#BlogLife103 - Emotional/Physical pain threshold

I am due to return back home sometime tomorrow (Sunday). Talking to my mama, reminiscing about life is always a strange concept because she rarely admits how paralysing her behaviour was/is.

We discussed passed acquaintances and family who saw us as beneath them. Yet she still wouldn't admit she was wrong when she made me forgive those that harassed me to such a point I retreated inwards.

She readily confessed that she herself was handled poorly by people but hasn't learned that she was guilty of doing that to me and still does it.

I was hoping she would finally realise her mistake that she shouldn't be constantly waiting for me to make an error so she can jump on me and berate me over and over for it.

I'm happy to admit it and rectify it, I just don't need every flaw thrown back in my face. I wish she would see that standing up for oneself is justified.

Does Christianity mean you have to be a doormat? Even before she was religious, she didn't stand up for herself at all so her lesson for me, was...

Let me destroy your belief in yourself and allow everybody else to do it also without any arguments or interruptions or any way to counter their points.

Hang around those destructive people because they are family and they deserve your affection and kindness and you cannot ever say anything mean or refuse to talk to them.

This is why I don't like people. Even after having matured and my confidence spiked upwards, there are still judgements and kernels of hate towards me.

I saw it a lot from family, to relatives, to close friends whose inequality I was supposed to accept and be grateful that I got any attention from.

I saw it from men that tried to control me and take over my mind. They wanted me to devote myself to them even though they were cheating or saying I don't want to commit to you but I demand all your time.

I have someone else in my life, girlfriend/wife/fiance/interchangeable women.. Oh you didn't know?

Well now you do and I prioritise them over you, even though I don't really care about them but to me, you are still not someone I can show affection for. 

Don't you think you should dress better? Try to impress me, even though I don't take you anywhere special? Don't you think you should wear makeup because your skin isn't perfect?

Don't you think you should weigh less because my last girlfriend was really slim and she looked better than you do. I'll tell you what, I'll help you and if I see you eating something I don't approve of, I'll forbid you and make you feel bad.

I mean it was that kind of thing, being attacked from all sides. As for the physical side of my symptoms. I know that bending will keep letting the pain build up until my back locks up.

I know that not sleeping or taking naps will make the pain increase earlier in the day. I know that by staying in a sitting position, the pain spreads more easily.

I do know that for the last couple of days I managed to get a couple hours of sleep at least, so no pain at the moment, just bloatedness and slight irritability.

I get mama easy convenient gadgets for the home and she always dismisses them but then I turn around and she has bought something more complicated and I struggle to use it.

It annoys me frankly. I thought the whiskey stones would be cute and simple because every time I come here, the drinks are warm.

It is basically rocks that you keep in the freezer and keep your drinks cool without diluting them, they don't contain alcohol.

They are just aimed at alcohol drinkers who don't want their booze watered down. They were okay but took ages to get cold and didn't work as well as I had hoped.

She gave them away so I thought okay, I'll just give her, the easiest ice tray possible, big chunky blocks which don't need prying out....

She said No. I don't have any use for that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Now she has got the most awkward ice tray ever, with the tiniest cubes that get stuck.

I cannot even open it or get the ice out. It makes me feel weak but using that, strains my hands. 

She over buys food and keeps the fridge and freezer stocked to the brim but anytime I open something she complains it isn't immediately consumed.

I want to scream, what is wrong with you? She wouldn't dare do this to anyone else, that is why she bugs me but tomorrow I shall go home to my empty cupboards and fridge/freezer and later on have an Iceland order appear......

Bliss, no headaches. I know it's her place and I am grateful for hanging out but I am physically/emotionally raw. I want to go back home to my safe place where there are no more attacks.

Goodbye for now emotional abuser. I won't miss you as much as I once did because you continue to make me feel demoralised, unlovable and insignificant as a human being.

I realised last night that you continue to praise and defend those that made me feel disrespected and you see no issue with that whatsoever.

But me, you are quick to harp on about my failings and shortcomings to further let me sink in despair. I'm just content with being sarcastic back to you because you are content with talking over me and making me feel I should stay quiet.

You never listen and yet, you always demand to be heard. I guess you will miss out on the highlights of my life because it seems a waste of time to share anything real.

Your loss because I am a wonderful, decent, kind and special person.

Toodles Mama..