out for you to see..

I just can't right now. I'm back to pulling away and shutting down. I feel like a robot just getting on and doing what needs to be done.

I just don't feel like me. My phone has been off for days now and every time I look at it I feel guilty. You're just not what I need right now.

Hell I am totally clueless as to what will help me. I need to get it done. I need to close that part of me that almost feels adrift. Every single time I talk to you...

My mask slips back in place. My tone changes. I pretend I'm happy. Content and not sick or in pain. I don't showcase my fears.

I feel trapped inside myself. My mind switches between my teenage years, twenties and thirties. My body feels a hundred years old.

I can't sit comfortably. I don't even have the capacity to lay out in peace. If I close my eyes, there is nothing but the sound of the wind howling.

I continue treading along this unfamiliar path but I feel like all I am doing is chasing shadows. Talking to myself helps but surrounding myself with you doesn't.

Why is that? Why don't you help? You don't have the time? You have your own problems? Blah blah blah.. That is why I don't bother to let the deception slip.

Even if you cared. I don't have the strength to explain it. It's not that I mind being alone or not having anyone dependable that truly knows me..

It is the fact that I resent it. I hate that bad people have a whole support system and people to listen endlessly and I don't.

I never did. I think about death, dying and aging constantly. I wonder about who will take care of me when I can't manage? I wonder if the pain will go back to being unbearable?

I contemplate whether I will go back to screaming all night because it doesn't stop. It doesn't let me be. Will the nightmares and panic attacks hit harder??

I'm sick of reliving it and I am tired of feeling this way. There is no outlet or release. I sit down on a bench and rest. I pull out a lighter and flick it on and off until I burn my fingers and drop it.

I close my eyes again and all I see is the flame burning brightly. It is spreading and raging and now there is no controlling it.

If I trusted you. Here is what I would say. I miss talking to you. At one point there was a connection there. We supported each other.

Now I no longer feel that way. It's different. Things have changed. We still catch up but superficially. I have never expected you to drop everything for me.

However I thought we would have stayed closer than we are now considering how much we have in common. I don't feel I can talk to you anymore, which is a shame.

I did try. Back then I thought I could fix it. I made the effort and dialled your number. You never called back but a while later you would text. It wasn't even weekly. It was monthly if that.

Do you know how much that irritated me when you kept saying anytime is fine to call. Every single time I did. You never returned it.

It's like you went from being friendly to acting like a ghost. Did I do something? I don't think I'm the problem. I never hog the conversation and I have always supported you.

You are just one of those people that is there but isn't at the same time. The walls we put up, now match. You don't share and neither do I.

I just let you initiate contact now. Why do I always feels as though I ask too much, when the only thing I want is an occasional chat???

I'm done taking the blame. It's not me. It's you. Why do I keep investing in people? They are never worth my time. Either they latch on to me or they don't voice anything.

Why can't there be a middle ground? Is there nobody normal left? I walk back home. Turn my phone on, dial your number and then push the phone into the bath I'm running.

Now I'm disconnecting from you!

I pour oils and let loose a few bath bombs. I then add Radox until the water turns blue. It's a beautiful sight. Foam edges around the sides and perfume fills the space.

I sit on the edge of the bath and twirl my finger around the dissolving bombs. If I am meant to be alone then so be it. At least I will always find my own tranquility.