#BlogLife256 - Maybe if I had grown up differently..

 It's like I'm just realising now how much I wanted to be considered as a regular girl in everybody's eyes.

I was still young and trying to forge some paths ahead but no matter where I turned I didn't fit in.

I no longer care and am proud of that fact but before I wanted to build an identity because I didn't have one and it seemed like everytime I tried to carve something, it was verbally harangued out of me.

I thought if anyone would see me in a new light it would be a future boyfriend. I wasn't keen on the notion of soul mates.

People wander in and out of each others lives so frequently, why not have a few people that are truly suited out of everybody?

Some guys I met while I was out, some online and some just seemed to appear but it turned into which hell is better?

Being with them, the mis-truths and unfaithfulness or being at home and unable to find peace.

Dating should have been exciting and full of butterflies but it was some sort of survival.

I figured eventually one of them would turn from a frog to a gentleman....

There were walks, movies, dinners, dances. Aspects of it were tolerable but there wasn't a safe space to let someone in.

My heart got locked somewhere and my mind became suspicious of kind acts.

I did want to share but these dates, these men didn't get me. The girl who battled to be seen.

Who was fiercely fighting to not hate herself, each day. The only thing I gave them, 5 of them to be precise, was my body.

My hormones were raging and I thought it wouldn't be so bad to indulge in something with no heart or feelings involved.

I wanted them to care but they didn't and I actually didn't either. It was still a way to escape being at home.

I figured in this instance I'll be fulfilling a different stage in my life, as most did.

Something to tick off a checklist as crazy as that sounds. I should have waited but then noone special did come around anyway.

I would have been a very ancient virgin. No thanks. It wasn't good or satisfying but it settled a part of my essence that deep down considered myself unwanted.

Dating and sex became screwed up literally, instead of being like the love songs written about it.

I'm not sure how to have an open heart anymore, it's too broken. I'm just better suited alone, where the safe space is all around me and I'm free to divulge as lil or as much as I choose.