Dear bully

I once had a beautiful light shining inside me despite growing up with monsters and people pointing out every single flaw I had and showing me that I didn't fit in with my plain looks, chubby features and shy personality. 

I would smile a lot and try to act as friendly as possible. I would help others, listen to them complain, give useful recommendations and volunteer to be available, should they need me to be, so why the disparaging remarks?

First you tell me to shut up, that I'm dumb, that I'm a ditz and then you say sit closer, let's hang out together. 

My earliest memory was sitting outside on a tiny bench, kicking my legs and colouring or drawing on a sketchpad. 

I only remember looking up at my mother who was called up and I think I was smiling up at her oblivious.

Recently when we talked about it, she said that my teachers were worried because I wasn't talking at all and they thought I had learning difficulties. 

I thought it was merely a day that went by but she said it had been a year and I had refused to talk to anyone.

We both knew why I was silent. It's because at home whenever I spoke up my elder sibling told me to shut up. I happily consider myself an only child at this juncture.

(Even though technically it's not true). I talked a little at home like a normal rambunctious kid but I never really knew how to express myself.

I was deeply sensitive and as I looked around at my cousins and the girls in my school, they all seemed so happy and carefree.

I still wonder if other people went through what I did and if it was normal behaviour. 

The next memory that crops up is me running to my room and leaning against it to stop my siblings from chasing and hurting me. 

There were always threats but nothing actually physically happened just the words were enough to send chills down my spine and I wished I truly were an only child.

My mum still accuses me of being hard hearted because I refuse to forgive people that robbed me of being me. 

They took more than just my confidence, they took my sanity, my inner peace and the ability to trust another human being. 

Still i did forgive them. I wanted to let go of the anger and bitterness I had been holding onto for all these years, some were better people and some were still the same.

I made a choice to forgive but not forget and I tried my utmost to be civil and not let the past dictate the future interactions with them. 

That was the plan and I succeeded for a good minute and then I realised, certain people will never change. 

The verbal abuse just carried on but my parents expected me to carry on accepting it and just be impervious to it. 

They never actually went to the source and made it stop though. I was just supposed to accept it and at the same time not let it get to me.

I think maybe because my parents were both bubbly and outgoing and just fit in with everyone...That I'm guessing I was a disappointment. 

I wasn't like that at all. Everything got to me and I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be shielded away from it and for it to never be an issue again.

I never did a single thing to warrant your evident hostility towards me. I was always respectful towards you and did my best to be acceptable to have around. 

Yet you found my sweetness intolerable. I was the bane of your existence and so I eventually stopped trying and limited my acrimonious dealings with you. 

You continued lashing out though and I remember thinking if this continues I won't live past my teenage years because I will seek out an eternal solution and finally find peace and happiness by never opening my eyes again.

Three times I tried it, well four if you count not eating. I had just reached my limit. I was sick of waking up each day being afraid. 

I walked on egg shells. I stayed out late, dreading coming home each night. 

I barricaded myself in my room so much it was my own prison. It never took though, I always wondered why it never took..

I don't even feel depressed as I look back and remember this. I feel numb. I'm in a much better place where I can choose to let people in and just discard them at the drop of a hat.

It took me so long to get my smile back. It took forever to feel safe again. I won't put myself in harms way and I won't kid myself you will ever change. 

You are and always will be a bully. 

I on the other hand am special. I'm a good person and although you tried to hurt me. 

You failed because I'm still here and now you know exactly what I think of you because I won't even acknowledge we are family.

From now on consider me brotherless. I sure as hell do. Goodbye and good riddance.