Verbal food abuse

Thinking back I can pinpoint the first time I realised I had a problem with food. 

My parents kept calling me greedy for snacking and so I would sneak into the kitchen and gorge a little, not to much but enough to satisfy my appetite. 

That by itself doesn't seem that bad but it must have affected me because when I had a sleepover at my cousins house, I did the same thing snuck into the kitchen while everyone was out and had a snack.

This time however I was caught and I panicked. My aunt looked at me softly and said "You are allowed to eat, you know." 

It didn't feel that way and I felt so foolish because she was right and so my life long battle with food began.

I always wished I was good enough for my parents to accept me as I was. 

When I asked my mum why she called me names and made me feel bad for being hungry her excuse was that she wanted to motivate me to lose weight.

When I went down to a size 12 and she suspected I wasn't eating then she began to worry and monitered me during meal times. 

If I felt like vegging out she would say the same thing again "Watch out you'll get fat again." There was no pleasing her with this issue.

She learn't her lesson though when I finally spoke up and said it wasn't ok to say those things to me and because of that it makes me eat more not less and then starve myself. 

Now she doesn't say anything and I appreciate that because I will forever be the yo-yo dieter.

I remember walking into a room while a party was going on and hearing laughter with the words "Look at my fat daughter." I didn't cry, speak up or look in that direction. I simply got up left the room and felt my heart break into a million little pieces.

I don't hate my parents although from time to time I may still complain. I just disliked some of the parenting techniques that were just horrendous.

I suffered from bouts of depression and contemplated suicide but some of that was to do with being bullied by my brothers who kept threatening me but I suppose my parents thought it was just sibling rivalry or angst.

I however was scared out of my mind and when I finally moved into my own place. I severed all contact with them.

I remember only wanting peace and quiet and a safe haven to call my own. I think that's why hardly anyone knows my address just selected friends and family.

I could never understand why they were so popular and loved. They were both junkies, verbal abusers and psychopaths behind closed doors. (That's the reason I have never nor will ever try drugs). 

Yet everyone always asked me about them and seemed so shocked when I said I no longer interact with them so should they wish to be updated on their live's they would need to contact them directly.

Maybe being honest, reliable, considerate and well mannered doesn't mean anything anymore..

The thing I hate is that I learned that negative mentality from them and it stuck with me all through my extreme dieting. 

I would put myself down constantly in order to lose weight, telling myself that I was unattractive and dumb and that nobody really liked me but after a while that was too much of a toll on me.

Growing up with a childhood like mine definitely put me off relationships and having kids. 

I think that is why I'm content now not to put myself out there and rush to be hurt. I've been through enough now. 

I tried so hard to be a better person, someone that would be liked but it was just never adequate.

I love and accept myself now and whoever doesn't...needs to look inwards instead of projecting their low self worth onto me.