#BlogLife30 - Forgiving Myself update

I'm sorry for the lack of BlogLife yesterday but I had a bit of a crisis and made some decisions. I was really slack about contributing to the blog previously but now I'm making more of an effort to regularly post.

At the weekends I'm not going to put pressure on myself to publish something. If it happens then great, if not, that is acceptable also.

I've chosen to not write anymore Ramo commentaries for a few reasons. When I first started them I got significant views and nowadays they have really petered off.

I was kinda hoping it would spark off a discussion about the show with other fans. Also for the amount of thought and details I put into it..

It was sooo time consuming. The episodes are about two hours long and I can't munch while I'm typing. I have to keep pausing it to add the details and sometimes I have to replay bits.

It's just not worth it when hardly anyone is reading them. I'm sorry for those that enjoyed them and I've made my peace with whoever wants to unfollow and no longer read my blog.

It's a shame but it's life. What happened on Saturday is still haunting me because I haven't ever done it before. I left the bath running and forgot about it.

I can't believe I was that careless. Is it due to my age? Am I losing my faculties? Was it a simple mistake? I get distracted so easily.

Luckily there was no damage and the floor is practically dry now but I am still replaying it and I can't stop beating myself up over it.

I've done a lot of silly things and I tend to focus on the negative, rather than the positive and I'm attempting to stop. I've made progress.

Days like yesterday though are a setback. It could have been so much worse. I didn't burn my hand reaching in to unplug the bath but I did hurt it.

It just reminds me of the time I was making samosas and I got bored standing there so I went next door and was reading a magazine.

I don't know what alerted me but when I went back in the kitchen I just saw flames and the thing was, I knew how to put the fire out but it was like my brain was frozen..

Or my reactions were non existent. I just panicked and ending up reaching out to my neighbour who sorted it out for me. My mama was livid and the firemen were sympathetic to me but I just fell apart over it.

As furious as my mama was, nothing she could say or do even came close to how I berated myself. It took me a long time to rationalise my error.

I have never thought of myself as perfect but when there is a lifetime of criticism, then any single mistakes are just exacerbated that much more.

It doesn't help that people, especially my parents kept reminding me of my mistakes and having a laugh about it. It wasn't a fun time for me.

However at least I own up to things. I decided I have had enough of being laughed at, instead of with, so now every time it happens. I just pretend I have no recollection of it.

My face turns totally passive and the other person can't believe it. I maintain it, the joke dies very quickly and it is brought to my attention less and less. The power is gone.

My humiliation is buried. I think I am going to try something new. *Holds hand up* I admit I did something wrong. I did not do it on purpose. I am regretful. 

I wish it had not have happened but it did. Now I am going to try and move on from it.

I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to celebrate the joys of being me :)