#BlogLife422 - Driving me away

This has been on my mind but I actually forgot about it until I was wondering what am I going to discuss for the weeks posts.

My family relationships are not stereotypical, they are very murky and troublesome.

For the first time ever, my mama said.... "Oh if you like you can get a lift down with your brother......" 

"He doesn't mind!"

And this has been going around and around in my head for several reasons.

1. He's been driving for years (with/without a licence) and never ever offered me a lift before.

He's spotted me out and about and said nothing. (Which actually I'm fine with but just to give you background information). 

2. What's so different about this year? I don't really see why now, unless mama just prodded him to "bond" with me or to help me reduce cab fares.

3. He suddenly is going to do something for someone without a reward in return? A lil kickback? What is in it for him??

4. He still petrifies me! No part of me wants to be in a confined space with him or even a regular space for any amount of time.

5. He has a vicious temper and would be road raging through the whole journey, which would set my PTSD into overdrive and I would find it hard to breathe.

6. What on earth would we talk about?

I'm not sure why some parents treats sons like God's who can do no wrong.

But they elevate their status and even when fault is discovered, it's swept under the carpet.

I'll give you an example of this. I wasn't going to share this, it didn't seem my business but here goes....

We were invited to this prayer meeting back in my young, young, religious days.

The host said I'm really panicking because my son is in trouble with the law for stabbing his girlfriend/wife in the neck, I can't recall many details but it was with a glass.

I didn't even have time to process that information. Which is horrifying.

As the next thing she said was, I hope he doesn't go to jail for it, he didn't mean it, let's pray that he doesn't suffer or get punished.......................!

She must have provoked him in some way. (She blamed the girlfriend/wifey completely).

Can we all take a minute to digest that because it took me a while (some time later) before I said to my mama covertly....

Hang on, maybe he needs professional help, maybe this will be a warning to not attack a woman...

Maybe this will scare him straight at least.

Nobody in that room said anything like that. That still haunts me!

Which was another nail in the coffin for religion, if abuse is tolerated and not seen as wrong, which was the impression that I got..

Even my own mama said something blase like we should support her wishes etc etc.

Anyway I guess I wanted to put it in some context to make my point.

I've never been hit, slapped, punched or kicked by them but I have been screamed at, threatened and verbally abused constantly.

I mean daily, day in and day out. I guess I can forgive to a point or I could have, if it ceased but it never did.

My confidence was shattered. I just felt low for so long, that I carried the blame on my shoulders internally and didn't realise the impact back then and the ongoing struggle I would face to find myself.

A shy curious girl that wanted to write and be expressive but not attract hate and violence.

You see what bothers me is that she has forgiven him and wiped his slate clean but I still live with fear.

She never, well it never occurred to her once, to enquire..

I know he's not your favourite but is this alright?

Do you think you'll be able to cope, trapped with him in a car?

Is this too much? Are you uncomfortable with the idea?

I think the fact she constantly dismisses my feelings, just kills me.

That's her son and I can see she would want to see the best in him.

I can sense that she would want to see the good and any improvements in him but history cannot be erased.

Verbal threats and intimidation was what I lived with and she did too!

I can't just wave a wand and pretend things are better, when they aren't!!

A whole chunk of depression and suicidal thoughts were attributed to my home life.

Why does she expect me to instantly move on???? I'm not going to say things are alright, when they are not.

I will not lie to spare your emotions! The more I look inside myself, the more dysfunction I locate.

Growing up the way I did, was the whole reason Dear Bully and Crazy Self Therapy even exist!