#BlogLife606 - Do you put enormous pressure on yourself?

 Song of the day - Parang Fever - Chris Rojas

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmW4XvEZwZI&list=PLC743C3F57E46E499&index=65

Afternoony everybody, I'm much preferring the longer sleeps to the afternoon naps.

I'm drained but still have energy to do things, only a lil behind. My parcel of the robe and trousers are due on Saturday, a bit slow for premium delivery but it is Christmas after all.

I still have no patience but I'm working on it. I properly tried out the Warm Neroli mist oil, well more oil than mist.

It's probably my favourite out of the trio, fragrance wise but as with the Bergamot it's too faint and short lasting.

It's highly moisturising on my elbows but with perfumes I want them to last a long time. I don't want to keep spritzing and topping up the scent, especially if I have no time.

Only the Pink Pepper lasts a while and stays strong, the other two need more staying power.

They are conveniently sized to put in a suitcase or a handbag so great to travel with and hand out as a giftset.

That's it now, I shouldn't have to get anything else, the basics and gifts are all covered.

I'm so curious to see how my adorable lil weekender bag is going to fit everything, in it's tiny quarters.

I would have given Mama one of the scents but she says she has enough fragrances for a while.

I want to pack at least maybe but I'm scared. Last year the mouthwash spilled and it fried my charger.

I'm not sure what I will do this year.. But I have to be careful and wrap whatever liquids I take properly.

Now on to the title. Do you have a flippant attitude and ponder on whatever you achieve is great and whatever fails is no big deal?

I seem to get increasingly annoyed and pile more and more on my plate and I'm not sure why I do that?

I'm either proving something to myself and/or others who don't seem to think I'm capable of much.

But the thing is when you're chronically ill, you have to factor that in and make allowances.

I get frustrated and disappointed when I can't do simple things anymore.

It's not fair to me but I do it anyway. I say to myself Oh that is a straightforward task, get on with it.

And I should give myself a break that I have limitations and a weakness that keeps increasing, day by day.

It's an effort to carry things, open things, twist things, clean up, maintain positivity, gather up energy to be active.

To stop and do nothing and lay down and let myself rest is an argument because I feel I should finish up before I do something for myself.

If being selfish lets me recharge, that's a wonderful thing, so why do I feel guilty?

I reckon it's because I keep hearing that word that I hate. Laziness.

Me, SS, is being unproductive and I can't accept it but through all this negativity, I still to take care of myself and lift my spirits.

Let's do an exercise, well you don't have to join in, but it might be beneficial for you too.

*Holds my hand up* I SS, can't do everything straight away, sometimes it takes a few tries to get it done.

Other times I need a break. I may need to psyche myself up or sit down first.

I may need a minute or five before I can re-attempt it. That is alright. It's nothing to be judgemental about.

We're all different and some of us will struggle just a lil bit more.

It's not a failure, it's a postponement. You have the strength and mentality to do it but on occasion it's depleted.

Let's hug it out and renew the belief in ourselves, that we are not perfect and as independent as we are, we can handle most if not everything ourselves.

Reach out if you need too but personally I will always strive to know that persevering paid off and I finally did it.

Woop, go me, go you, go us :)

#BlogLife89 - Repairing the unrepairable *mature audiences only*

I roll and sit on the edge of the bed wincing. I try to give myself a pep talk.

It's going to be alright you know. Sure it is rough at the moment and somehow there is no quick fix and silver lining to any of it but hang in there..

It's what we do right? I shake my head tired of always being made to feel I have to be strong and hold it in and apologise for me being real because it isn't normal etiquette.

Put a brave face on, smile through the pain, wipe those tears away and chin up. Must not let anyway see you are weak and human.

No no no have to be invincible and unfazed by life's cruel fate. I stand up and walk towards two men.

One says.....

Hey baby, I'm not single but it doesn't matter, we can have fun together and hang out and support each other. Pick me.

The other says...

Hey honey. I am single but I am only in the moment. I will look after you and spoil you but not commit or promise tomorrow.

Who would you choose? For me I opt for the third which is myself. Neither one are suitable but the first one has turned into a friend.

I feel like before I was constantly compromising and talking myself into being positive about these disappointing selections because I wanted someone around.

I realised that was why I felt so lost whenever I started dating. I swallowed what I really wanted and just settled for scraps and that is why I felt alone and confused and tortured.

Now that I am older a lot has changed. I don't want to meet another man who says.........

Let's wait and see what happens..

I already know what happens, I get strung along and nothing ever changes. It's a non commitment, immature stunted entanglement that keeps me from finding a true prospect!

Dating is...Well to be honest it feels impossible. How do I explain I have to limit walking? I can't go out on consecutive days because it kills me physically.

Using my hands to do anything makes me nervous because the pain is creeping up and up and upwards.

As for me being intimate??? I haven't done that for years and years because I am so fragile. Taking big steps hurts, climbing stairs, strains.

Exercising from the waist down makes me limp or need to rest up.

Sex may literally kill me. How do I say all that? Coooeee potential love interest..... Read all the above and say that you'll definitely be patient.

Plus I tend not to open up straight away and I don't want to be suffocated.

This is why I say I am not girlfriend/wifey material. I'm too messed up emotionally and physically.

I feel better now because I realised that I don't need to say Yes to anyone. 

I can just love myself and know that, bad days are happening but even though my strength is depleted I can still rely on my inner reserve.