#BlogLife412 - Morning chill

I know I know, technically it's the afternoon but I'm still on morning time. I didn't have the greatest sleep.

I kept waking every few hours for some reason. I did try and go to bed early but it just didn't take.

I did get blocks of sleep though maybe that's why I feel alright. I have to try and stop scratching my face and near my eyes but it still feels soo icky.

It's a strange thing that happens. I wake up, wash my face and I feel it and it seems back to it's normal smoothness and then probably five minutes later, it's back to it's horrible roughness.

I can't wait for the treats to arrive, tracking hasn't moved much, it's not with Hermes yet but it's the busy season so I might not get it this week after all.

We'll see. I'm sorry that the Christmas theme/template didn't work out, I saw a bunch and got excited but two hours later, nothing panned out.

They just didn't look good or didn't display correctly so they were unusable. If I get a temporary new one I'm not sure if it will be festive..

I'll keep searching but it's hard to get free ones and then I have to edit them and remove repeated bits and get rid of the labels as I hate how that looks.

The Twitter feed was lost and I've forgotten how to replace that, I know it's a simple thing and I'll google it at some point but for now I have other things to do.

I don't think I can finish any stories. After I complete all my daily tasks I'm exhausted, I mean mentally as well as physically and I need some energy to write.

As I've said before, BlogLife writes itself so that's easy and takes no effort so it's more doable than composing stories.

I was thinking today about family and boundaries. At a certain point I saw relatives in an unflattering light and that was a sad day as I had always given them the benefit of the doubt.

Now I barely talk to any of them. I think it's just the ongoing disrespect, they treated my niceness as though I were a fool and I hate that.

One such example is when I stopped talking to my older brother and the cousins kept asking continuously how he was doing and what he was up too...

He was their favourite because he was just as snarky and falsely confident as they were so he fit in to their clique.

I know that I wasn't sure of myself or outspoken but I always tried to be helpful and polite.

Anyway I got increasingly angry and frustrated when they hammered me about his well being.

Eventually I just said.. "Look I don't talk to him, you know this, if you want to know how he is, contact him directly and find out for yourself and stop asking me."

As they always without fail acted surprised at my reaction, when I had been repeating the same speech!!

Their so-called innocent response was always..... "Well I was just making small talk and asking."

Ugh but they knew I had a fractured relationship with him and yet pleaded ignorance just because they all had close knit bonds with their siblings.

I mean that's great for you and I freely admit I was jealous as hell, to have that nurturing healthy interaction and someone that looked out for you.

I tried to reach a numerous amount of my cousins but they just didn't see me in a good light, they were hyper critical of everything I said and did so it wasn't a good atmosphere for my psyche.

I guess it just reminds me of Dictator (who has been weirdly silent for a week and a half now).

He routinely asks about my health but it's not a caring enquiry at all, it's a habitual question.

If I ask you how you are today? I care about what your answer is and my reaction will go according to that.

When I tell the truth and say, I'm really hurting today, I feel dizzy or sore or whatever.

His face is shocked with surprise............ "Really???? Sorry to hear that!!"

He knows I'm poorly but it's the mock sincerity and he's the one that causes me pain in the first place.

I would rather he just not be fake or sarcastic or whatever it is he's doing and just get on with the appointment and discuss my progress.

While I was putting on my lenses another memory popped into my head, I don't think I've shared this one, forgive me if I have..

My friends and I were going to a club, I was probably in my early twenties and looking trim.

I was probably a size 12/10. Clothing sizes vary on what stores you go into.

I had a favourite one that was in the market and on certain days there was new stock and some of it was ridiculously cheap.

I genuinely used to stick to dark colours but occasionally lighter ones, depending on the style and it flattered me.

I didn't have anything new to wear so I was browsing around in a few places.

Yeesh back then I had boundless energy and flitted from here to there, determined to get a good deal.

The only thing that was remotely appealing and fit me superbly well was this plain white dress and I didn't wear white all that often.

But it looked amazing on me and white is unforgiving! I don't know how I recall this but it was just £6 and I couldn't get over, how great this deal was.

In the end after ummming and ahhhing and asking everyone if I should get in and them exhaustedly saying...... Yes if you like it, go for it!!

I snapped it and then hunted for a shrug or top, something to go over my wobbly arms which I hardly ever showed off.

No matter how many workouts I did, I never had toned arms. A flat tum back then but arms nope lol.

I went to another place and I think I negotiated a price reduction as it was this beautiful lace white long shrug, that would enhance my plain dress.

I think it was just under £20 but I probably paid about £15. I was laughing because this beautiful thing cost more than my dress!!

Anyway the two together looked stunning. I was a fox!! I think I put silver/white sparkling nail polish on and put my hair in sections, separated with white snap clips that held it in place.

To finish off, it was clear body glitter around the eyes and neck. White mascara and white eyeshadow, against caramel skin, looked flawless!!

I just don't remember the shoes. I doubt I had white, so it was probably black court shoes, which were my favourite style.

I remember being so proud because that was one of the few times, I styled my hair prettily where it stayed and it looked cute,

Normally it was a horror show lol. It would start straight and then half curl, or flatten and have no volume.

I don't think it was a huge group but we went inside and I didn't realise that I would be a glow in the dark mascot ha.

Everybody in white, for whatever reason was glowing, so I joked anybody lost, could just look for me.

I recall this one male friend had latched on near me and I thought it was strange as he had confessed he liked my friend and I never saw him in a romantic light.

I kept encouraging him to go dance with her and he said No, no maybe later and I never understood why until years later when he said, that night, you looked so good, I found you attractive.......

And I thought........ Ummmm..... Hmmm.... That's weird as I didn't think you saw me in that light.

He was a good looking chap but I just didn't have those feelings for him.

It's funny though, everytime it was late, I always made him walk or drive me home, haha!!

He always grumbled and said it's just around the corner and I said I don't care, do your duty as a man, protect me bahahaha!!

I don't think I was scared, I think I just wanted company to walk home so I wouldn't be bored *sly grin*

You know a thought just popped into my head. I had a few male acquaintances that turned into friends but the lines always seemed to get blurred.

I realise I wanted some safe male role models around me, to prove that some men could be decent and not frighten me.

But either they assumed I was crushing on them or they touched me inappropriately or they flirted with me and that wasn't what I sought.

In the end I gave up on trying to find any male friends. I felt too creeped out. The amount of times I was groped, in the guise of a hug...... Was just disgusting!!