Defunct mood

I want to talk through my feelings but I have nothing to say. It is all so unclear. My mind is this hazy fog where my contacts are all steamed up and I'm navigating blindly through it all. 

I don't think I've ever been a chatty open person that reveals their innermost thoughts. I give people a vague condensed version and live with the rest of whatever is eating at me.

I find people around me can be indifferent and limited with their own time constraints and I don't bother anymore to go into details.

Everyone seems happier that way but there are times like today when I want to curl up and have a long phone conversation and talk uninterrupted about the issues I'm currently facing, some are long term, some short term.

On a daily basis I have a lot of complexities to deal with. Life challenges me and rocks me to my core. I can have good or bad days. I can be totally debilitated one minute and be strong and capable the next.

It all varies on whether I have been sleeping or not, whether I'm able to cross things off an insurmountable list and whether or not the restrictions are coming into play.

I am realistic about what I can and can't do and talking about that particular thing isn't going to help me.

I'd like to forget it completely, to be unhindered by it and to not remember or have triggers that pull me into it but I begrudgingly accept it was a big deal and things like that tend to stay with a person no matter how many years pass by.

I still feel weepy, shaken and angry. I've talked about it, written in a private journal, tried to put it behind me as best as I could but because of the nature of it and the lasting effects it left on me, I have to choose each day to fight through the anguish I feel. 

This is taking it's toll on me and that's why sometimes I can't cope and feel at a loss.

I am however my own best friend and I will help myself get through this, just like I always do!