#BlogLife255 - The girl trapped inside herself

I wasn't sure if I would publish something today. I wanted too but my thoughts wouldn't form anything on a particular subject. I've just been thinking about when I first moved, well kicked out was the accurate term.

Home was some sort of captivity but it was the only place that I knew. I went for daytime and evening walks just to escape the threats that lived and breathed in the air.

When I was younger dating seemed normal and elusive at the same time. Nobody objected to it but I was secretive all the same.

I started dating to feel like everyone else. I still didn't know myself that well but I figured in the right company, it would start to unfold of it's own accord..

I don't think it did though. I recall phone conversations being far deeper than any date I encountered. I don't recall telling anyone about the junkies at home or the constant verbal abuse.

I may have mentioned that I was unhappy at home and that I would rather be outdoors than at home with them. I guess in the beginning I was waiting to be loved and cherished, to be missed.

When that didn't happen and I was groped or shamed or mocked.. I somewhat settled for that. It didn't hurt as much as it was coming from strangers that I had no feelings for.

When my friends and family readily did it, that was different, it was personal then and I felt the jagged barbs.

I don't know if potential suitors picked up on my sensitivities or they didn't care enough to disguise their insults but I dated the same sorts of personalities continuously.

Liars, cheaters, verbal abusers, man-handlers. I soon gave up on the idea of love and finding someone that would genuinely want to look out for me.

Dating instead became like oxygen. A nice reprieve wherever I could get it. Home was suffocating but I couldn't seem to leave it.

I did want to feel emotionally tied but there just wasn't any feelings. It was just some sort of emotional life-line.

I compare myself to others and feel like I am over-reacting but like PTSD it builds over time.

When I did hole up in a hotel for a few months while my place was getting prepared. It was a strange time. I was still recovering.

The pain was still fresh, walking was challenging and the panic attacks were more gripping. 

I felt this distance and freedom all at once, part of me wanted to party and the other side was terrified still.

I set aside dating because I didn't need to do it anymore. It was an exhausting horror show.

Would he show up?

Would I like him?

Would he like me?

Would he assault me?

I decided I would rather date myself instead. There was someone that seemed to track my number down, no matter how many times I changed it.

He was good and evil wrapped in a prickly bow. Nice when I wasn't challenging him and his obvious fabrications but when I tired of the charade, then he turned psychotic.

Out came the threats and I had my numbers changed the following day. I don't know if he attempted to contact me again. 

I blocked all unknown numbers and decided he had served his purpose.

For all the friends that I had that knew this depressing mood festered inside of me, none of them really understood me and took the time too but he did.

Although he didn't see all of me. I did let him in a bit. I do know that blogging helped me get in tough with what was happening inside my mind and heart.

I was very jaded and began to resent being there for people, when the same sentiment wasn't returned.

It wasn't okay and I severed ties, one by one. I should have doubts but I felt weightless. Not dragged down by their burdens and having to give advice.

I fully admit meeting someone still fills me with dread. Whether it's emotional or physical violence... I just feel too tired to hold this guard up and shield myself.

Who will love the unlovable?

I will, for I do love myself now. I understand myself more and the pain and tears that bubble to the surface mingling as one.

I took this time for me, part of it was self healing and the other bit was curiosity.

Thus Raving Insomniac, Firecracker, Curvyst and many others were born and thrived 

:)