#BlogLife35 - Dear Bully 3

"You held my self-esteem in your hands and you crushed it." 

I love this quote from This Is Us, the television show. There are so many pieces from sitcoms that speak to me. I know it's just fiction but I feel like some issues I just hide, even from myself.

The character Kate was in an emotionally abusive relationship and as an older woman, she tracks him down and says things she never did before. 

She confronted her bully and I never will. She had one person that destroyed her confidence. I had everyone and everything that did it for me.

Why?

I'll never know why I was the brunt of these attacks. All I do know is that I was quiet and for that reason, onlookers perceived me as being harmless and ignorant.

They didn't realise I was observing and taking it all in and processing it, in my own way. I never wasted my time, correcting them.

I just rode out the assumption. I opted to hide the power they had over me and not let them see the effects. I may have taken the abuse..

But I refused to let them see how far the destruction was unfolding. It started with my immediate family. They took joy from highlighting my mistakes.

Then it was my aunts and cousins. They just had an opinion on everything, my love life, my appearance..

I love how people close to you, try to mask cruel words with "helpful advice."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you but......."

"You really need to........."

"I don't think this but other people.........."

"Look, it's none of my business but........"

Here is my opinion. Hold your tongue, unless you are genuinely, with a heart full of love, trying to help. Most of the time..

I don't even think information is needed. People just need time to process the events and come to terms with a course of action.

When I think back over my dating history. I kept it all internal. There are only a few accounts where I remember boiling over and screaming.

I know on those occasions I didn't have deep feelings. Those guys were distractions, a way to fill the time where I was away from home.

I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that it was unacceptable and I felt disrespected. I recall feeling nervous and a lil fearful but anger took over.

I had the last word and then left abruptly before they could react. I'm going to recount some instances where I have been terrified.

Back in College I turned up for class and the tutor who always zeroed in on me kept coming in and out of the room. There was no-one else around.

I think people had decided to skip and I figured, I was there to learn so might as well show up. I was looking out the window and I just said..

"Why do you keep leaving and returning?"

Instead of being a professional. His reply was..

"Because I'm afraid to be left alone in a room with you, I might try/do something."

I tensed up so much. I don't know if he was joking or not. The door was open and I wanted to run but I couldn't. Once again I was trapped and freaked out.

I didn't want to be in close proximity to him. Walking out, would have mean't passing him by.

Nothing happened but after that I started avoiding him and I just hardly showed up to his classes. He tracked me down and said I needed to make up a paper.

I would be in his office, all alone, just me and him. I begged a friend to tag along but she had other priorities. Once again, there wasn't anything horrific but I was panicking.

I completed the assignment and left. I remember seeing him on the bus and he smiled at me and I just turned away disgusted.

He cracked a joke. 

"Pah typical. You see that, some people failed my class and avoid me."

I wanted to correct him but I couldn't. My tongue dissolves in these situations. I told my mama and she said I should report him but I didn't.

It was my word against his and it is humiliating to share something, where the response is unsympathetic.

There are way more harassment stories but it is going to have to wait because this post is going on too much.

He was a creep and should have been accountable!