#BlogLife32 - Gripped by panic

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I suffer from PTSD and that I worry a lot in general. This morning I was due to have a stressful phone call..

Something that I perceived would concern me. My morning was going smoothly. I slightly missed my alarm but I woke up feeling refreshed and energised.

No haunting bad dreams which makes me sweat and become really afraid. There was none of that. I was even having a good hair day, it just fell together and made me happy I have a shorter hairdo.

I was running the bath that I cannot sit in because I would struggle to get up. I call it a shower-bath because although I don't have the shower head overhanging I have to use a jug and cleanse that way..

The phone starts ringing and the first thing I do is have a mini laugh and explain that I have to turn the tap off in case I forget it.

She is understanding and nothing she asks causes me any concern, whatsoever. I can reply with suitable responses and it's all smooth sailing.

But that initial worry is still there, until the conversation ends. It made me think about all the times, I got myself worked up, over nothing.

My day feels packed and I start thinking. How am I going to do all of this today? I have this, that and the other. The anxiety starts to build and then I just take a breathe.

I think hold on. Take a minute. What is the priority here? What needs to get completed first? I scroll the list mentally, pick out something and get on with it calmly.

I realise that it is just common sense and most people probably just do that anyway but it genuinely helps me to have a lil pep conversation and talk myself through the steps of what I need to do.

I had a mini shopping spree. I bought new headphones, hair bobbles and bedlinen. I was looking for my leave in conditioner.

I have three of them and the one I hate is all that I could find. Grr. I didn't really have time to experiment with the curlers but I will on a leisurely day.

PTSD is not something I wanted to acknowledge. I hated the word and denied it for a long time. After what happened to me. I figured I may or may not possess it.

After a while the fear was out of control. I was struggling to breathe. I felt dizzy and I felt so weak. I was desperate for sleep but every time I closed my eyes, I just relived everything.

I tried unsuccessfully to forget it. To live in denial and just shake the feeling out of me but it was impossible. The moment I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted it..

Was the time that I helped myself. I thought I should stop being a drama queen. People have real experiences and have lived through horrors.

What I went through was no picnic but I convinced myself it was somehow....less than what others have gone through. Pretty soon afterwards I discovered asmr and soothing music/headphones help in that moment.

It's like being blind or blinded. My vision gets hazy and I can't move and I feel unsteady as though if I don't hold onto something I'm going to collapse.

If you are struggling, try and get to a quiet place and just if possible, inhale, hold it and then slowly exhale. Repeat that until you feel whole again.