#BlogLife525 - Big vs lil voice

I had a late start this morning because I woke up randomly at 6amish and it felt like I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

This weather continues to be unpredictable as I was shivering and had to hop into my thick duvet which was so comforting.

It's so much nicer to be tucked in and get into a sleepy comfy position and then drift off, rather than being on top of the covers and feeling out of place.

Eventually I did and then was woken up by the foolish neighbours at 8amish and then again fell back asleep until 12pmish.

Then I had breakfast/lunch and ended up listening to some Youtubey podcasts.

Even if I have it running in the background, I'm more visual and every so often I like switching tabs and looking as they tell personal or funny stories.

I've listened/watched some of Mayim Bialik's ones which are both serious and lighthearted and really long, probably an hourish each.

Then Melissa Joan Hart has one that's more on the lighthearted scale but still compelling.

I guess with these it's easier to stop them and carry on with other things as opposed to watching a movie/show and getting hooked on the story and not wanting to pause it.

There are times when I feel all my posts should be grand and serious about whatever topic is consuming me so that it's more interesting to read and follow.

But then that would sap my energy completely and my mood and it would take me some time to recover from that.

I'm glad I mix in the serious and the playful in my posts.

I've just tasted the J20 Orange and Passionfruit lollies at 3x£2.50 or 2 boxes for £4.

I've tried the drink and I love it but I didn't realise these have a slightly bitter coating and underneath is icecream.

I just assumed it was pure lolly, that seems to be hard to find. Ice cream is fine, I just am trying to be somewhat healthier and consume slightly less calories.

It's nice, if you can get past the tanginess but pure orange is a much better flavour, which sadly Iceland doesn't have.

I suppose I could look at Ocado, nope they don't have it either. Although I did see a pistachio chocolate lolly, lush.

Which reminded me of the limited edition lassi mango lollies, which didn't taste like mango and then pistachio which was scrumptious.

That I have never seen anywhere since then.

Ahh yes the next day from using the Himalaya face wash, for once my face didn't feel really oily.

It's just moisturised, soft, clearing up and the pimples are fading.

Getting back to the title I was thinking about how in my head I seem to be prepping for some battle that rarely happens.

I am both outspoken and reserved. I guess it depends who is pushing my buttons and if I am invested in whatever conflict is arising.

I don't want to fight all the time or take every lil thing personally, sometimes I want to shrug it off and laugh.

With family, I guess I will pick and choose. Friends I think for the most part, I let things slide and then resented the hell out of them afterwards.

I think back then, not only did I not know how to articulate my thoughts but possibly I thought the friendship would not withstand truth hurts....

And even though these one-sided friendships for the most part were unsupportive, I guess I needed them to vent in my own small way.

Until I didn't anymore and realised I had my own back and could and would be there for myself in whatever capacity I needed, instead of getting nothing in return.

I think the fact that I was always shut down from expressing myself and my needs put me off to an extent where I stopped sharing anything with anyone and kept it bottled deep inside.

I probably did share this before but as it crossed my mind recently, I'll go into it again.

At a time where I was a lost outsider who didn't have many friends and didn't have anyone to lean on and was quite depressed but also an expert at hiding it or not displaying all of it...

My teacher at Church I bonded with him after the other one left and he kept pushing me for answers as to what was going on and how I was feeling...

R his name was and I remember thinking on one hand, how nice it would be to be understood and heard and for someone to care.

And he seemed a decent jovial, optimistic sort but also thoughtful.

When I finally consented, my age was probably 14yrs-16yrs. I'm not sure whose idea it was to do it in the form of a letter.

Talking was really difficult but writing was almost an automatic, uncensored explanation of my feelings.

I can't remember what I said in this 1 or 2 page letter but I know it was something like.....

I don't know where or if I have a place in this world. Nobody gets me, I struggle with everything, school, communicating, people, family, my home life.

Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I too weird? Am I not making the effort, to do the right thing, say the right thing, conform, ignore the criticisms?

I don't know how to toughen up. I don't know how to get to know myself or figure out how to be happy.

I am just aimlessly drifting and I have no talent, no identity. I'm not good at anything and I don't seem to make anyone, including myself happy.

What is wrong with me? 

(I wasn't even intending this post to be thought-provoking but here we are, my brain is random).

I think I was pacing back and forth, should I give it to him, did it make me sound like an idiot?

But I also know that as hard as it was to write it, well probably not compose it but to read it back..

It was also a relief to unburden all these ideas in my head that circled and didn't get let out.

I was probably shaking or maybe I was eerily calm but my face was red I guess as I handed it over and said something flippant..

You wanted an insight into me, here it is, don't say I didn't warn you it was dark.

I waited and waited and waited for some acknowledgement or a kind word, a phonecall, a letter back, a chat and what happened??

NOTHING! I understand life happens and responsibilities but I was not someone that let people in much.

That was a privilege that happened to very few people. He had goaded me for answers and yet didn't have the decency, the heart to respond in any single way???

I was devastated at this betrayal and at that point figured I was a lost cause and I retreated further away from activities and people.

I did hate him for that and ceased communicating with him. I put myself in his shoes and thought if someone had come up to me, seeing me as a mentor, a friend..

I wouldn't be looking for the perfect words. I would just thank them for being brave enough to open up and grateful that I could be there to listen and support them.

Sometimes all that is needed is to know we are not alone, we are not hopeless, somebody cares, somebody is in your corner.

I think eventually there was a halfhearted apology, something about him being really swamped but I don't remember him ever saying, I read your letter and I feel your pain.

There was just excuses and I never looked at him in the same way again. I let it go because I was used to being ignored by those I trusted.

But the bond was broken and I expressed my anger and disappointment.

I'm not sure what the real reason was, did he feel out of his depth? Was he worried about pushing me further into the abyss?

Or was the hard truth that he didn't give a damn and wanted to be seen as a good guy??

Who knows? Who cares. I guess it was another life lesson. Be careful who you let in.

People are not who they seem. Another reason I am very cautious around others.