Misunderstandings

I lingered and bumped into you tonight. You were the farthest thing from my mind but there you stood cheerily saying hello and I felt so guilty.

I just blurted it out. I didn't want to be acquaintances anymore. You were shocked but you just quickly composed yourself and nodded alright.

I know that wasn't what you were expecting or maybe deep down you realised I just couldn't take your silence any longer. I explained though that I wanted more.

Crikey I just realised we spent about two freaking hours saying goodbye. That is insanity. I hate long endings but I just didn't know the right words to say adios.

I talk, you listen. You don't talk and I wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't lie to myself and say I'm content when I'm not. You thought we were both purposely elusive and that was our agreement.

In the beginning maybe it was. Over a year later though or is it two years off and on? I wanted more of you. I was curious about what was happening in your life.

You were one of my most favourite people to see and engage with but the other side of it was nothingness. I want to call you my friend but you aren't.

I hate you for making me laugh and smile just like old times. You weren't furious or resentful just surprised. We slipped back into the familiar pattern of teasing each other.

On one hand it is all so easy and straightforward. There is a line that says casual conversations and everything else is forbidden.

Would it have killed you to open up a bit more? What hurt the most is you were still trying to keep in touch. You still wanted to talk if only in short bursts.

You said I was harsh. That you would still leave it up to me to decide. That you would be there if I ever wanted to say hi or talk a bit.. 

I just cannot. It's all or nothing and I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm telling you. I am eradicating you from my life completely.

I am going to miss you so much. I didn't know you but the little I did I liked. You can't ask me to stop wanting more and accept you and then still distance yourself from me. 

I laid it all out for you and I knew you weren't going to suddenly say. I had no idea. Let me start with the little things. I had zero hope.

It was so difficult to face you and tell you all this. I can't have a half hearted friend. It kills me too much. I wanted you in my life but not like this.

I'm bravely standing up and setting the terms for what I want and what will make me happy. I don't have many people in my life.

I know I keep them at a distance. I test them. I run from them. I give only a brief glimpse until I know them better or they have passed my tests.

I do it to protect myself and my heart. I don't want to invest in someone that isn't a keeper. Somehow you slipped through. I doubt you'll even think about me after tonight.

You'll shrug it off. You won't have any regrets. It's going to hurt to see you though. I made the right choice. There is nothing wrong with craving something more meaningful.

There is no turning back now J. Damn you. 

Wraps my arms tightly around you and holds you close. Kisses you cheek and then walks off hurriedly without looking back.

Waves my hand and whispers Goodbye.