#BlogLife89 - Repairing the unrepairable *mature audiences only*

I roll and sit on the edge of the bed wincing. I try to give myself a pep talk.

It's going to be alright you know. Sure it is rough at the moment and somehow there is no quick fix and silver lining to any of it but hang in there..

It's what we do right? I shake my head tired of always being made to feel I have to be strong and hold it in and apologise for me being real because it isn't normal etiquette.

Put a brave face on, smile through the pain, wipe those tears away and chin up. Must not let anyway see you are weak and human.

No no no have to be invincible and unfazed by life's cruel fate. I stand up and walk towards two men.

One says.....

Hey baby, I'm not single but it doesn't matter, we can have fun together and hang out and support each other. Pick me.

The other says...

Hey honey. I am single but I am only in the moment. I will look after you and spoil you but not commit or promise tomorrow.

Who would you choose? For me I opt for the third which is myself. Neither one are suitable but the first one has turned into a friend.

I feel like before I was constantly compromising and talking myself into being positive about these disappointing selections because I wanted someone around.

I realised that was why I felt so lost whenever I started dating. I swallowed what I really wanted and just settled for scraps and that is why I felt alone and confused and tortured.

Now that I am older a lot has changed. I don't want to meet another man who says.........

Let's wait and see what happens..

I already know what happens, I get strung along and nothing ever changes. It's a non commitment, immature stunted entanglement that keeps me from finding a true prospect!

Dating is...Well to be honest it feels impossible. How do I explain I have to limit walking? I can't go out on consecutive days because it kills me physically.

Using my hands to do anything makes me nervous because the pain is creeping up and up and upwards.

As for me being intimate??? I haven't done that for years and years because I am so fragile. Taking big steps hurts, climbing stairs, strains.

Exercising from the waist down makes me limp or need to rest up.

Sex may literally kill me. How do I say all that? Coooeee potential love interest..... Read all the above and say that you'll definitely be patient.

Plus I tend not to open up straight away and I don't want to be suffocated.

This is why I say I am not girlfriend/wifey material. I'm too messed up emotionally and physically.

I feel better now because I realised that I don't need to say Yes to anyone. 

I can just love myself and know that, bad days are happening but even though my strength is depleted I can still rely on my inner reserve.